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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Learning to pause ..
Post Info TOPIC: Learning to pause ..
SerenityRUS


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Learning to pause ..
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before the meltdown .. I have gotten a LOT better about not taking any action before necessary .. now this can create different challenges in the sense of what is pause and what is avoidance .. LOL .. however pause is ok. 

My daughter has graduated and I can't believe she made it .. I honestly thought the last month I might have to lock her in a closet wrapped in bubble wrap and feed her under the door .. ugh .. I was considering letting her out when she was 50.  I have moments that I listen and watch her thinking .. who is this young adult and other moments of OMGOSH .. WTH are you thinking?!  NOOOO!!!  We had a good laugh the other day while we were out together and I told her I'm trying to let go .. I realize there may be some finger impressions in your arm however it could be worse .. you could have a slot in the bottom of your door and me pretending to be you on social media. :) I did get a sideways glance over that one .. LOL .. she did agree .. I am letting go .. slowly .. LOL .. it is not easy.  Graduation was amazing .. she is amazing .. I just have to remind myself for a kiddo who has her struggles with anxiety she actually has a pretty good head on her shoulders when she's not having a teenage moment .. LOL.  She has put me through my paces as a parent this past month and dumped a LOT on me over the weekend and I was disappointed in some of her choices .. a good reminder that her choices are hers to make .. I just don't want to see her make things harder on herself than they have to be it's already a challenge as it stands. 

My XAH was not at graduation and we had a discussion as to what that meant and so on .. she was more concerned her core people were there that includes me, her brother, her BF and my BF.  The guys totally delivered and I love them for that .. all 3.  For the moment she's just not interested in her dad and he's not making any extra effort in that regard she's of the mindset it is what it is .. and what he misses out on is strictly his issue. 

So now I wait .. I wait to see what kind of moronic move the XAH pulls and it is coming at the moment.  I decided until I am ready I am not jumping one way or another at this point.  I have a feeling what he's trying to pull is going to back fire horribly.  Sooo .. we'll see.  In pausing I have time to examine what is best for me/kids .. my motives, my consequences as well as what is it I actually want out of the interchange. 

Hugs S :)

 



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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
shrnp


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Congratulations to your daughter! It is a great accomplishment for both of you.

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Sharon 
Jerry F


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Serenity I read your post with the impression "She's working it and working it good".  The consequences can only be positive for you and your daughter.  Congratulations to her and to you.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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el-cee


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Thank you for sharing and I can relate. I let go of my kids quite soon after beginning my recovery journey and its so much more healthier. Its not easy to know how much to butt out of their lives and Im sure at times I have backed off too much or at other times I have gotten too involved in their lives. However, the principles Ive learned in Alanon has allowed me to be much more objective in my role as 'Mum' I allow them the dignity of their choices and consequences much more now because I recognise how valuable life lessons are that come from mistakes. I also know that just because im older doesnt mean I have the answers and when they find the answers themselves then it means so much more to them. I still try to 'help' but im very detached from my kids in lots of ways, they are all 20 and over so its much easier now. Its hard to watch them make mistakes and predict the consequences and watch them anyway but for me the alternative is way too risky because I was a first class enabler and the potential may still be there and that alone  would ruin our relationships and have a horrible impact on everyone really.



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a4l


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Congratulations on daughters graduation.

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Caitlaaan


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Congratulations to your daughter, and thanks for your share! I'm new to this forum but been in Al Anon for 2 years. Very random but I just wanted to ask - what is a XAH?

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hotrod


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Caitaaan welcome-- xah stands for x alcoholic husband. A definition of many terms used here can be found on this posting:alanon.activeboard.com/t13820090/frequently-asked-questions/

Serenity congrats.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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SerenityRUS


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I think where I feel like I have let her down is not giving her enough life skills .. thankfully she has been watching me and we have a LOT of conversations .. she tends to overshare which has its pluses and minuses .. I am trying to come out the other side somewhere in the middle. She's got places to go for coping skills and she uses those .. and we have been having the my house my rules conversation recently and I told her as long as she respects those I have no problem giving her a ton of freedom. She is an adult however she's not .. I do not consider 18 an adult .. it might be legally .. there is to much room for error in judgment and I have see to many lives ruined because of that lack of judgment. So I told her I am still a guiding force in her life and while she has more freedom .. she's not fully baked yet.

I am grateful she's in counseling .. I am grateful she over shares to a point .. LOL. I think it's ironic when she finally goes .. that was way to much information and I was like umm .. yah girl .. probably not a good thing.

Now .. my struggle of for the love of all that is holy would you PLEASE call the college so I know what we are going to deal with financially!? I do not want to do this in August and find out she can't attend college because of a missed deadline!!! So she's so funny she is running ahead to be an adult at the same time forgetting the adult like responsibilities she has in order to get there completely .. ugh. It is exhausting at times for me to watch and listen to.

Then I look at what other parents are going through and think .. ok .. breathe .. just for today .. let's just get through today and know tomorrow is coming. I really could be dealing with a whole lot more than I am .. and again I am grateful.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Iamhere


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Woo-hoo for you and your daughter! Letting go can be hard but it's also been great for my boys/me. I agree with what's above from el-cee....I've overstepped at times and been 'MIA' at others but - oh well. They have learned I am not perfect and we are all still works in progress.

Mine have also ignored many spoken life lessons and chosen the hands on route to hard knocks. It does tend to have more meaning for them when they go through it.

You've done good and she'll be fine. She will make mistakes - we all do....we are imperfect. Parenting, like recovery, works so much better when we can stay focused on ODAT....beyond that, it's a stressful job!!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
PosiesandPuppies


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Serenity - Congrats on raising a child through to graduation! Mine will be there next year, so I know what it is like watching them make great decisions (more adult-like), and the next day forget their test payment deadline or something like that!
I hear you working your program like crazy! The great thing about his program for me, is that it is helping me get out of "managing" my son's life! I have seen great growth in our relationship b/c of it! So yeah, you are my inspiration right now!

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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 
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