Today's c2c discusses the tendency addicts have to provoke arguments about irrelevant (or non-existent) things, to divert attention away from their substance abuse and it's effects. When we are attacked, we respond and try to argue back (or reason, plead, etc) and because we are arguing about something that was never a real issue in the first place, it can be an infuriating and completely irrational experience. The reading points out that we "make it real" by allowing ourselves to engage with it and argue with it. Meanwhile, the alcoholic's aim is achieved...no-one is focusing on their alcoholism because everyone is focused on the new problem they have invented.

Returning to step 1- admitting that we are powerless- is suggested as the way to begin to deal with this all-too common crisis. We are powerless over this disease and we do not have enough strength to take it on ourselves. It requires a power much greater than ourselves and our arguing abilities to cure alcoholism and restore sanity!

The reading reminds us that we are responsible for maintaining our own safety and must fight to defend that when necessary but, when we are not in real danger, we can choose to disengage and not respond to provocation. We do not have to attend every argument we are invited to! 

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Being powerless seems so counter-intuitive and illogical at first. Many of us struggle with the concept, imagining it is a means of letting the alcoholic/addict/protagonist "get away" with their bad behavior or abuse. Yet, that in itself implies that we believe we have the power, with our mere words and logic, to change another person's thinking and cause them to overcome an illness that they themselves are in fact powerless over. Arriving at the understanding that I actually cannot argue a sick person into being well was such an enormous relief- it was as if I had been trying to move a mountain one teaspoonful of dirt at a time. I couldn't have hoped to do much more than put some small holes in the old mountain and exhaust and depress myself with the insane and fruitless task.

And the funny part is, looking back now at all of those senseless, deflective arguments, the sheer magnitude of the time wasted is mind boggling. As I was pondering this reading, I wondered for a moment what it would be like to watch back over all of those years of demented arguments at once, like a movie and see the insanity. I asked my daughter, "what's a movie that's just about 2 idiots arguing about nothing?" and she suggested Step-Brothers. I think, sadly, that about sums up my relationships pre-al-anon. Maybe with a touch of Fear and Loathing thrown in, lol and sigh.

Learning that I was powerless over not only the behavior of others, but my own urge to defend myself and "win" every argument I caught wind of (whether it involved me or not) was a big part of my own disease. That compulsion lifted when i came to understand that really simple al-anon saying- "I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to", and when I realised, finally, that I simply did not have the power to change someone else's thinking any more than they had the power to change mine. In fact, isn't that WHY I was so outraged every time a qualifier started a fight and accused me of something outrageous? Because it's at the core of human nature to defend our perception of reality to the bitter end. Imagining that I could somehow change that in another person is just...it's absurd. 

Finally, the reading suggests that if our safety isn't threatened, we can disengage. I would say that when I was engaged in a constant war-about-nothing, my safety was always in peril because I felt as though I was losing my mind. Arguing and asserting the "correct' reality seemed the only possible way to protect my sanity. It makes sense...until it doesn't. The positive affirmations and reminders to focus on my own assets helped me build my confidence to a point where I could finally feel confident enough in my own perception of reality to leave someone else to their own, even if it disagrees with mine. I no longer need anyone else to validate my reality by agreeing with it; I've learned to do that all by myself. What a gift