The material presented
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Hi, my live in girlfriend is recently off suboxone, she was on for a year and a half. She was addicted to opiates and vodka for about 4 years. She went of suboxone slowly and has been off a month now. I don't know her anymore. One minute you can talk to her and she's fine, the next minute she's unreasonable, shows no empathy or regards for me or the relationship. The other day after she left because I ask her something she didn't like, she came back a few days later we talked and she told me she wanted to be with me. I went to the store for 10 mins and came back in and she said she didn't know if she was staying and didn't know if she wanted to be together. When I left we were on ok terms, nothing happened in the mean time. She seems confused and disoriented alot with no empathy. She accomplishes nothing during the day yet she is a stay at home mom, that I support, the house is a mess except for what I do after working 10 hrs days. She never does anything to make me feel cared about and shows no empathy. I do everything for her and the kids. She shows no responsibility for everyday life. My question is, is this normal for this stage and will she ever be normal to everyday values, morals and everyday life? Thanks
Plus she never says she's sorry and always blames me for everything, I walk on eggs shells. Yet she does things to disrespect the relationship. I feel used at this point, we have been together for 5 years.
Welcome to the board, Snow. :) I have no experience with drug addiction, but a lot of what you described is typical alcoholic behavior I've experienced with my BF. Whatever is going on with her, Alanon program suggests that you focus on you, because the only person we can change is ourselves and our unhealthy thinking. Have you attended Alanon or Naranon meetings? The meetings were the beginning of sanity and serenity for me, something I couldn't previously manage to come even close to while my qualifier was still drinking. There is help in the program. Keep coming back.
Welcome Snow I am sorry you are enduring such difficult times. It is hard to determine what is "Normal" in a n alcoholic relationship, That is why we are urged to keep the focus on ourselves. I believe that stopping any substance is only the first step to recovery. Alcoholism is 3 fold disease- It effects the spiritual, emotional and physical portions of the person, since we too become affected, due to interacting with tthe insanity we need a program of recovery of our own. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend . You will be given new tools to live by and a supportive network to connect with.
Keep coming back.
What you are describing sounds very similar to my experiences as well. I found that taking care of myself and my responsibilities helped a lot. I stopped doing things for my husband that which he was capable of doing for himself, and actually what he was able to do proved to be more than I imagined when it came down to it!
Alanon helped me to realise that it wasn't just me - others who were living alongside addiction were going through very similar experiences as well. Some had even learnt to live with it and still managed to laugh and enjoy life and I resolved to learn from them.
Keep reading here, and if you can get to meet face to face with others in similar situations I hope that you find the same sense of peace that I did - something about others just 'getting it' helped me a lot!
It took about two years for me to recognise my husband when he stopped drinking. He did all the things you describe here during that period and I basically had to focus on myself, making my own life as much fun as I could - which grew to be greatly enjoyable and helped me to quash the very natural resentments that I was feeling as well! Learning to make my choices my own and to live again takes time in my experience - but it is so worth it.
Hi, my live in girlfriend is recently off suboxone, she was on for a year and a half. She was addicted to opiates and vodka for about 4 years. She went of suboxone slowly and has been off a month now. I don't know her anymore. One minute you can talk to her and she's fine, the next minute she's unreasonable, shows no empathy or regards for me or the relationship. The other day after she left because I ask her something she didn't like, she came back a few days later we talked and she told me she wanted to be with me. I went to the store for 10 mins and came back in and she said she didn't know if she was staying and didn't know if she wanted to be together. When I left we were on ok terms, nothing happened in the mean time. She seems confused and disoriented alot with no empathy. She accomplishes nothing during the day yet she is a stay at home mom, that I support, the house is a mess except for what I do after working 10 hrs days. She never does anything to make me feel cared about and shows no empathy. I do everything for her and the kids. She shows no responsibility for everyday life. My question is, is this normal for this stage and will she ever be normal to everyday values, morals and everyday life? Thanks
Snow3 wrote:
Plus she never says she's sorry and always blames me for everything, I walk on eggs shells. Yet she does things to disrespect the relationship. I feel used at this point, we have been together for 5 years.
Welcome...you are in the right place...for YOU. There is no normal. Every case, every person is different. No one here can answer your specific questions, in a qualified accurate way. Most people here are not professionals, and if there any that are, they can't diagnose a person or situation over the internet. And, this is not about her. It is about you. You are going to have to come accept that there is nothing you can do about her, her behavior, addiction, etc. That said, what you are dealing with is common -- volatility. Volatile, pendulum swinging behavior. Many of us have been there before and faced that. The question -- and it may not be one for you to answer is -- what is the cause? Is she this way because of addiction, withdrawal, etc., or are there some mental issues going on. Or a combination of both.
That said, this really comes down to YOU. What are you going to do, for you, about you. You cannot change her, get her to stop being the way she is, get her to stop this behavior, etc. Only she can change her. And only you can change you. You can learn to detach, not enable or contribute to the situation, incident, or the overall chaos and turmoil. And that will work for you and help you. However, that will do nothing to change her. Remember, you can't! So, if you get better and healthy and do these things -- and she doesn't change, now you have to decide if this is the way you want to live your life. However, you are not there yet. Far from it.
You need to start to focus on you -- and not her. Your focus should be on doing what is best and healthy for you, and what changes you need to make to get better; not whether or not this is normal, will she always be this way, will she ever stop, why is she doing this, and so on. If she wants to change and get help, she will. You can't make her, convince her, etc. She has to want it, to want to. And she has to do it because she wants to -- not because you asked, pleaded, begged, threatened, etc.
Focus on YOU. Start there.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Welcome to MIP snow - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Addiction, like alcoholism, is chronic, progressive and potentially fatal if not addressed through treatment and abstinence. There is NA for the addict and there is Nar-Anon for the family and friends. AA also as well as Al-Anon.
I am sorry that you are hurting and baffled by the disease in your home. It's much more than most people can deal with and finding support really, really helped me. I was able to realize how powerless I was over other people, places and things and that my best next steps were to work on restoring myself to sanity.
I had to learn to let go of my wants and focus instead on my needs. I had to learn to allow others to be who they need to be and do what they need to do. It was very difficult to embrace the program, but nothing changes if nothing changes. As I began to grown/change in recovery, things around here improved and with more time, I found my own joy and peace.
I do hope you will find some local Al-Anon meetings and give them a try. We do not offer advice, but rather support each other to heal/deal by sharing our experience, strength and hope. We find that trying to advise others and control outcomes is part of our own insanity and unhealthy. Please keep coming back - know that you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovvery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Snow and thanks for letting me know you found my story as I laid it down when I got into Al-Anon and that helped me to forget all of the insanity and sickness I was living with since early childhood up thru my marriages.
You are living in the Alcohol and addiction "normal". The insanity and lack of peace of mind, disrespect and more is the "normal" for those touched by this fatal disease and not only for us and for many others, many who are innocent of it.
The story you bring was also mine and it almost killed both my wife and I and others.
For now accept it as the normal, the way it is supposed to be until you change the one person you can which will then change everything else around you and that is you. It has already been suggested that you get active in the face to face meetings of the family groups and to keep coming back daily. That is my story now on a daily basis. I follow the suggestions of the program and focus on my life alone.
My alcoholic addict wife chose to get clean and sober five years after we divorced and when she did my HP used her as the example of humility I carry today. We also knew that we loved each other and had no reason to be married.
Keep coming back...this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
