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I'm new to this forum and looking for other Mom's in my situation. My 29 year old daughter is an Alcoholic, she lives at home with my husband and I and her younger sister also lives here. She just relapsed again this week two days after getting her 60 day chip. Our whole house turns into turmoil when she starts drinking again, she steals money from me, she sells things on "Offer Up" that are MINE. I know its the illness but it makes me crazy.. She is like two totally different people, the one who drinks and the one who doesn't is helpful , wants to get better, have a life, get a job , ect... She cant keep a job cause the drinking always gets in the way. The roller coaster of AA and rehab, inpatient as well as out patient has been going on for 5 VERY long years..We have paid and owe a fortune in medical bills to what end, as I write this she is passed out down the hall.. I don't see myself kicking her out, I am already sick thinking what is going to happen to her, I can't wrap my mind around her sleeping in the street. As a parent we all have to decide what is our line in the sand, for me that is it. Does anyone have any words of encouragement, I am feeling really beaten up today....
Hi Kerry, I relate well to how you are feeling. I have an AH and have known the feeling of the split personality you refer to. It's SO hard to realize during these times, my husband doesn't have a split personality. He is an alcoholic. His personality is gentle and kind. Alcolism isn't. It is very hard to recognize my husband when he is drinking, or just not showing up, as my boundary is, don't come home if you drink. That's my boundary. We set boundaries that work for us personally. That same boundary may not be right for others and that's okay. He too has gone through different rehab, therapy, alternative methods, always wanting to be sober so he can have a good life and be part of our family. The disease is manipulative and cunning. Right now it has your sweet daughter. Don't let it fool you. Your daughter will always be your daughter. Good for her for reaching 60 days. I'm sorry she has had a set back. The weirdest and hardest question I was asked when "trying to help" him was - what was my part in it? I didn't cause it, can't control, and I can't cure it. I can control myself and my actions. What are you doing to treat yourself well? What are you doing to shift your focus to yourself? You nailed it when you said chaos ensues when she drinks. Do I recall! You can't control her, but you can control yourself. I chose not to have chaos. When I realized I had that choice, it was so freeing. The term is, detaching with love. I focus on myself and my daughter, our day, the things we enjoy and need to accomplish. I use the alanon slogans to keep me from giving in to the craziness, anger, sadness that alcoholism would just love me to participate in because I don't want it; not for me, my daughter or my husband. I want peace so I can be the woman I need to be, the mom I need to be and the wife I need to be. I didn't do this alone. I used the wisdom and experience of others to get here. I wish the warmest thoughts to you as you wrestle with this terrible disease. Be good to yourself. Make yourself the recipient of the love and care you've focused on your family. There's enough for all of you. I always think of when you're on an airplane and they say fasten your mask before you help others. It's so you keep yourself safe. You're no help to anyone on the plane if you can't breath. Well, it's time to tighten your face mask my dear. Focus on you and getting to a good place. Just go do the next right thing, whatever it is, no matter how simple. Get to a meeting if you can and keep coming back here. It works.
(((Hugs)))
Hello Kerry, I can certainly relate. Alanon face to face meetings helped me to deal with my son's alcoholism and inability to keep a job.
One of the first ideas I grasped onto in Al-Anon was that I was powerless over the disease of alcoholism. This meant that I didn't cause it, nor could I control it or cure it. It is a progressive chronic dreadful disease.
Because the family has been trying so hard to deal with the insanity of the disease, we too need a program of recovery to address the negative attitudes and actions that we have developed.The best that we the family members can do is to find a program of recovery for ourselves so that we can better interact in the world.
One of the things that I also did was to project into the future and become fearful about taking action that might have in a negative outcome. Attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings, I was supported by people who truly understand, given constructive tools to live by, as well as a faith in a power greater than myself. This enabled me to keep the focus on myself, take actions to protect my financial stability and home also having compassion and empathy with the suffering alcoholic.
Please keep coming back here and search out face-to-face meetings. You are not alone.
Welcome to MIP Kerry - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am so sorry for the pain the disease is bringing to you and your family....I can relate to your story and we did have to set firm boundaries and evict (formally) both of our sons. It was the hardest thing I ever did yet nothing changes if nothing changes.
I learned in recovery that this is a disease which has no cure. Recovery is there and available for those who want it and my choices, habits and patterns were part of the cycle for my sons' illness. Each time I allowed unacceptable behavior, I changed the norm until the norm was well beyond anything remotely healthy or 'normal'.
Al-Anon can arm you with the support and tools necessary to determine how best to work on the disease as it affects you. It starts with meetings and suggestions that help us live one day at a time. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have written out the three C's on an index card and posted it on the wall by my desk... I need to just keep saying it over and over and replace some of the ugly thoughts in my mind... One day at a time, and hoping and praying for a better tomorrow. Thank you for writing back to me.
Kerry - so glad to hear that you are looking for a face to face meeting....MIP here is AWESOME!!! Face to Face meetings are even better as there you will find others who also understand what you are going through and what you are feeling. I was amazed at the help and hope I found in F2F meetings - my hope is you find that also.
Keep coming back - MIP is a wealth of good ESH and we all support each other! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what could happen should I stop "helping" my daughter and was very fearful of her ending up homeless. This did not happen. By projecting my fears into the future, thinking about all of the what ifs I exhausted my self mentally to the point where I was barely present in my own life. All of my energy and thoughts were focused on saving her which was a complete and futile waste of my time, energy and money. Nothing changed until she was sick and tired of being sick and tired and she embraced recovery. Looking back I certainly made some mistakes and prevented some crisis from happening which may have been the crisis that got her into recovery sooner. I to wasn't ready to do things differently until I Was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Accepting my powerlessness over this disease was the first step. Where there is life there is hope. Take care.
