Hi KT I can certainly identify with holding grudges and resentments for years and years and entering r Al-Anon and I was handed the tools that saved my life. Working steps four through 11 shed light on what I was doing to hurt myself, but it also told me that I could not change myself.  That I was powerless over fixing my negative attitudes that I had to Humbly ask my Higher Power to do this.  The Six Step suggests that I become entirely ready to have my defects removed. The only way I did that was by attending meetings, reading literature, praying, and then one day I turned around and saw that I was responding differently. I was no longer abrupt and sarcastic, nor did I jump to conclusions or judge or  criticize.  I did nothing directly to eliminate these responses consciously. However, by asking HP to lift my defects  and using the tools that Al-Anon offered me, the defects were lifted and I was able to respond with kindness, courtesy and respect.

The program works

KT2015 wrote:

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I've had some insight lately into something that I am not the most proud of about myself.  I can hold a grudge for a long time.  And I'm really not very good at accepting apologies. A recent incident with a friend helped me see this.  I had a friend who did something crappy, apologized pretty quickly about it in a sincere way.  I accepted it but underneath I really didn't accept it.  And then I did what I seem to do best I pulled away and gave him the cold shoulder.  Suddenly I realized he was ignoring me and I was outraged "He was mean to ME then HE ignores ME when he didn't even apologize properly in the first place".  That is the actual crazy thought I caught swirling around in my head.  It's embarrassing to admit any of this but I do this with a lot of people in my life and I don't like this about myself.  If someone does something wrong to me and they apologize I can't let it go easily.  I'm often quick to accept the apology verbally but it takes a long time for my heart to catch up.  I have heard this from many people that I have coldly shut out because I continued to hold a grudge against them.  I hear from my AH all the time how I won't accept an apology unless it is a perfect apology.   He's partially right about that. I am grateful about this incident with my friend because even though it drove me a little nuts at first I got some really great insight into it. Does anyone else experience this and have you made progress with it?  Any ESH would be appreciated.  Thanks!

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This is about YOU. Period. There is something in you -- perhaps anger and resentment -- that is causing you to be this way. This is something you can work on. Perhaps there is an element of acceptance there. Something. I went through a similar phase, and I worked on it with my sponsor, and again in doing Blueprint for Progress. It worked! It was a problem with anger and resentment, which was a byproduct of acceptance -- and lack of actually, LOL -- and that impacted me, moving forward, in other relationships. It impact me almost everywhere. 

I had to work on that and resolve it. So, I did. LOL.

Hi KT

I've had some experience with this but there can be many reasons concerning your own personal behavior in these situations. Working the 4th and 5th steps were very helpful for understanding myself and why I do the thing I do. Here are a few things that were true for me concerning apologies when I was new to Alanon.

When I was living with someone who was actively drinking/drugging, trying to make someone work for my forgiveness was a desperate skewed way of seeking attention because I got very little attention from my addicted husband whose attention was on his habit. My hope was that while drinking and drugging, he might come back to me over and over due to my acts of brooding and tears and give me attention by begging for my forgiveness. Obviously, I didn't know a whole lot about the disease of alcoholism/addiction when I got to Alanon. I was trying to manipulate the situation with inappropriate behavior to control something I couldn't "alcoholism." I created a false feeling of self worth when in fact, I felt none. I was a brooding martyr who tried to get attention through tears, acting pitiful and believing I was a victim of another's behavior. Once I began surrounding myself with people in recovery and found a sponsor and worked the steps I found healthier, more adult ways to deal with where I was at emotionally and accept where others were at as well.

Also concerning apologies, I sometimes would immediately accept someone's apology no matter how it was presented because one of my defects was people pleasing. I also feared being abandoned by others and was fearful confronting other people. These issues caused me to not question the nature of the apology but rather just accept it as it was being offered in order to be liked by the other person, not lose the relationship or rock the boat with the apologizing person. Basically, I threw myself under the bus to maintain relationships with others. I was not being loving to myself, not being true to myself. If I felt I deserved more than what was being offered as an apology, I never asked for it.

Since working the steps, I have no problem asking questions these days when I receive an apology. Unlike back when I was new, I don't push my own feelings aside for the sake of other people's feelings. Sometimes a person will just say "I'm sorry." Sometimes that's enough. It's clearly evident in the moment what they are apologizing for. Other times, it may not be clear to me. If I am feeling that way, I might say that I appreciate the apology but it would be easier for me to make a decision concerning the apology if they tell me exactly what it is they are apologizing for. It might not be well received by the other person. They may say, "I said I'm sorry, what else do you want from me?" In Alanon, when we make amends to others in Step 9, we take ownership of our wrongs by stating them clearly to the person and to our higher power when asking for forgiveness. It's not easy but we do it just the same. My program has been a journey to finding courage to ask of others nothing less than I am willing to give them. This doesn't seem unreasonable to me. It can be hard sometimes to honor myself in this way even today but I continue to practice this by offering love, respectful words as well as a respectful tone of voice in this process. I try to love myself enough to find the courage to ask for what I deserve. Additionally, if the apologizing person expresses more clearly the reason for which they're apologizing; I don't feel obligated to instantly accept their apology just because they made the extra effort. I pay attention to my feelings unlike in the past when I just instantly accepted apologies without regard for my own feelings. That was the point at which I felt very angry and frankly that had everything to do with not being true to myself back then and nothing to do with the offending person. If I am comfortable with a person's amends today and want to accept their apology right then and there I do it. I say, "I accept your apology." If I am not sure about how I feel, I will say something like, "I appreciate your apology very much and would like some time to think about all that you've said. It's not mean't as a way to control the other person's manner of apologizing like when I was new to Alanon, it truly is because I may not know in that moment how I feel about it all and need time to process everything.  Incidently, I can make a decision to accept someone's apology just as they present it, accept other's right to refuse my apology or request for time to think about it. This is progress for me because in the old days, these things would trigger fear of abandonment. I no longer experience this thanks to Alanon and a loving higher power guiding my life. Working Alanon is an ongoing process. We are all individuals with our own histories and issues. This is just my experience. I hope something I shared helpsyou on your recovery journey in some way.  Thanks for your share. It's helped me. (((hugs))) TT