Lissie wrote:

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Hi everyone,

I started Al Anon in January after a very turbulent holiday season and am so thankful for this board and my F2F group. My husband is a functioning/binge drinker. He drinks for hours at a time almost every single day. Yesterday for example, he drank for over 12 hours and then drove to the store for another 6 pack at 2 am. Unfortunately, I engaged after being woken up, which I immediately knew was a bad idea. It was a short-lived interaction but I got no sleep because my obsessive thinking spiraled out of control and I couldn't seem to be able to stop it. 

What I am struggling with today is what to do after things come to a head like they did last night. Sometimes I say/do nothing, and other times I try to have a conversation with him once he is sober. I feel like neither approach accomplishes anything, and I am constantly reminded of Step 1 and recognizing all of the layers of insanity that this disease creates. My husband is deep in denial and blame, and I am very aware that my responses/reactions don't help our already tense dynamic. Any ESH on how to healthily interact with an alcoholic spouse after an alcohol-induced confrontation?

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Unfortunately, I engaged....well, at least you have awareness around this. This is about you and your actions, behavior, etc. You don't have to engage. You knew it was a bad idea. OK, so you did it. Don't beat yourself up and move on. However, regarding the obsessive thinking, spiraling out of control, etc. -- you can stop it. Work on it. Meet with your sponsor and do the work. Learn about focusing on you, doing the next right thing in front of you, the next right thing for you, for you to be healthy, for you to get better. You control your thoughts...your thoughts don't control you. 

I hear what you are struggling about. You will hear -- many times, constantly -- here, in the rooms, etc., to not engage with the alcoholic when they have been drinking. OK. So be it. However, I personally believe there are times you shouldn't engage even when they are sober! It's not a function of time -- it's a function of topics. Just because my AW was sober, that didn't mean it was OK, safe, healthy, beneficial, etc., for me to have a conversation with her about certain topics. Here's an exercise for you...does it need to be said, does it need to be said now and does it need to be said by you? Here's another -- check your motives. You husband is in deep denial and blame...do you think that ends when he is sober? No way. Thus, there are certain topics and conversations you will not want to have with him even when he is sober. I did that for years. She's sober, so now I can "try and make my point" or now I can "explain myself" and now I can "be right" and so on. 

If you are looking for a healthy way to interact with a spouse --after an incident -- and when they are sober, look at you. What is it you want to say or discuss? Check your motives. I always waited until she was sober and then used that opportunity simply to re-state my boundaries, or explain what she could expect from me next time, or what I was willing and not willing to do. I did not wait until she was sober just to tell her how angry, disappointed, upset, scared, etc., I was the night before when she was drunk. I didn't wait until she was sober to tell her what happened. I didn't wait to make a point, be right, prove her wrong, tell her all the horrible things she did, etc.

When she was sober -- I told her "from a place of I" -- that's it. I didn't blame, reference, talk about her, etc. I told her what I did, would do, my boundaries, what I would do, not do, and so on. This is about YOU.

Good luck.

Thank you, Bo and Iamhere. I appreciate your responses so much. I don't have a sponsor yet but am hoping to ask someone from my F2F group this week. I am also looking into counseling. I am going to spend some time thinking about intentions, boundaries, and taking things one day at a time (or one hour at a time if needed). 

My AH came home a bit ago after avoiding me all evening (which gave me time to go to a meeting) and sending some passive aggressive texts earlier. I was able to apologize for my actions last night sincerely and without expecting an apology in return. The tension has lifted and I am encouraged that by learning to focus on myself I can find peace and happiness.