Hi Juneinine,

Going to meetings and staying in contact with your sponsor can only help for figuring out what actions you want to take concerning your living situation. In Alanon we say To thine own self be true. When I completed my 5th step with my first Alanon sponsor, she gave me a keychain with a coin with that said that. Today, I'm grateful to be free of bondage to another's alcoholism to continue to focus on my own recovery from the effects of living with alcoholism, live my own life more fully with the guidance of my higher power and cherish serenity. 

Like you, I have had experience living with someone untrustworthy and I tried to help them. My greatest fear with my ex alcoholic/addict husband was "what if they die" if I don't help. It never occurred to me to ask myself "what if I lose my health, die" from the fallout of trying to fix him. My actions were motivated by who I was at that time. Working the steps helped me to take a courageous look inward in self love as to how I could begin to make healthy changes that would honor myself and learn to use Alanon tools to hold myself accountable as the only person responsible for my own happiness. 

I hope with continuing meetings, the steps and conversations with your loving sponsor and higher you'll find answers that bring you serenity and happiness. Glad you are here with me sharing this road to recovery. ((hugs))  TT 

If he can only stay with you so long as he hasn't found work, that's a powerful incentive not to find work.

I hope you have a good meeting and are working your recovery hard.  Take care of yourself.

Junenine wrote:

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i'm realizing i need to LEAVE.

ABF (was fiance) has habit of invading my privacy for no reason other than his own deep insecurity and possible OCD. we are already in a fragile place in our relationship and he did it again. he bugged my bedroom in my own home.  i also know he's drinking again after supposedly 7 months sobriety.

he lives with me, has no money, job, friends, family, really. nowhere to go. we've had 3+ years of struggle and attempts at sobriety and getting back to regular life. he's about to start job program and look for work - this is supposed to be great opportunity so he can get back on his feet. he's not violent at all. just quietly, sneakily, frustratingly destructive, mostly toward himself. i'm collateral damage.

the only thing between him and the street is me. he's known this. we are in NY and he knows i don't want to play a part in him winding up in a shelter. (i would know this is not my doing... it would be a consequence of his actions... and yet, this is the thing choking me and making me unable to kick him out. so far.)

and if he's reading this because he's found his way to this board as well, so be it.

i am heartbroken. this has been a very long road.

i'm considering letting him stay to attend classes and look for work. but i'm afraid that might be insane on my part, and i'm also afraid it can drag on and on.

i'm going to meetings and have a sponsor. any and all ESH much appreciated.

-- Edited by Junenine on Saturday 27th of May 2017 12:53:26 PM

-- Edited by Junenine on Saturday 27th of May 2017 01:24:24 PM

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OK, so you realize it. Do you? Are you talking yourself into it? Out of it? Take a step back and focus on you. Forget about why he's doing what he's doing -- just look at...he bugged your bedroom in your home!!! That is not only invasion of privacy, but it is illegal. It is mental abuse and harassment. Forget about why! Don't make excuses for him and his actions. He's drinking again...OK...and you? Focus on YOU. The he has no job, friends, money, etc. -- that is not your problem. That is the byproduct of his decisions, his actions and the way he has chosen to live his life. Period. You can say reasons why, excuses, rationalize, and so on -- but that is you in denial and making excuses so that you can keep doing what you've been doing. 

We've had 3 years of struggle and attempts at sobriety? No, he has!!! You have your own sobriety -- from this disease -- to deal with and focus on. Stop focusing on him. There's your problem. Insane on your part? What do you think? Enabling? Perpetuating the insanity?

I would up my meetings. I would meet with your sponsor and start doing the work. I would talk to your sponsor, every single day. You need to focus on YOU. Right now, you are not doing that. I hear you and feel what you are feeling. I've been there. On one hand, some people want to say "STOP, what are you doing?!?!? Run, run away now!!!" and all that. Others may want to do the program speak thing and along those lines. Me, if I am in pain. I want it to stop. Only I can stop my pain. So can you.

UPDATE:  

it's over. i ended the relationship, let him stay a couple nights, then kicked him out last night, he started inpatient today.

had awful 10 days. constant crisis until i was left with only one choice: self protection. 

exiting a state of emergency is a beautiful thing.

now for MY recovery. many lessons learned and many lessons in progress, i'm sure.

moving forward will mean me taking action for my own life.

thank you for all your support and responses - all very much appreciated.

many thanks, Sharon. (no little one involved, though he does have kids in college)

thank you, (((Iamhere))). doing my best and hell of a journey, for sure. thank you for your sisterhood.