The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I had a talk with A. I told him I had been thinking a lot and since he is continuing to drink, I needed some boundaries.
I gave him a few and explained that they are for ME. I was not placing blame, or making him out to be a bad guy, just that I needed them in order for me to function better within the relationship.
As typical, He blew them right down throughout the night. One after the other.
So why bother with boundaries? I they strictly for me, and if A knocks them down, I just suddenly pop up and say..'you went over my boundary, and now you must suffer the consequences.'?
I need help with this, because maybe I'm not understanding.
I also have trouble with the concept of boundaries. I think the main thing is that they have to be for US, not for him - that is, it is about what YOU will do, not about what he must or must not do. If it is truly YOUR boundary, HE can't blow it, only you can.
A boundary could be "I will not stay and listen to abuse". So when he starts to become abusive, you leave - the room, the building, the marriage, whatever is necessary.
Instead of saying to him "You must be home for dinner", your boundary could be "No more waiting for him in order to eat dinner". He knows what time it's ready, if he's not there, you eat, you clean up, do the dishes, and go on with your evening. When he gets home, he can warm up some leftovers, or make some toast, or go out again - his dinner is not your problem.
The key here, as I see it, is to set boundaries that you know you can and will enforce. Therefore it is probably best to start small, or with things that are vitally important to you. My husband knew that if he brought his drugging into the home, so that it affected our children directly, I would leave him. So though sometimes there was a crowd of lowlifes out in the garage, snorting coke, they did not come into the house. He also did not deal drugs, and did not hit me or the kids. These are the things that we both knew I felt strongly enough about that I would overcome my fear and dependancy, and would leave him over. Looking back, I see that these were about my only boundaries - anything else I would cave on, if pushed. Verbal abuse, infidelity, staying out all night, spending all our money, undependability.....all of this, when I would say "It has to stop" he would just blow it off. He knew, and I knew , that I did not really have a boundary on these issues. I was just trying to control his behaviour, and that never works.
The boundaries I set are MY boundaries. I will not buy alcohol, weed, drugs. I will not give him money for these things. I will not fix his messes when he gets into trouble. I will not lie for him. I will not make excuses for him. If I find drugs in my home I will call th police myself (and I have done this) If he blows his money than he is out of cigarettes, lunch money at work, gas for his four wheeler...I won't provide these things if he does not have the money due to his addiction. If he has paid extra bills or has done something not involving drugs or alcohol, then yes I will give him money for the extras. The boundary I am working on now is keeping him responsible for his own life, addiction, recovery. I'm not very good at it. It is still a work in progress (and it needs lots of progress!!!) I can't continue to protect him, work his program for him...These are my boundaries. Yes, they effect him, but they are mine. There is nothing he can do to blow them. Only I can. If I keep my boundaries in place and don't cave (and I do at times) then I am happier and less stressed. I try to keep in mind that we are supposed to only set boundaries that we believe we can stick to. If we don't stick to them, our loved one won't take us seriously and when we stick to them inconsistently, they get angry because THIS is the time we chose to stick to them.
I too have boundaries, but some are mine some are mine that if he crosses them there are consequences.
I don't live with A. But if he was here staying for awhile, if he lost his temper, said anything negative to me and was showing that awful abusive behavior, I would say you have to leave.
I will not take any bs at all. I don't care if we had kids or a home or whatever. He is out of here.
To me it is all the A understands. The disease HATES it when you tell it what to do and to get out.
Have you noticed how sweet and nice it is when it wants something? drugs, place to stay, alcohol whatever? How it sneaks its way in, Oh I can control it, I won't use, asks you questions like it is interested?
Then about five min later if that long, it is yelling or being obnoxious, or hitting you or calling your home a dump?
This A here one time came over and started tossing furniture and being totally awfulf in MY home. I got him out, sued him for damages and got an R order and did not see him for ten years.
Ok he came back sober. Ignorant me, married him and here I am. if you read the board you know where that is.
So for me hon it is consequences have to be put in place. Tell him ahead of time. Then if he throws something, I would say, Hmm well I guess you made the choice to throw things, time to go. goodbye.
Or whatever consequense YOU can live with. He can sleep on the couch or you can, or whatever.
It is me to have a major boundary of NO crap at all. To me abuse is abuse is abuse. I love my serene life. NO cussing,no complaining, no fear of the disease hurting my animals or my things.
NO disease attacking my person. I mean look, one frigging night over in my rental and he has a frigging hole in my NEW wall.
that is that. I don't know where he is I don't care. But I am years and years and years into this. I have watched him and spent time when he was still ok. I saw him and he is not a nice person ever anymore.
I like detachment at this point. When I set boundaries with my A it was a free ticket to go to the extreme and make me suffer. So, since he wet the bed nightly from passing out. I stopped washing the sheets daily and took up the couch. When he would stay out all night and come home crashing in drunk, I would just have the door locked with a note that read, "You make a noise or cause a scene, You go to jail" The best part I liked, I had asked him to quit putting his cans in the trash and all over the house, take them to the garage......I started putting them in his car. When he would ask me why? I would just tell him I was trying to make his trip to the dumpster easier.
Maybe, I was over the edge. I think the big part was going to the couch for me. I just know, when I started to detach.....I wasn't really all that concerned with my broken boundaries. I felt comfortable for the first time.
I just started my practice and haven’t learned much about boundaries. One I have vaguely made is that I do not want to be around A when he has been drinking. Sure, I will be in the same house, but I will not snuggle and will not hang out. Last night we were supposed to go to the movies together, but I came home and A had had a beer. Just one, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t want to spend my evening with the specter of A hanging over it. So I went to a meeting instead. It makes A feel alone and A keeps trying to get me to connect with him when he is drinking but I remain distant. Sometimes I detach with love, sometimes I am just annoyed that he chose to be with the bottle instead of me. I make it very clear to him that I enjoy being with him, not the A version of him. I am civil when A drinks, but do not engage with him or his attempts to engage me. This is very difficult for me. Not trying to control the situation goes against my ingrained behavior. I keep wanting to go tell A how I feel and why I am being distant and MAKE him understand that his drinking has consequences, but I have to keep reminding myself that there is no reasoning with a drunk person and A probably won’t remember any conversation tomorrow anyway. A is drinking right now and I want to run out there grab the bottle, throw it out the window and scream my frustration with his disease to the skies. His drinking makes me feel loss and sadness and it sucks. I think I need to clearly define boundaries and then be consistent, but I am not really sure what exact boundaries would be helpful to me.
