The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I planned a really romantic evening for my husband to show him I appreciate all of the hard work he has put into getting off of drugs by detoxing at home and working a program. When he got home all of the lights were out and I had candles burning. At one point he turned on a lamp in the bedroom so he could eat dinner and I noticed his face looked terrible. He has had a cold for a few days. I found myself studying his eyes and face to see if he had been using. He was acting as if he's used crack or coke...pills maybe? I started listening to his speech, yup, there it was...a slight slurr. He was able to perform sexually so I wondered if maybe I was wrong. In the past if he had denied taking any pills I always demanded sex because that was one sure way I could tell that he's taken them. I thought to myself that I am taking his inventory and I asked him anyway if he had taken any pills. His feelings were hurt. He assured me he had not. THen I fell back into an old rut...I made sure to tell him how much I love him and how proud I am of him for fighting this thing and finally getting help. I sincerely meant it, but I said it with the intention of making him feel really guilty if he had used. I went to bed with the familiar fear in my stomach. I woke up this morning and his speech was the same. He has a cold. He got up and went to his meeting. He probably did not take any pills, but how do I keep that fear from coming back over and over again? I hate that sickening sinking feeling. I came to the chat room last night instead of focusing on him for too long and that helped. I am trying to enjoy the days of sobriety that His HP is offering one day at a time, but I keep getting negative thoughts in my head that this won't last. Over the past few days I have found myself comforted with the fact that he will have to pass a drug test for court. I find myself almost wishing he would fail it so the judge would order more treatment when he's finished at the treatment center. He really likes the drug therapy sessions, but isn't crazy about NA. He dreads going, but ends up enjoying it and feels really good after a meeting. How do I let go of my old behaviors? How do I keep the feelings from making me sick? I can't do anything about his using and only his HP has that kind of power. I don't feel as if I am controlling anymore, maybe a bit manipulative. Well, I guess that's a form of control by guilt. I'm not as controlling. I just can't get over the "need to know" every time he uses. That's even harder than admitting I am powerless. Has anyone else experienced this? Any other literature I could read? I have been reading Courage to Change, Paths of Recovery and really got a lot out of Marriage on the Rocks. That was probably my favorite because it explained the dynamics with the spouse and gave me a better understanding of what I was doing wrong and why.
Use the same techniques your husband is using right now, when he wants to get high.
One minute at a time - "I won't ask him or think about it until after I have done the dishes". "I won't worry about it until this TV program is over", until the urge goes away.
Stick close to your program - call someone, come here, read your literature.
If you don't want to slip, stay out of slippery places - if seeing his face, hearing his voice, sets you off, go out - for a walk, to a movie, see a friend, shopping....
If nothing else, the trouble you are having, the way you just can't stop yourself from doing something that you know is not good for either of you, can give you some insight into what he is going through. If YOU find it this hard to stop an old addictive behaviour, think how hard it is for him, who also has a physical addiction to battle. I often think about this - I expect him to 'just stop', yet I have a lot of trouble 'just stopping' my own bad behaviours - controlling, overeating, obsessing..... Reminds me to get out of his way, and keep my own side of the street clean.
