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I'm traveling this week for work. Putting in 14 hour days at our training center and I'm exhausted. My son has finished school as of Wednesday and he had been dealing with some anxiety about his future, etc. So, he was already not having a 100% week.
My son texted me yesterday and told me "I'm really angry at dad right now!!!!"
I was in a compliance meeting so I'm trying to text discreetly and I managed to find out that his dad was most likely in a blackout. He was slumped over in his office chair, shirtless, but with shoes on and my son came home and tried to greet him. He woke up the ex and all hell broke loose. My ex followed my son to the family room, kept being belligerent and trying to sit on my son and then he would try to pick at my son's face. Ex then yelled at the dog and he saw my son on his phone so he grabbed my son's phone and threw it across the room. He then sat some nasty things and threw himself on my son on the couch and then took the dog's bully stick and smeared it across my son's face. My son got up and tried to leave and my ex grabbed him by the shirt and threw him back down on the couch threatening to sit on him again.
My son lied and told his dad he had to go because it was 3:30, when it was really 12:30 PM and my ex let him leave. My son said he wanted to fight back but he knew that in a blackout, alcoholics are unpredictable and he didn't want to get hurt any further. He is VERY angry and he said he will be confronting his father basically telling him, "If you continue like this, I will be done with you. You say I'm all you have. But, I will not continue to put myself in this position. Get your crap together!!" That was word for word what he told me.
I hate this disease. My son wants a relationship with his father. He knows his dad is spiraling. He told me he wanted to dump all the alcohol in the house but he knew that his dad would just buy more. He's so aware for his age. I am so angry at my ex. Beyond angry actually. My dad was verbally abusive when he was drunk but no behavior should be excused just because someone is under the influence.
So, my bf, the wonderful man that he is has offered to take my son to a concert with us tonight and told my son to invite a friend. And, he told me we should have a high school graduation celebration at our house next weekend for my son. I have taken on a very demanding career to better myself and my son's future. But, honestly, I don't have the mental or emotional energy to deal with my ex's antics anymore. The man is headed for death soon and my son knows it. It's just plain old sad.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I had an encounter like that with my bio dad when I was about 21 and although I've endured worse in terms of actual physical harm in later years, I have to say it is still one of the most traumatic things I have ever experienced. If I could go back in time and speak to myself I would insist that younger, meeker me call the cops and refuse to see that guy again for a really, really long time (like, years and then only if there was a good reason to believe he had received serious help).
I think maybe, if someone had helped me back then to understand that it was in no way acceptable for someone to physically assault me or threaten or restrain me (or remove or damage my property etc) maybe I wouldn't have tolerated it over and over in my adult life and needed so much re-programming to learn to do something straightforward like call the cops and gtfo. So I reckon, just speaking as someone who had a similar encounter at a similar age to your son, that having some encouragement to hold the (ahem....) accountable for his behaviour and protect myself with all available means would I think have really, really helped me protect myself in later life.
Hugs to your boy. I hope you are all able to enjoy his graduation celebrations and he recovers from this and establishes some major boundaries.
I'm so sorry this has happened, I really hope your son will get through this stronger than before, he already seems to understand the disease and how to stay healthy pretty well.
(((andromeda))) - tough, tough, tough situation for your son and you - sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
My AH can be passive/aggressive often and it's not necessarily always alcohol related. While I consider that, it still may be a disease issue. I've always heard that maturity ceases at the age where the disease begins. For many alcoholics, that first drink is a game-changer - in my own experience, I did feel like a young teenager when I got sober in my 20s.
I share only as a 'good to know' for you/your son. Clearly the behaviors described by your boy are NOT those of a mature adult. My sons (it's a boy/guy thing) desperately wanted attention from their father. No matter the knowledge they gained about the disease and no matter what they knew/heard/understood about abuse, they felt as if they said/did the right thing, it would change or get better.
Not having exposure to recovery, I was at a loss as to how to help them best. They did call the police a couple of times on my AH, and it did not go well for anybody. It turned into a yelling/screaming/crazy match with the police looking at me. I was not present so truly could not tell anyone what happened.
Denial in this disease is the most common denominator. It was obvious to me watching my own boys that they thought they could fix, control, change, convince my AH to be/do better and we know from our own experience that the disease is bigger than any human power/words. My sons would not attend/participate in any Al-Anon or AlaTeen and were on their own journey, so all I could do was be there for them, support them and subtly impart wisdom shared with me by others. I said over and over and over and over again that how others act/speak has nothing to do with them, but has everything to do with the source. I made sure they understood as best they could boundaries and detaching and totally empowered them to call the police if they felt that was necessary.
You've done great with your son and he's got a good head on his shoulders. His quick thinking got him out of a chaotic, emotionally/substance fueled situation that could have been way worse. Fighting back here did not produce the desired results; it really only made matters worse in the moment. I suspect that as angry as he is, he's also very hurt deep down and feeling as if he's not good enough (my boys felt like this).
I reminded my sons they always had choices. Choices to walk away, escape, etc. - whatever they felt was right for their own peace of mind and/or safety. My husband and I were both raised with corporal punishment in our homes and it's legal in our state which makes things even more complex for the mind of a child. They've come to a place in their lives where they accept him for who he is and have boundaries as best they can. They both still seek approval from him but also understand that he's doing the best he can with what he's got - and that can be limited depending upon the day!
Be there as you have for your son and love him as he processes. Offer what you can and just make sure he knows you'll support his choices. Lean into your program and seek support - others will have ESH to share. It's so, so hard to watch our children in pain yet it's part of their journey. (((Hugs))) - I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks everyone. He hasn't said anything to his father yet. Yesterday he said his dad slept until 4 PM and then woke up in a foul mood and he decided it wasn't a good time. I told him there will never be a 'good time' when it comes to his dad and that he needs to confront it and not overlook it, as I did 30 years ago with my own father. He is torn. He sees his dad spiraling and a part of him is angry and the other part of him is sad and lonely and depressed. He said he hates his dad's family and that he won't speak to any of them because they are just as alcoholic and crazy as he sees my XAH being.
He knows he has lots of friends in town. He knows he has the full support of my family and the love of our extended family, as well. He knows that my bf and his girls care about him so very much. He just needs to decide which way he wants his life to go and how much interaction he wants with his father. I hate all of THIS! We should be celebrating a new transition in life for him, not dealing with the insanity of the disease of alcoholism.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I hear you girl - and perhaps, as best you can one day at a time, you can remind him of When in Doubt Don't means live your life until the time feels right.
I do agree with you that there will not be a good time - so true - yet I watched my own trying to find it for a long while. It does stink for him, for you - for all....glad to here he knows he's got tons of love and support - that matters! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
IM sorry for you and your son's pain. nothing is as frightening as someone who is supposed to love u, coming at you like an alien monster and hurting u. I remember the terror i felt.
peace to u
a
