The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In reading through the steps and the questions that go with them to ponder on i read this quote on step 2 "Recovery for me is focusing on my needs and wants and learning to voice those along with my feelings. I have read this a lot on this site and I understand that needing to focus on ones needs and wants and learn to voice them is a huge part of recover. What i now understand better this evening after a long conversation/argument with my AH who is just barely starting on his own path to recover, without a 12 step program, is that what he learned when he went to a 7day detox center and from his counselor is that he has to really be working hard to focus on what he needs and wants through his recovery, to focus on himself not what other's need or want. What we both individually need and want we discovered tonight directly contradict each other. He needs and wants to spend money to find a hobby and keep busy by buying and selling things while he is unable to go back to work but I need to not have him continue to spend money as his drinking and spending has put us in severe debt and i feel like i am drowning. How can he get what he feels he needs if it will keep me feeling reactive and bring me deeper into my own depths of despair?
I've personally reached a point where I will not consider a relationship with my ah until he enters a 12 step programme. 30 in 30 was my ultimatum, before we even discuss a relationship together. It was one I issued because either way, I'm good, and either way, our island to which we will both return, is tiny. The thing is, your recovery is yours. Learning to hear "no" and learning to accept it as the other persons fixed reality, are parts of an alcoholics journey too. We here in alanon have the saying, say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.
You can acknowledge someone's need without feeling obliged to fulfill it for them. Maybe saying I understand its important for you to have xyz, but I don't have that to give you. Its up to him then to find a way. All good stuff. Keep coming back.
I agree with A41. in my marriage, many times our needs and wants collided - He needed to throw money away and I needed to have the bills paid and feel secure. Talking things over revealed this seemingly impassible dilemma . I went back to work, kept all my money, stopped fighting about bills and he sought recovery. Sometimes we cannot get what we "Want" when others "Needs " are more important. Then we can learn to let them go . . i do believe the question in the Step wants us to learn to put the focus back on ourselves, not the other and discover what we can do to improve our lives,instead of waiting around for others to change Keep coming back The Steps are the key to Recovery
I think step 2 is about me for me and tells me that a power greater than me can lead me to sanity, if I come to believe it. I interpret that as to mean that I need to let go of other people's choices, actions, behaviours, its not really my business, its between them and the God of their understanding. Its like freeing your mind of the worry and focus on another human being. Believing that a power greater than you is at work and there is a bigger picture and everything is happening for the greater good in the lifes of each and every one of us.
Its really, Let Go and Let God. In other words, let him worry about his own recovery or lack of, its his and his alone. Your recovery is for you and the effects alcoholism has on you and working through these steps helps bring you into a more balanced viewpoint.
Im glad your doing this work because this is where freedom is. Freedom from the mental obsession we have with the drinker and then we get to know ourselves and begin to value ourselves and learn what unacceptable behaviour is and enabling is and it all begins to change. We get boundaries that we truly believe in and can stand up for, we begin to take care of ourselves and we stop enabling and accepting unacceptable behaviour.
Your question suggests you feel its your responsibility to meet his needs, ie money. Its not and you can say no if he asks for money, its pretty sensible to safeguard your finances with an active drinker, they could and would bleed you dry.
As a finance major who is also in recovery, the first question I would ask of your husband is how will he finance his hobby? If he suggests you, you then get to state your boundary. When I learned to stop taking what others said personal, I began to see that often it wasn't really even about me.
Step 2 suggests we came to believe in a power greater than self to restore us to sanity. It doesn't say sanity will come fast nor does it say a higher power will create something out of nothing. Anyone who wants to start their own business or a side business needs start-up funds. When things here collide, I look to can I be of service in any way, not how to. Sometimes, the only way I can be of service is to pray for them as I don't have anything else to offer for the latest idea.
Before recovery, in your scenario, I would have probably snapped, suggested that was a dumb idea and that there was no money for it. In recovery, I've learned to listen, hear what's really being said and then see if I can offer any service. The one thing I did hear that sounds promising is he does realize he needs to keep busy. That's so true for an A in early recovery. If he feels this will keep his busy, he can certainly start by selling things around the home to raise the start-up money.
I sell online using a variety of venues and that's how most get started - selling things that are no longer needed/wanted around the home. All 3 of my A(s) believe that money grows on trees...I'm more like Betty - want my bills paid and extra for emergencies. Living paycheck to paycheck causes me even more stress than living with this disease!!!
I have to dissect things to better understand and respond at times. If money is tight, that's what you say - would love to support your idea, but money is tight. How else can you fund your start-up? Then....let it go and let him figure it out! Just thinking out loud - hope it helps!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I didn't really read this question as a step 2 issue to be honest. There is literature in alanon which addresses the steps as they apply to marriage. " the dilemna of the alcoholic marriage". Your local alanon service center in the white pages can assist with obtaining the book.
