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Hi everyone. I just had the most miserable weekend so I'm going to vent on here and ask for some advice. Sorry it's long and complain-y, I'm just so frustrated. My AH managed to come home two nights in a row last week, wow (haha), he did stay up and get hammered but whatever I was trying to be somewhat positive. He asked if I wanted to go out for dinner Friday and I was like "sure, it's been forever, why not" etc. So instead he goes out for drinks after work and then comes home for our date (without telling me of course), doesn't get home in time, the babysitter left already and we are right back in the miserable predictable pattern where I am just so over even trying. He was really prickly like he often is when he comes home after a few drinks and I just tried to keep things civil and went to bed early to avoid him. He stayed up super late binge drinking and wasn't able to get up at all saturday. The usual "I feel bad you didn't sleep in, tomorrow is mother's day, i'll do something nice" - later that night we had to drive an hour away to a birthday thing, I was the DD and he got incredibly hammered and the car ride home with him was just the worst. He just insulted me the whole time, he got so angry I wouldn't get into discussing our marital problems and he went back to his old script about how it doesn't matter if he comes home or not, because I'm so miserable to him either way, even when he "tries" - which just means coming home after work. I am actually pretty nice considering everything, I get over things pretty fast. He's just critical that I'm not passionately kissing him and making him feel adored when he comes around. I just feel like, what planet are you living on?! Once again stayed up getting drunk, obviously did nothing mother's day - I ran all the errands with our daughter and bought flowers for his mother, etc. I honestly don't care about mother's day that much, it's just when he eventually woke up he was like "Since you wouldn't talk to me last night, it's up to you to make some conversation with me today" like bold move, it's mother's day, you've done nothing and now you're telling me that I need to make it up to you. I said you were really mean to me driving home last night and I was just trying to stay calm and focus on driving safely, and he was like "it's both our faults, you are passive aggressive and frigid" - I am trying to do all the detaching stuff from al-anon - he was mocking me for that as well, like I am not being hateful or mean, just trying to keep the peace and he doesn't stop. Finally after dinner with my family last night (which was actually nice) we come home - I woke up at 2 am because my daughter had a fever and he is still up drunkenly stumbling around downstairs and it just brings home that i am totally a single parent. I'm telling him why I'm awake, staring into those dead drunk eyes telling him she has a high fever and he is trying to "participate" in the conversation. Anyway, the advice part is today he is phoning me all day "oh you sound down, what's up babe?" blah blah, I mean I don't want to talk about this any more, I can't explain common courtesy, i can't explain why you being hammered in the middle of the night while our daughter is sick is just the worst. I can't tell if he's just being manipulative or just doesn't get it?! Does it matter? Do I have to keep explaining what is rude and unacceptable about his behaviour? It doesn't change anything. My dad got me the number for a lawyer today - I'm just checking out my options so I can make a move down the road if I want to. This is just SO painful, we have a few good days and I'm feeling the worst guilt in the world that I'm "going behind his back" and talking to a lawyer, and then we have a weekend like this and I'm like "yep, I see the path we are on" - sorry this is long, it just feels good to write it down.
Yes I can relate to that in early recovery with my ah. I see progress even if maybe I didn't feel it at the time. Detaching from the crazy is what I see, where you do your part earnestly and start realizing what's not yours being their shortcomings. Its good stuff Vicki you're doing great. Keep coming back.
((Vicki)) sharing is very helpful, I agree I am pleased you were able to write it all out. please continue to take care of yourself, this is indeed dreadful disease .
I too applaud your share and the 'vent'....I am one who tends to write when I am bothered - it does seem to help me too! I agree with those above me - be gentle with you and take good care of you. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful - good job detaching as best you can!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow all the things your husband says is how my ABF was and in ways still is, but to a lesser degree since going to AA 7 momths ago. At times I really think they don't get it. Drunk or sober, I am starting to think it may take him a long time to stop saying certain things to me.
Thanks everyone, I definitely found it hard to navigate the waters of what is the disease and what is "normal marital problems" - turns out it's like 80/20 not 25/75 which he would like me to believe. He is really good at making it seem like our marriage is normal and I am obstructing things. Even last night he was home drunk after work again and telling me how my lack of communication is so bad for our marriage and unless he knows what is happening how can It get better? He definitely knows and things don't change. So many many many heart-to-hearts, as I know many of you relate. One thing that really stood out for me Saturday night on our very long car ride was him yelling about how it bothers ME that he stays up and gets drunk late at night and why would he stop for me unless I show him more love and affection. It just makes it more clear that he *admits* his drinking is an issue but he doesn't understand the degree but most importantly he doesn't want to change, it doesn't bother him.
Yes I have had the same type of conversation. You are discovering that we are indeed powerless over the disease. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. We can indeed focus on ourselves and speak our truth with out judging or blaming others.
Sorry you're having to deal with all of that. It sounds like you're doing the right things to keep yourself, your daughter and even him safe and happy. But like you said the drinking doesn't bother him but it's a major problem for you and your daughter.
I have to really recognize what is gaslighting, what is really my stuff and what is the other person's as long as I stay to my side of the street check my motives and detach then I'm good.
You are doing great .. just keep coming back :) Growth is optional, change is mandatory .. keep doing both. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Speaking from the side of the A for just a moment, the disease in 'us' tells us that we are not hurting anyone, and they are nitpicking us and starting all the issues. In actually, my fogged brain thought exactly in reverse what I thought when I found Al-Anon - if only they would stop ....................... then all would be better!
The insanity and denial caused by this disease is beyond comprehension. This applies to both sides. Each side clearly sees what the other side is doing 'wrong' but the disease also tells us that it's OK to take another's inventory. Recovery in both programs suggests that recovery, serenity, etc. comes when we can focus on ourselves, understand our own insecurities, defects and patterns and then work to change them.
We are truly powerless over other people, places and things. Before AA and/or Al-Anon, if anyone told me I was the problem or what I was doing was the issue and I felt differently, I would defend myself to the end. Today, I try to listen for application and then either take action or let it go. It takes 2 to get along and it takes 2 to not get along. When one or both are insane, it stands to reason harmony is darn near impossible.
I seek internal harmony and serenity. I find joy in my days and try to take things in stride instead of personally. I had a conception that marriage meant two become one and life is peachy/rosy always - what I'm learning is 2 should stay 2 and celebrate the commonalities and respect the differences.
Most Alcoholics are selfish and self-centered and immature. There is some alignment with addiction and mental health. Mine were most mean are sarcastic when they felt attacked. When I got better in recovery and stopped pointing out that the alcohol was the issue, things got better and their reactions to me were improved as they didn't feel beat down with each discussion.
My patience is way better when I can remember they have a disease, not a moral dilemma. I have the choice to walk away when I want/need to and I have pulled my car over and let them out when they act disrespectfully. My car, my rules....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
