The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have dealt with dealing with constant rejection from both my mother and father over the years. It has leaked out into me choosing unavailable men to have relationships with that never work out. I have been single the past seven years. I get lonely sometimes but it is better than being in a toxic unavailable relationship. I may have to accept being single the rest of my life and that is OK.
I fully get it and the why's of what goes on between the rejection and being a single parent. I'm 5 years in .. based upon how you count I have been doing it a whole lot longer than I realized.
One thing I can promise you is that working a program with a sponsor is one of the best healing things I have ever done for myself. I really encourage you to do the same .. it was through the relationship with my sponsor that I came to do so much healing in regards to my parents. I have a LONG ways to go however I am so much better than I have been .. ever. I only wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure it out.
One of the lessons I did come to realize was my choice of men was a direct reflection of me .. I picked emotionally unavailable men because I can be (working on that one .. LOL) emotionally unavailable and boy was my picker broken. I picked 2 addicts to marry .. not to date .. I was going to save them and it made me LOL at myself in a are you kidding me way .. when I realized that I have been causing my own pain .. these men were just being who they were .. it was not that I didn't deserve to be loved I had no experience to draw from on what a healthy relationship looked like.
Keep coming back you are worth it and I'm with you .. I open my mind and my heart to what love is currently defined and I am blessed beyond belief to have a wonderful man walk into my life .. it's not that I still don't struggle with my worst enemy between my ears .. I understand so much more about me that seeing what is mine .. makes my life sooo much easier.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Glad you're here with us. Our relationship with unavailable people bring us to Alanon. It's so hard to break free of what's familiar to us. Choosing not to accept toxic relationships Alanon progress. When I reached this point in my recovery it never occurred to me that maybe just maybe I was getting healthy. Coming from a history of being rejected within my family, my mind always went first to being "unlovable." From that mindset, if someone rejected me I thought I'd somehow not measured up or been enough. I remember sharing with my sponsor while I was dating and hoping to find a healthy relationship. I had mentioned to her that I was continuously being rejected. It seemed when I wanted to take things to a more emotionally intimate level time and time again this happened to me. Early dates were mostly small talk about superficial things and each of us was pretty much a mystery to one another. As a recovering person, I know staying in that place for too long creates fantasy/illusion around my relationships instead of knowing who I really am with that person and who they really are with me. Often when I wanted to progress to this next level of knowing a guy that is when they would reject me. Ultimately, this was for the best because I wasn't looking for a playdate, I was looking for a companion who was open to knowing me and allowing me to know them one day at a time. With time and my higher power's guidance, I eventually found such a person. Anyway, don't underestimate that your ability to finally show up for yourself could be a reason that unavailable guys reject you.
In my personal experience, I had to do some Alanon step work. A long history of unavailable people including myself meant I needed to either learn or relearn to feel many feeling that were dormant in me. In some cases, until Alanon; I'd not had anyone with whom to share those feeling. I also stuffed many feelings because with unsafe people there could be fall out if I'd shared them. Alanon says "feel, deal, heal." Sharing with a sponsor and opening up at meetings helped me personally to become available to myself and then to others.
I hope something here helped. I believe hp's unconditional love continues to guide us each day toward the best we can give ourselves. ((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
((((Kellygirl)))) the grace we get from recovery is that we only get to live in it one day at a time and the greatest gift is a Higher Power who we get to live in the day with. Keep coming back. Love yourself as we do. (((hugs)))
Hi Kellygirl,
I have been single for a longtime myself. I cannot imagine getting into a relationship right now. However, I would not mind meeting someone in the future. I know I have some work to do on myself before I can share any part of my life right now. I am a single mom, and grandma that takes up a lot of my time. I am hoping that being a part of Alanon will help me to relate to other people again. When you grow up in a dysfunctional home you feel like that is the only life you can relate too. I have had more than one relationship with an alcoholic. It seems like such a waste of my life, but now things are heading in the right direction.
Hey Kellygirl - when I swore off relationships the 'last' time, I stayed single for almost 7 years.....I met and married my current AH and plan to stick it out. What recovery has given me is I don't have to live in black/white or absolutes. Just today. Just for today, I am married and just for today, you are not.
God works miracles all around us each day. I believe the master plan is in control, not me/my plan. Rejection sucks - no doubt. Leaning into the program will give you tools to heal/deal with that as well as working on you so if someone comes along, you'll be healthy to engage in a healthy relationship.
I have said many, many times that my picker was broken. I do believe I 'settled' many times as I thought it was 'meant to be'. I now know where I am is where I am supposed to be, just for today and I am better equipped to deal with anything that is handed to me. It is my plan that I won't marry again should my husband pass before me. However, I will still enjoy meeting new people, having new friends and whatever happens...happens!
I am content and at peace with me and that's where my peace and joy come from. (((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
