The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello I am extraordinary frustrated and can cry oceans and seas combined. I have a live in B.F. he has 3 kids in late teens that do not reside with us, however, my 2 special needs do. He is a functional alcoholic and gets very hot tempered when he drinks. He doesnt have to even be drunk when he begins his rants. Hes ranted at my jobs and in public places while with my friends etc... Hes gotten physically aggressive once in which P.Os. were involved. I have let him be as I cannot control anyone nor change anyone but focus on me and my 2. He makes little to no effort developing a relationship with my kids. I dont think he can as he is overwhelmed in his world. I never developed a relationship with his kids because what is the point? Alot more to it. He expects me to lay with him when we have slept in seperate rooms due to his snoring ( apnea) and other things, keeping me up all night. When we used to have intimacy 3x a day week straight and id get endometriosis during my flow, i could not have intimacy. He would get very nasty and fight with me. I became very ill and diagnosed with Colitis. I was in and out dr n hospital 5 mths. Soon as i began recuperating he wanted intimacy. I did not as i was not ready. He promised over and again to get help but nothing. At this point I am completely turned off and realize i never knew him since he doesnt know himself. I lost jobs to his jealousy and rage. I studied at home and became a certified assertiveness communication coach. Now I have website and focused. I begin job at a Center for women in June to teach assertiveness. Im involved in a talk show for health and wellness. Am focused but he continues to fight about no intimacy. I get hes a man, of course and has needs but I have had enough of broken promises and disrespect. I understand it is a disease. I love him but I am done and he does not get it although I tell him and we pretty much have not been intimate for 8 mths. I treat him in a civilized manner and he takes it as an invitation to bed or reconciliation. Then he gets angry when i push away and says horrible things and accuses me of it all and says i lead him on and I should be grateful he still wants me. He says he is the victim here and that I use sex as a weapon. I cannot take this anymore.
I have BTDT and all I can say, based on my experience, is that is when I knew FOR ME, that it was over even if I wasn't ready to admit to it. Since you love this man, I suggest counseling or getting help through the program of Al Anon.
I just wasn't attracted to him anymore and wasn't in love with him anymore. You say you love him, but do you love yourself? Are you going to program and face to face Al Anon meetings? My ex used to call me frigid because I wouldn't have sex with him. Well, drunk and passive aggressive and depressed isn't something that instills sexual desire in me. He couldn't understand my POV and he used it against me to the point that the hole we were in just kept getting deeper as did his alcoholism.
I thought I'd never have sex again. I was so turned off by men and by what was going down in my marriage. But, I have been with my current BF for 2 years now and we have a good physical relationship. But, for him, our relationship isn't just about sex. My alcoholic ex used to base the health of our relationship on when or IF he was getting sex. My BF today doesn't count the days between our encounters, and if I'm ill or he's ill, we just chalk it up to life getting in the way and we know we'll reconnect eventually. We try to hug and snuggle and hold hands while we sit on the couch if one of us is needing to heal. There are no demands, no guilt, no manipulations, etc. It's so freeing to me to know that there are men out there who want a real relationship where sex is a bonus to the other aspects of 'us'.
My experience has allowed me to step back and find compassion for my ex, though. I see his neediness now and I understand he was coming from having that 'hole in his soul' that would never be filled. He needed me to fill it and my own soul was being sucked dry. I see it all now, looking back, and I do hope you find a meeting or a sponsor or some in real life support. My heart breaks for you because I truly relate to your share. HUGS....keep coming back.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
