The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thursday was my husband's payday... how I have come to loath paydays! I happen to see him driving and I thought to myself, "Hmmmm, he's home early, what's he doing here?" Then I remembered his bank is in the same shopping center. oh yea, I thought, now he'll go straight to the liquor store... tonight won't be fun.
I got home from work and rushing b/c my son had a spring concert for school. Sure enough, AH was lit. The good news is because of Al-Anon, I was able to actually ignore that, and get dressed and go see my son play. I had a wonderful night. At least until I cam home. My son and I walked in the house, and there was AH, blow-drying the bed b/c something was spilled on it! Ackkkkkkkk! Breathe. I told myself. My AH slurred out, "It was only water." My son whispers to me, "At least it was only water!" Ah, give me strength!
Last night, I also got home a little later from work then I was planning, and was unable to take my son to the Metro so he could go with his friends to see an art/music show his friend was in. My son got a ride from his dad. I didn't think twice about it, until I see AH pull up and proceed to run over the trash can!!! WTF!!! Yes, he was drunk. Even though I was fuming, I didn't say anything except, "I am going over to my parent's house... see you later."
It wasn't until later that night that my son told me about the "scary" ride to the Metro he had earlier. "So he drove you drunk?" I asked.
"Yea, I tried to tell him I would walk, but he just kept insisting he was fine, so I got in." It was a very swirvy ride, but we got there."
So this morning, while my AH was still sober, I sat down and told him that I don't want to accuse or anything, but I am drawing a line...plain and simple. I have put up with a lot of shit with you and your drinking, but when it comes ot our kid's safety, that is where I draw the line.
"So you're done?" he asks.
"Yes, I've told you that before. You will do what you do, and I will do what I will do... but putting our son at risk I cannot tolerate." "He is old enough to know when someone is impaired, and to know when he is uncomfortable. I do not want you to EVER drive him anywhere when you have been drinking, and I don't want you to even use your powers of a parent to try and convince him that you are OK...because that is not fair to him."
He agreed, and said that once he got our son down there, he realized that he shouldn't have done that. I had a ton to say, but kept it to myself. He then said again, "So you've given up." "No, I said, but I cannot live this way anymore."
"What will you do?" he said.
"Well, I don't have any-where to go, and I don't want to disrupt our son's home-life, so nowhere... but I am done with this."
"I don't want to put you through this either, but I don't know where I would go, and without you guys, I would never get better" "I am really trying, babe."
I just smiled and listened, b/c his version of "trying" is vastly different than my version. I am online all the time on this forum... I am going to meetings. What is he doing? Nothing. It is, what it is.
But at least I have a line drawn in the sand about my son. And I followed this up with talking with my son about how he can be stronger in his own feelings about this type of situation. He is at an age where you still have to listen to what your parents say, but when a situation isn't 'right." So I basically gave him "permission" to go with his gut and let dad know, "Hey, you know, I'm good with walking... thanks." and then just walking away... not engaging in the alcoholic reasoning. I hope that I helped in some way. I also mentioned again Al-ATeen.
I know that I am moving towards looking into seeing a lawyer. I have found out that in CA, you can be legally separated and still abide in the same house. Not ideal by any means, but perhaps a first step.
Thanks for listening!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
UGH UGH UGH .. I am sooo sorry you are going through this .. it was honestly my kids safety that pushed me over the edge on a LOT of things even my over reactions as they may be .. it's one thing for me to deal with the garbage it's another for my kids .. no choice no voice.
Your story brought to mind the last visitation the kids dealt with that was suppose to be an overnight .. all I can say is it is frightening what they will say to try and get someone in a vehicle with them. There were no more overnights and there was no visitation for a while after that also .. he really pulled a number is putting it mildly.
It sounds like you did great .. I do hope you will have a plan for you and your son regardless of what your AH does or doesn't do. While you can live in the same house with someone you are separated from .. after watching what my mom dealt with .. I don't recommend it unless you have a really amicable split and it can happen .. my mom got put through the ringer for various reasons and that man was straight up out of control when he was in an altered state of mind. I couldn't do it .. however some people can.
Big hugs, .. I know it's not easy .. you know I really do believe when I put myself out and do the footwork God really opens doors for me as to where I need to be or should be .. it's important to know things have a way of working themselves out.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
PnP - great job setting up your boundaries and helping your son feel empowered to make his own choice on the matter. Glad that you enjoyed the spring concert and that you're focusing on you and your recovery. Keep staying present in the now while doing what you can and more will always be revealed.
Sending you continued prayers and positive thoughts - it does work when you work it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Serenity... I love how I get more strength just from hearing other people's stories here.
((((Iamhere)))) and ((((hotrod)))) thank you!
Before I left for the concert, I asked him what he was going to do for dinner.... something here, does he want to buy something, I'll leave you some cash. NO, he says... I don't want you wondering if I am going to use it to drink. Using all my program, I say to him, I am not concerned about that, you will do what you will do, and I have no control over that.
So he says, "I'll just grab a salad."
I get home tonight and he's slurring his words and there is a Lean Cuisine in the trash. He just used the cash to buy vodka and his mom a card. What a loser. I am done being helpful. It never turns out good for me.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
