Wilady8 wrote:

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My fiancé of 2 years told me tonight that he is planning on moving out. I have been in recovery (al-anon) for one month and I feel like there is hope for me as a person as well as our relationship since joining Al-anon, going to meetings, and getting a sponsor. But now he says he is planning on moving out of our apartment. He says he is not leaving my and my 5 year old daughter high and dry and that he knows how much we depend on him (financially). My daughters father (A is not the father) and I have been going through a custody battle which has cost a lot of money, a lot of which he paid for. He said tonight that once the lawyers are paid he needs to save money to move into his own place. He has been sleeping on the couch. He said he is just being honest with how he feels right now because I deserve that. 

He has almost moved out a few months ago but I asked him to stay until the court stuff was over. The court stuff is now over. 

It feels strange to live with someone who cares and loves you but wants to move out. Is willing to stay for -- who knows how long -- to help out with bills. I do appreciate him wanting to help out but I also feel like thats is just prolonging a break up. Or maybe we need to just take some space - if that is moving out of just doing our own thing for a while. I don't know if its the end of our relationship. And I don't want to settle for a relationship that is not a fit. 

We both know that its out of our control in a way - let go and let god. We both know that we need to work on our own recovery. It just feels crappy that I just start to get well and start my own recovery and he is going to "bounce" but then again he'll stick around until the final bills are paid. Just feels uncomfortable because I am still in love with him and want to work things through. 

-- Edited by Wilady8 on Friday 12th of May 2017 12:22:51 AM

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Yes, it does feel strange. To many it feels "unnatural" or a step in the wrong direction so to speak. However, it doesn't have to be. Him being willing to stay, to help out with bills and wanting to help out doesn't automatically equal just prolonging a break up. It could mean he wants to help out, because he loves you and your daughter. Why do you feel that way? Why do you feel that him being willing to stay to help out is just prolonging a break up? Look at that. Why do you feel that way? That is about you -- self-worth, fear, insecurity, trust (not him, but you, trusting yourself), and perhaps numerous other issues.

Look, I wasn't there, I don't know you or him, or what was said. I know nothing. But, staying with you or moving out -- there is no reason why he would stay in the relationship until the final bills are paid...and then break up with you! That makes no sense. Is it possible? Yes. Is it probable? Probably not. Why would he do that? Guilt? Obligation? Because he wants to? Hero syndrome? Martyrism? Co-dependency? Something else?

OK, so it feels like crap. Surrender to that. Face it. Go through it. Acceptance. And keep doing what you need to do to get better, get healthy, etc. And, if you can, try and have an open and honest discussion with him about how you feel. Be vulnerable, put yourself out there with him and let him know your feelings, fear, etc.

Him moving out doesn't automatically mean "it's over" -- so talk to him. Be the healthy you and talk to him. He sounds like he has the attributes of a good person, no?