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I had not heard from my A ex-bf in a few weeks. Then he calls because he has a lot of stressful things going on. He is not drinking still which is good, and he found a place to live which is even better. Then, after the stressful part of the move was over I did not hear from him for a few days. I figured that is how he was before so things are not going to change just because he is not drinking. I was not mad, everyone needs someone to talk to when they are stressed. It could have been a worse interaction about something different. I talked to him today and he has gotten internet service at his new place. He cannot afford it, and he said he will have to do some work like I do. I work on the Internet but I have tried to get him jobs before and he does not want to learn the work. He does not want to do it until the last minute when he needs the money. One time I ended up writing up a report for him, and another time he gave me a migraine it was so stressful working with him. I have told him that I could tell him over the phone how to use the website I use and he turned me down. I keep getting the feeling that it might be time to tell him to not call me anymore. I think, he has been talking to women on the internet. I do not care, we are not together but maybe it is time to stop communicating. I hate trying to figure out why he is calling me. Normally he needs something. I have broken off communication with other friends that were like that. That crowd of drinkers and addicts that spend all their money and then want to spend yours. The people that only call you when their car is out of gas or some other preventable emergency has come up. Has anyone else remained friends with their ex-A? If they did were they only calling when they needed something like they did before they stopped drinking?
Hey Sharon - I don't have ex-A to compare to ... yet wanted to remind you while you consider the role you want/don't want to play in his life, you most certainly can avoid answering the phone. When I need 'space' to think, I did this often with my sons. I have informed them for years that I only return calls where a message is left - if they leave one, I call back. If they don't, I don't. It's for my sanity - I do like to know if the topic is 'hot' before I engage....
It also gives me a change to discuss with my sponsor if needed. Just a thought - you do get to decide who you talk to, when you do it, etc. This was a gift to me and continues to be one as I need it!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
IAM is so on with I pick and choose when I wish to engage with my X or whomever until I breathe. Just because someone calls it is not a requirement that I answer .. here's a funny .. my mom will call and I will listen to the message and it's verbatim .. it's your mother .. why are you not answering your phone .. (what I want to say in my message is if I don't take your call it's probably because I am hiding and protecting myself .. if you leave a message I might call you back .. if it's my mother .. hell hasn't frozen over .. yet). She will proceed to go on as if I have answered the phone OR I am listening on the other end not answering .. LOL! I always laugh to myself and think this is a generation thing for her.
It is ok not to pick up the phone and wait to call back or answer back. My XAH is so not my friend .. he is who he is that's not someone I qualify as a "friend" .. probably an intimate stranger .. he's not close to being a friend. Even if he's actually sober .. I trust my friends.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for your response Iamhere and Serenity,
It has been quiet tonight, no phone calls. I think next time I will not answer it, and gather myself before I have any conversation with him. I need to clarify his intentions and decide if he is genuine and just saying hi, or if he is telling me lies to get something from me. If he is just looking for something than I am going to ask him to not call anymore. It can shatter my serenity even though we are not having an all out fight like before.
Another element of this topic - for some reason, my sons assume I truly have nothing better to do and might be sitting around eating bon-bons....or the like. It is kind of funny because their whole lives, I've been a high energy person. I go/do tons of things and even when I am here at home, I always have chores, projects, cooking, something going on. I have to be/stay busy as part of my recovery. I am not good at relaxing and that's improved with Al-Anon but it is mind-boggling that they seem to think I am doing nothing and SHOULD be able to pick up the phone 'on demand'...
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
