Hugs Bettertomorrow, ..

UGH .. that feels pretty slimy and brings back memories .. my XAH stole from both myself and the kids. My kids were older so they just started moving money in their room and it was so not fair to live like that and when I realized he was taking from me I did something similar to IAM and just made sure he never knew where it was. He honestly didn't have the nerve to ask.

His attitude about money (and he wasn't drinking however dry drunks x 1000) was it's MY money and why shouldn't he take it. It was toothfairy, easter bunny kind of stuff even birthday/allowance .. nothing was off limits. I am very grateful that he never got to the point of selling the kids stuff .. that was not far off. I had asked him to leave right before that was going to start.

My suggestion is when in doubt don't however do protect yourself .. I kind of feel like this is a more will be revealed situation .. pause pray and proceed. When you see your answers you will know and for me it has become more of do not act immediately unless someone was in danger, I had time to think and reflect about what was the best course of action. I should probably say my second attorney said to me .. I don't think I have ever met someone who thinks like you do (more true than not, I'm a survivor of many things, so my instincts are to adapt to the situation and learn as much and as quickly as I can focusing on the best outcome, in the throws of chaos). She went on to say I don't mean this the way the word is often used however you are an opportunist .. you see a situation, what is going to benefit you the most and take action in accordance. This is a weird compliment however it's part of my make up, what is in my best interests and again, I include my kids in that statement as well.

Choice of him or me (includes the kids in that statement), I'm going to pick me every time. So maybe that makes me incredibly manipulative or incredibly smart .. reality is he went for 6 months no child support and believing he didn't owe a thing .. guess who's supplementing my pension. I have no problem with that even if he believes he's still screwing me. It is what it is .. so I believe what is in MY best interests in terms of dealing with some of this stuff .. because his disease doesn't give a crap about the kids or me.

Whatever you do .. do so with a clean mind and heart .. I have minor regrets however only about my attitude considering his illness .. for the most part .. if you are going to ask me if I owe him an amends .. nope ... not for asking him to leave. It was the right decision at the time for the whole family .. even him.

Hugs .. Keep coming back .. you will find your own answers through your HP.

S :)

Thank you both for your shares.  He has also stolen money from the children (99% sure) and some of the kids  stuff has gone 'missing' (like a new X box game). 

I will certainly lock away whatever I can now - any money and anything of value.  I will pray and sleep on things.  I didn't get mad when I caught him - I just said this is totally unacceptable and you have to leave.  Of course, I can't enforce that latter part.  We (me and the kids) also have nowhere to go and my daughter is about to sit some really important exams over the next month.  I simply don't have the money to move out with 4 children and it would not be at all beneficial for my daughter at this  time. 

I can control how I react (my priority is keeping a calm home env for my daughter at the moment); our possessions (I will lock away any cash and anything of value and get the kids to do the same); reinforce that this is not acceptable and continue to detach and work on our (mine and the  children's) future.  I am not sure where compassion fits into this, accept maybe to accept that it is the disease underpinning  all of his behaviours, including stealing and the 'so what' response, which ironically I found just as hard as the stealing itself. Maybe the most compassionate response will be to say that I am sorry he has taken to stealing to get money for alcohol; that it is not acceptable but that I also appreciate that is the path he is on at the moment and that he has a right to do whatever he wants, but I also have a right not to have that happen to me or the children or in our house. 

 

Hugs Bettertomorrow,

I really want to reiterate something that was true for me .. all of this healing is a process and I have always felt rushed by others who are uncomfortable with the fact that I was angry about something that happened with my XAH .. so this is your process. It's a feeling not a fact and this is a HORRIBLY UNREASONABLE situation .. it is OK to feel angry .. it is better to process through and again this is for my own situation .. the process doesn't last as long as it used to .. of course I still get angry over stupid stuff (when I take the logical look back at it) .. parents do not steal from their spouses or children .. that is NOT how relationships are healthy.

Regardless .. I get that he has a disease .. however he is still responsible for the consequences regardless .. and I do mean REGARDLESS (no different than anyone else on the planet) of if he is sober or drinking.

I like what you have to say about the compassionate response and here's the thing .. this is YOUR healing and it is about YOU .. maybe you have already processed through a ton of gunk to get to the good stuff .. and the good stuff is the healing stuff. Only you know that .. when my X stole from the kids .. my initial response was anger .. I did not talk to him about it because DUH .. what good would it do .. again I REALLY LIKE how you are setting the appropriate boundaries for yourself (they benefit your children to) and I get that you feel stifled in movement at the moment because of kiddos. When I give all of this stuff over to my HP and I breathe because I am not in a knee jerk reaction and I am responding to things I am soooo much better off mentally.

One thing I DO encourage you to do is don't set a boundary you can't follow through on .. that means if you are saying he can't stay there anymore then follow through .. because I learned the XA paid attention to my actions where I hung everything on the scraps of words he would through out there. Think about your boundary and what will and won't work for you .. as far as the leaving statement don't go there unless you can say this is it *boom* .. it won't have any kind of impact without the *boom* of action.

The compassionate response is great .. provided you can let it go and this isn't a well what I say will make a difference .. it makes a difference to YOU .. what he does is what he does.

Hugs .. I am truly sorry your family is suffering in this way .. it's so difficult when someone is battling through this mesh netting of addiction ..

S :)

Your plan sounds solid and good on you for formulating one. Knowing what your options are legally will help you with choices. I applaud you for trying to keep a peaceful home for the children and using your tools to do so. Great job with self-protection and planning. One of my biggest fears was separating from my AH when he was bad and having the kids 'visit'. I have no doubt that he has driven around intoxicated yet he's never been charged. My state will not limit visitation without cause (proof). So - if you can get permission for some type of separation, be sure to inquire about the rights of the children.

This is a dreadful disease and it does take kind, reasonable people and turn them into unknown souls. Know that you are not alone!

Bettertomorrow wrote:

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Hello - I would really appreciate anyone who can share ESH regarding an AH stealing money from their spouse.  My AH are I separating due to his alcohol issues and he is going to return to his home country in 2 months (basically working a notice period at work and saving up some money to take with him).   I keep very little money in the house and what I do I thought was well hidden.  However  basically money has gone missing and today I caught him red handed stealing it from me.  His response was 'so what' - even though he was 'sober' at the time.  I don't know what to do.  At one level, it is a huge violation for me and at another level, I am thinking why would I expect anything different. He is getting his money for alcohol however he does it - it's just another part of the disease. 

We had initially agreed that he would stay living in our house with our 4 children and me until he leaves in  2 months.  I don't know if I can still allow that to happen. He has no friends or anyone else to stay with.  He refuses to leave the house to stay in a motel and even then I would have to pay for it.  When he goes, he won't be paying anything towards the children and has  asked me for some money to start his new life!  I can't physically kick him out if he refuses to go as I can't control that.  However, even though I thought I was making progress in my alanon programme I am now asking myself if I have lost so much self esteem that I am even contemplating letting him stay here until he goes in 2 months.  Or do I just focus on the  end goal in getting him out of our lives, even if it means sucking it up for a few more weeks. 

I feel devastated. 

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Two issues here...one, what do you "do" and two, how do you "feel"...regarding the latter, you are supposed to feel devastated, hurt, upset, angry, and so on. Feel it. Surrender to it. You can't go around it, under it, over it...you have to go THROUGH it. That's part of recovery. That's how we get better. Step one is acceptance...and for us, we, have to accept, not only that the other person will only stop when and if they want to, but we also have to accept certain things we feel. And when we surrender to it, we can then go through it and be on the road to recovery. The alternative is denial deflection, stuffing or swallowing it, suppressing it, etc., and not dealing with it. Don't let it consume you, ruin you, but accept you feel that way, surrender to feeling that way, go through feeling that way, and start doing the work to get better.

As far as what to do -- protect yourself and your money. I used to lock my money in the car, keep it in my pocket until I go to sleep, and then sleep with my wallet in my pillow case, take it into the bathroom with me when I took a shower, etc., and so on. Now, those were the interim steps I took -- as I didn't and wasn't going to live my life that way. No shot! So, you feel violated -- and you were violated! You feel devastated...and you should. But don't let that consume or ruin you...and even though you expected it...so what!?!? But, even though you EXPECT it...that doesn't mean you have to ACCEPT it. DO NOT ACCEPT IT. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior...whether it is part of the disease or not. I expect a lot of things...but I do not accept them.

It doesn't matter that he has nowhere else to go...focus on you. That is his problem. Not yours. If he refuses, talk to your sponsor, the police, an attorney. If the lease or house is in your name, perhaps you can get him to leave. There are always options. Look for them. Keep looking at the motel option, talk to the lawyer or police about it. After that -- he is goes home, and will not be paying anything towards the family, children, household, etc. Why? Rhetorical question. You accepted that. If it were a vacation or rehab, OK, but this is to, as you call it "to start his new life!" -- OK, that's his choice. You have a choice too...and one choice is to NOT pay for anything toward that. Hide your money, do anything you can between now and when he leaves to protect yourself and his money. When he leaves...see a lawyer and change the locks! Protect YOU, and your children. 

Go to meetings! Many. Find a sponsor and start doing the work. You will get better.

Thank you all for your shares.  I did 'pause' overnight and focused on me and my self esteem.  My AH decided to walk out of work this morning, so now has no income at all as he has been sacked.   My way forward is now clear - and thank you all who have posted back to me in this message, it has given my self worth that bolster of value that I needed.  I have booked his ticket home and he will leave tomorrow.  I have made it very clear that this is it and will do whatever I have to see this through.  He is going home to his 'family' and has a house there so I have also made it very clear that as I am now looking after our house, our 4 children and bills entirely on my own, I will not be giving him any money at all for his new life.  Our paths  have now fully diverged.   Thank you all so much for your support. 

(((Bettertomorrow))) - good for you that the forward path became so clear. Sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts...(((hugs))) too!

Hello - I would appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers for the next 24 hours.  The disease is showing its ever ugly face.  Last night (the last night he will ever possibly have with our children - he has chosen to abandon them and wants no contact) he spent over an  hour lying on the floor to protect a stash of whiskey we had accidently found, whilst simultaneously swearing at anyone who came near him.  It made it so visually clear to me where his priority is and I thank my HP for showing me that as it helps me not to waver.  I have chosen to give him no money at all for his journey (a 13 hour flight) - he has no money as we cleared the bank account yesterday and  I am concerned he would be drunk before boarding and therefore be denied access to the flight.  This is so hard for me - I am mourning everything that could have been and the reality that we and the children  will probably never see him again (although I do appreciate this is also a blessing).  Thank you all for your words and thoughts - once I have this next 24 hours out of the way and he has definitely gone I will refocus on my own recovery.

(((Hugs))) Bettertomorrow - sending you positive energy, thoughts and tons of prayers...

He has gone.  I feed sad and empty but accept it is OK to feel like this.  Time now to keep working the programme and continue on my path to recovery.  Thank you all so much for your kind words, thoughts and prayers.  X

(((Bettertomorrow))) - I continue to send prayers and positive thoughts your way. Feel your feelings and be gentle with you. We never know what blessings are coming but I do know that doing the next right thing often results in unexpected serenity. Know that we're here for you.....you are not alone!