Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

starcatcher2 · Senior Member

Just looking for positive words

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm sorry (((starcatcher)))) I'm glad you posted about how you're feeling. Your avatar is one of my favorite sayings and it's so true. Also, when we have to work so hard for love and acceptance that doesn't honor what we know to be true of ourselves - that we're lovable as we are. HP is just saying "not now." Maybe this person is not ready, maybe there is hope in the future, maybe they aren't right for you. Your HP will guide you to what's next. I hope you'll do something nurturing for yourself as you go through these feelings. I have to tell you that when you asked for "positive words" and I saw words like drama and obstacles in your post; the first thing that popped into my head as I wanted to offer something positive was rocky road ice cream. Crazy huh? My hp has a sense of humor I guess. TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 6th of May 2017 09:05:04 PM

shrnp · Senior Member

You have to learn to love yourself. I am not saying that you don't but you should expect more from someone who says they love you. I am 56, and two years ago I graduated from college. It was really hard, and it took me five years. My A ex-bf would get mad at me for being on the computer all the time. He was treating my classes like I was chatting on Facebook or playing video games. He never asked about anything I was learning. All he did was complain. He did not care that before I got my degree I was broke all the time and could barely pay my bills. He did not nurture or support me emotionally either. I had to learn to do that for myself. We say one day at a time. It is natural to think about all the what ifs. I think we all grieve when a relationship ends.

starcatcher2 · Senior Member

Thank you for your positive words. I'm going minute, by minute right now. I'm just trying to find my footing.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs .. I remember when I split with my ex I had good days and bad days .. The good days were very few at first however the bad days got less as I got better. It will get better .. It's going to come in wanes .. Sometimes it will be gentle and sometimes it will be a raging storm. I vasilated between sadness to fury .. It does pass. I did a lot of program work and still do at times. I see things a little differently it doesn't color the reality of what living with my ex was like .. I now have a better sense of what my part was in our relationship. Hugs.

Mcat54 · Veteran Member

Hi starcatcher, I'm experiencing similar emotions, having recently moved into my own place. Waiting for final divorce decree. I've been in the woulda coulda shoulda mode and what-iffing myself quite a bit. My sister pointed out that one of the stages of grief is bargaining and gently suggested that's what I was doing. That brought me back to my powerlessness and the awareness that there was no way that I alone could fix or change what was supposed to be a joint effort.

It's hard to accept that part of the insanity and disease is the choice of that insanity and disease over the loving relationship. I keep turning that one over in my mind. He chose marijuana and alcohol over us. A non-program friend asked if it felt bad that maybe he didn't think I was worth giving those things up for. My answer: I am worth it. He doesn't know it, because he's sick. That's the insanity of addiction. It has nothing to do with my worthiness. I am 1000 percent sure of that thanks to my HP and the program.

I'm sad and feeling very raw at times. I'm processing a lot of what was suppressed, now that I'm in a safe place and not in survival mode. I'm letting the feelings come, keeping my literature close. I'm grateful that I'm sleeping better than I have in years. I love the quiet and peace of my new place. I love that I know what I'm coming home to every day.

I pray for good days and healing for you, Sharon.

Cathy

-- Edited by Mcat54 on Sunday 7th of May 2017 07:48:15 AM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((starcatcher))) - change is hard and frightening.....also, grief is hard and a process. Your first line spoke volumes to me - miss him but not the drama/chaos. I believe that sharing what you are feeling is a great tool for your own sanity and self-care. As life has unfolded for me, I've had many moments of uncertainty about the choices I was making. What I do know about me is I am a kind, compassionate, loving person and very fair. I do not make decisions that intentionally will harm others, but rather just put my own sanity/serenity as a priority. I believe you've done the same thing and while it may not feel so good now, focus as best you can on what's good in your life.

Peace of mind has become for me my number one daily priority/goal. I don't avoid unpleasant experiences, but I do embrace them armed with my Higher Power praying for his will in my actions. Be gentle with you and know you are not alone!!

If you don't make asset and gratitude lists, this may be a great day to start them. I really had a hard time finding good when I was hurting and these small tools were very helpful in changing my attitude and outlook. (((Hugs)))

WestMan · Senior Member

Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. Sending you positive thoughts.

starcatcher2 · Senior Member

Thank you everyone for all the positive comments. It's the quiet that kills me. The worst place to be is in your own mind. I do, as many of you, think back to what happened, and why? I sat in an Al anon meeting and honestly didn't hear a word. My mind was so muddled I just wanted to scream out, start bawling and make an utter fool of myself. So maybe someone could 5150 me, because my mind will not stop turning. I guess that is kind of like a life of an addict. Not to say at all I know what it's like. I'm just going from what I've been told. Because I am, after all an addict as well, addicted to him. I've got to break from my addiction. One of us has to.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Gratitude lists and focusing on what is right helps me during the difficult times. Keep coming back .. It helps.

Stan1 · Senior Member

Hello (((Starcatcher))) so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. Separating from someone you care for is a painful process. I found the quiet at first was uncomfortable as chaos had become my normg. I had to find different activities to fill the void. Luckily my group had a bowling team. Why would someone who can't even get the stance to throw the ball even consider joining team? It was the group members who urged me to try it assuring me the game was just for fun. So I showed up and found that I enjoyed bowling night, even got my score above 100 lol. Didn't matter what game I bowled it was the ESH I gained just being around people laughing and having a good time. Some nights we would even go for coffee afterwards which was always calming before going home to bed. It got the hamster off the wheel for the night. I also gained courage to join an exercise class, art class etc. , in other words join back into social activities that I had isolated myself from.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Starcatcher))) - I can relate to the mind fixating and projecting or lamenting on past events. I love my headphones - I'll put them on to walk outside or on the treadmill and also to vacuum and/or do chores. It helps me focus on something different beyond my own thoughts and what not that happens in my brain. Literature also helps me change up what's playing in my brain as well as repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over again. (((Hugs)))

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

starcatcher, i had similar feelings when i first moved away from my xah.. sometimes i just had to focus on being grateful for small things that were so nice to have. To sleep uninterupted,to eat what i wanted when i wanted, to play music i liked, to slowly get back in touch with the "me" i had neglected. There were times i cried in my walk in closet but also joyful calm too.
ak

shrnp · Senior Member

Breaking an addiction can be really hard and it is an effort. Living without something you are addicted to requires an effort. That is why people go to treatment. They have to learn how to think differently, how to cope differently, they learn why they had unhealthy relationships with the substance they were using. That is why having a program like Alanon is so great for the rest of the people. It is almost the same identical thing. It is just like you are saying that your substance is the alcoholic themselves. So, learn everything you can about Alanon, because it is the closet thing regular people have to rehab or AA. Many people say they lean into the program, it involves being engaged. Start working the 12 steps, listen to podcast, find some forums like this one, go to another meeting, learn some slogans and prayers.

I always liked the Just for Today Prayer, I don't know if there is a list of the different prayers on this website.

www.hazelden.org/web/blog-people-in-recovery.just-for-today.4684336.view

mojotwist · Newbie

Hi Starcatcher,

Funny, I'm going thru exactly the same thing you are and your post just makes me realize I'm not the only one...because I tend to think i am, so thank you for sharing. I didn't have the courage to share like you did and I commend you for reaching out and asking for help. I know you are hurting but together with all the help from these amazing AlAnon people, we will make it thru. And I would like to thank everyone else on this thread, your words mean so much to me even though this wasn't my thread

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

mojotwist - welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. Keep coming back - we are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!

starcatcher2 · Senior Member

It's difficult. Broken promises, broken trust. The alcohol takes over and it's excuse after excuse. I'm mentally exhausted. I want so much to go back to my happy days. I was in the car with my friend yesterday and we had the most side bursting, gut hurting laughter. I need to get to the point in my life where the past is the past. At least there is nothing in my home that reminds me of him.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene