The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In response to a lot of my posts, I often hear that I am putting too much focus on him and not enough on me. very true. And I also hear "the question..what are YOU going to do?" So over the last two years I have had boundaries which took awhile to put in use, but now I do great. He is actively in AA for 7 months but has not been 100% sober. But drinking 1x a week from 5x a week is step in right direction. Yes, I definitely see a change. But recently my lease came up and I had told him when he started AA, that until he has been SOBER for a long stretch of time, I cannot move in with him (I would also be bringing my teen daughter) I almost changed my mind, telling myself once a week or every other week wouldn't be bad, but I went to his house Wednesday and he had been drinking. The next day he knew he had messed up, went right to AA and literally was crying at how upset and angry he is with himself for his slip. I understood and can sympathize due to Al Anon but I also thought.. what about me? What am I going to do? So I told him that unfortunately there are consequences of drinking, and that me NOT moving in is a consequence.
It sucks and he is sad. But I think I did what is right for me and my daughter, even though some guilt is setting in. Like I am being a big meanie with rules.
Aerin - it sounds like you are really in touch with yourself and your needs. For what it's worth, I think you made a sound judgement call. I like the "Consequences of drinking."
Thanks
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Sounds like you are modeling good self-care and boundaries for your daughter. You are showing her that you place value on yourself and your peace of mind. I don't see a big meanie (though I also tend to question and doubt myself when I take care of myself appropriately. New behavior can feel uncomfortable for me). I see a strong woman who won't compromise on what she knows is right for her and her child. Bravo!
-- Edited by Mcat54 on Sunday 7th of May 2017 07:49:44 AM
seems clear that you're taking care of yourself and your daughter. absolutely NOTHING mean about that. as "al-anonics" we are accustomed to taking care of others before and instead of ourselves. so often what feels "mean" is actually fundamental self-care and healthy. more power to you.
Thank you all for your support. I think it has been a long time since I actually stuck to my guns about actual BIG consequences. It was so hard because of course he is sad and upset, but knows I am not changing my mind. I know it was his disease talking that day, but as I said, even AA says, there are consequences to drinking. Mattie on here said.. when in doubt, don't. I think that is so true. It is hard to see him sad and disappointed in himself. I hate this disease
good for you! very proud of you and the courage it took and will take to maintain the boundaries. i know it is not easy. you did the right thing for you and your daughter and your ABF. thank you for your example to all of us. i agree i hate this disease
