The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son & his wife divorced over a year ago. Ex daughter-in-law remarried last Oct. Son is engaged.
Ex daughter in law has been a stink. She bashes our son to the kids & my husband & I as well. And lots of other things too.
I have learned a lot this year; we just try to pour into the kids lives, we don't ever talk to them about their Mom unless we have something positive to say; we do not ask them any questions. We just love them & are there for them as we always were.
My problem is I feel everyone's pain; I know I need to stay in my own skin, because when I worry about the kids, it leaves me with an emotional hangover.
So I am always looking for ESH from people who have gone through this with their adult children & grandchildren.
Hello Summerlady,
I have had this same problem with my son's girlfriend. It is always a hard situation because of the kids. I have one grandson, and neither my son nor I talk about his mom in any negative way around him. She and some members of her family will talk bad about my son though. My son lives with me, and I just try to have a positive environment at my house. There was one weekend where she tried to start a physical fight with my son and I called the police. Now, she is not welcome at my house. I felt bad because I did not want that kind of relationship with her but I had to take a stand, and put my foot down. It could have backfired on me, but after living with an alcoholic partner I just did not want the chaos in my life anymore.
I actually have similar in reverse - it's my son who is the stinker and his baby momma who is easier to work with/talk to. I've worked hard to keep a relationship with each, separate from the other. Everyone who knows me knows that they can vent, share, BMW (Bitc., Moan, Whine) and I don't repeat it or take it too seriously.
While I can't control what others say/do, I can certainly speak my peace/mind in a calm manner for the greater good. In the instance of my grandchildren, I've been very clear to both parents that I will do whatever is necessary to protect them and allow them a childhood. I have encouraged both of them to do their venting as necessary to the right resource at the right time. Time will tell. I do know that my son is and has been very critical of me for years to just about anyone who will listen. He blames me and his father for all his issues in life because he's an angry young man with a substance abuse problem. If others choose to judge based on hearsay vs. reality, they're not 'winners' that I'm looking to build a relationship with...
As I've worked recovery, I listen more and also let actions speak for others. I have way too many people in my life who love me today to spend time with those who don't want to. It's a level of peace that freed me from all kinds of guilt I felt for a long while because both of my sons are my qualifiers for Al-Anon. For years, I allowed them and their disease to set the boundaries and parameters for our relationship and Al-Anon set me free. Now, it is what it is and I live my life and spend time with them when it makes sense. I love my family dearly but had to clearly define what grandma meant....as there was an expectation of a free day-care provider when they could not plan properly.
There is nothing you can do about another's words, actions or deeds. I still cringe at times, but then remind myself that it's about them and not me and I just do the best I can to not react to it and also to be consistent. It's hard but I do believe that in the end, when I am true to my character and my spiritual program, it will be OK.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
i always learn something when others share their ESH.
Both my son & his x are untreated Alanon. My husband quit drinking when our son was 12 & our ex daughter-in-law's father has been an alcoholic all her life & still drinks today.
Our son doesn't always treat us well either; he doesn't say out right, but I believe he blames us for his life not turning out as he had planned. But I will say he does show his kids a lot of love & tries to do the best he can for them. And I am proud of him for that.
We too have been evaluating our roles as grandparents. We have been chauffeurs deluxe the last few years & we are stepping back when the school year is over. We feel we raised our kids & they need to figure out what they need to do to get their kids from point A-B from now on. We don't mind helping occasionally, but not all the time ( for their poor planning, as IAmHere said)
My son does not drink, but I did when he was growing up. I am trying very hard to not feel guilty anymore, it was a longtime ago. It is very hard to not buy things for my grandson when I see he needs something. That is sometimes my own problem. He will get by, he is loved very much.
The best step I made was embracing Al-Anon as best I could. It taught me that taking care of me, putting me first, setting boundaries and detaching from other people's reactions were healthy in all my affairs (beyond my qualifiers). It really has helped me pause often and long enough to just consider if what is going on is healthy and what seems logical based on a spiritual path/journey.
We live and we learn. (((Hugs))) to all - it's a great topic!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
