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I found out that my fiance relapsed last month and dabbled with percoset he said he was done the last time he did it and he was glad I found out. He has been clean for almost 5 years. We have a wedding planned in 4 months. When. I met him he was 6 months clean. I've been to meetings with him over the last 5 years and I just never thought it would happen.. he seemed so past it.. I found out the truth that it was only last month never before that. It wasn't every day use or even every other day. I don't think he got to the point of physical addiction yet. But obviously the mental fixation is still there. I've lost all trust in him and it's hard to get back in 4 months before the wedding. Do I postpone it? I am so angry at him and myself for not noticing. One of our "friends" who's in our wedding party sold them to him. I don't know who to trust or believe or turn to which has brought me here. Does anyone have some relief for me or what I should do or the steps I should take.. He is the love of my life my person I don't want to leave him I thought he had a better handle on things. Thank you
Bodhismom - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Addiction and alcoholism are progressive diseases that are never cured. One has a chance of sobriety if they are working on their recovery - yet there are no guarantees...
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are for friends/family affected by this disease in others. We work the same 12 Steps to heal/deal with the disease. Each person is usually affected and it's hard to know how much unless/until we look at ourselves. I do encourage you to find some meetings and attend - you will find others who understand and can help with where you are.
Please keep coming back here too - there is hope/help in recovery. You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Bodhismom,
It is not hard to get back addicted to any substance if you have a supply. It is nearly impossible to get everyone on board to not give someone pills or alcohol, unless they have been effected by that person like a family member. I agree with Iamhere that these are lifetime diseases that do not go away. I hope you find a meeting, glad you are here, and come back.
Thank you guys it's just a tough time I know there's no cure but I never knew him using I feel like I'm about to marry a stranger... I don't know where the line of support I can give him and still be taking care of my feelings
One of the Al-Anon sayings is "When in doubt, don't," and that would be something to consider here. I think all of us who ended up marrying an addict wish we had put the brakes on before we were so deeply into things. And bringing a child into a marriage with an addict - well, there is every sort of pain and grief possible. I am sure your head is reeling from this development. No one who understands addiction would blame you if you pushed the 'Pause' button while you take time to figure things out.
Knowing what I know now, after marrying an alcoholic who I thought was in recovery, I personally, just for myself, would not marry any addict who did not have years of sobriety under his belt. Actually, I personally (not speaking for anyone else) would not marry any addict, no matter how long they had been in recovery, because I need to protect my own recovery from codependence and unhealthy patterns, and I fear that if they fell back into their addiction, I could not rely on myself to do what was necessary to protect myself with as much speed and care as I would need. However, you are early in this and you have not been through the whole wringer of codependency that some of us sank into like quicksand. So I hope you will take very good care of yourself. Al-Anon meetings are a great place to start.
You have a very long life ahead of you and it is your decision how you want to live it. We are not to give advice but you should listen to those who have lived your reality. A postponed wedding now may save a lifetime of pain . And the fact that he has relapsed ,if only a little, is deeply worrying.
Mattie - Being someone who married a "normie" but found myself dealing with a husband addicted to meth years and years later, recovered, and then 6 years after recovery has become an alcoholic... I would never marry someone who has been affected directly by addiction. But, your emotions are firing on all cylinders right now, so perhaps a PAUSE is in order. You can always set another date, but a divorce is so hard!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
We each walk a path that appears to be 'best' at the time. It's easy to look back and say "Wish I had known....." when in fact we don't know. I believe that we only see/know in others what they choose to reveal and sometimes, what is not revealed is not yet known.
I met and married someone in recovery. We both had extensive time in recovery when we married. We were both committed to recovery, meetings, sponsor, steps, etc. Within 3 years of our marriage, he relapsed, never to make it back to recovery. Who could have or would have projected that?
Because of recovery, I am wiser than before and can live my life in peace with joy in spite of what others are doing. It's not the path I would have chosen - I'd have preferred the fairy-tale marriage with the perpetual doting husband who never makes mistakes. Yet, that's unrealistic - with or without this disease.
I am a huge believer in, "When in doubt, don't." When I learned this, just for today was added to the end of it. Those with more recovery suggested I leave my judgments behind, and keep my ears, heart and mind open. Hard to do at times, but possible when we work this recovery program.
I am one who does not wish I had put the brakes on my life, relationship and marriage. We have 2 sons, a good home, a comfortable life, 2 grand-children and I would not change a single thing. It's not been an easy journey, but I don't know any marriage that is. The program does give us each the gift of choice. We do the best we can with what we have and what we know. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you have the right to make any decision you choose whenever you do so. Recovery will help you with the question of 'what is support' vs. 'what is denial/enabling'....
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Bodhismom))) sorry to hear of this pain you're in. i can relate. my ESH... when i found out my fiancé relapsed (i met him sober and actively involved with AA and never knew him to drink), i postponed. we didn't already have a plan set, we were just at the beginning and i wasn't in a hurry. i ran to my first meeting and put planning on hold because i didn't feel like i knew what i was doing or what i was facing. it's now 2.5 years later and i've seen him through the most difficult years i've ever had in a relationship. i feel like i couldn't be more committed even if we were married... but we're not married. i think if i had gotten married and THEN experienced the nosedive, i would have been even more devastated. i have considered leaving out of exhaustion and disappointment with the length of time it's taken him to get healthier. but we're still together, we love each other, and it's taken him over 3 years of relapse to recommit to changing his life. what it's meant for me is loads of confusion. i'm still learning and consider myself a newcomer in this program. it took me a while to commit mySELF to al-anon. i can say now i think it's tremendously helpful in many ways and it's been great to meet people who have been through similar challenges. i was angry at myself for not noticing also... actually, i noticed things but i took his word over my own perception... so i totally understand the anger, but also please know that our loved ones are addicts who are absolutely masterful at deception. it's the disease perpetuating itself. for that we cannot blame ourselves.... sending you hugs.
