Back to work and my daughter - Al-Anon Family Group

VickiR · Veteran Member

Back to work and my daughter

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Big hugs Vicky.. I hope what you discover is happy mom .. Happy child. In the meantime sending you lots of extra reassurance it will be ok. S :)

shrnp · Senior Member

I am sorry you are feeling this way. You sound like such a great mom. There are a lot of non-alcoholic parents that do not pay attention to their children. Try to stay positive and take care of yourself.

VickiR · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone - I am lucky that my dad was an incredible and focused parent when my mum was an active alcoholic as a kid. He made everything so much better for us and we all loved him so much for it. Although I see myself repeating the role of carrying everything myself. My AH was out til nearly 5am Friday, lost his cell phone, and spent most of the day in bed before I went to work. I worked til 11 last night and he is back in bed today because HE is so tired. He called my MIL to take my daughter yesterday afternoon while he slept all afternoon as well. Glad my daughter got out and had a fun day, that is what matters, but my MIL is a piece of work and not someone you want to count on too much. I have been just leaving my AH to sleep all day on weekends, I used to waste my energy trying to force him to get up and do his part etc. I am a bit more tired now but it's easier than trying to beg for him to spend time with me or be an active parent - and it's more peaceful.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

He's going to do what he's going to do .. it really is about what you are going to do and what is in your best interests .. I find when I act accordingly it winds up being in all of our best interests even the XAH.

Hugs .. hang in there.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you have some back-up care for your daughter... Just my experience: when I left our toddler with my husband (who I thought was in recovery from alcoholism, but little did I know that he was still drinking secretly), I found that he had been neglecting our toddler, even with the best of intentions. He'd leave our kid alone in the house while he went out to get booze. When I came home one day to find him passed out and our kid in a situation where he could have easily fallen from an upper-story window and died - well, that was the wake-up call for me. I split up with him after that, because the scales had finally fallen from my eyes. But before he moved out, after that, I pretended I was a single parent (which effectively I was) and never left him alone to take care of our kid. Please do take good care of you and your precious little one.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

This is how I lived also. Taking on everything and it enabled the unacceptable irresponsible behaviour to thrive. Just because he is an alcoholic it's no excuse for him taking no responsibility for his daughter or his relationship. You don't have to run yourself in to the ground for this guy. You and your daughter deserve much more respect. I suggest working alanon like your life depended on it and you won't put up with this for long and I'm not saying you will leave or not but you will know your worth and you will have tools to make lasting changes. Alanon tells us we should never suffer at the hands of someone else's illness.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

VickiR wrote:
Feeling a lot of worry and sadness tonight. I work in the wedding industry and tomorrow marks the beginning of a busy work season for me for the next few months. AH is out at some bar at the moment and I am feeling such dread for tomorrow. All winter/spring when he doesn't wake up or help on the weekends I just looked after our 2.5 yr old daughter normally and went about our lives. Now I feel such dread, he is such a lousy father when he is hungover. Lazy, falling asleep, tv all day kind of dad. Makes me sad for my daughter bcs she is a really energetic and engaged kid and she is very attached to me. I know she will be ok, a day of boredom or lack lustre parenting here and there won't damage her, but I still feel such guilt. I just want the best for her and she deserves better. Thanks for listening.

So, he is going to do what he is going to do. If you are, stop trying to fix it, change him, get him to stop, etc. If you are not doing any of that, then good for you. Great for you. So, just because he is going to do what he's going to do...that doesn't mean you have to do nothing. YOU do NOT have to accept UNACCEPTABLE behavior. What do you want to do, for you, for your daughter? Start looking at making changes IN you and FOR you. And your daughter as well. It is not about "she'll be fine even with a day or two here and there" -- let that manifest and that's denial, accepting unacceptable behavior, etc.

Find a sponsor, and start focusing on you. Do the work, and you, your life will get better! After you start doing the work, you can get to a place where you can decide whether or not this is the way you want to live your life.

Keep coming back.

VickiR · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone - VERY helpful advice. I have stopped trying to control him for a while, which feels great. I am feeling good that I am feeling more sane and confident about my boundaries. Amazing how it is happening organically. My daughter is the most important thing and I will make some changes if he can't be trusted to look after her properly. Thanks for the reassurance that I can take more action and that has nothing to do with him. Helpful I recently told my parents our situation - I feel like I can ask them for help more easily.

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