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I did it again.. I went back to my addict ex expecting a different outcome. Things were great for four months and BOOM, he exploded over nothing and blamed it all on me. What is wrong with me continually returning to the scene of the crime?
I did it again too. Don't beat yourself up. I've done it over and over for a year and a half. I think I've finally found my footing to stay away. I'm sure, we wanted our ex's to end up the same way. Seeing the light, not wanting to loose everything and everyone (including us), and wanting to change. I heard that song so many times. I seriously started thinking I was addicted to my ex. I wanted so much for it to work, we've invested so much time. Now I'm sitting here trying to make myself believe it wasn't just me. I didn't make him drink, I didn't make him get his 7,8, or 9th DUI, I didn't make him cheat. That was actually pushed me over the edge. I had enough. I guess we've all got to get to that point. The question is where is it? I guess we can only answer that for ourselves. I definitely don't judge. I hope that you are doing ok. Be strong. You are definitely not alone.
Thanks for the support. I feel the same about about being addicted to him. I think he actually wanted it that way, he made sure I spent every moment of my free time with him. Whenever I wanted to spend time with friends he would either give me a hard time about it or show up where we were.
He's never cheated, he just has a very fragile ego and an innocent comment is taken as a direct insult to his ego and he goes off on a verbally abusive tirade. I can't believe any human being can speak to another that way, especially one they profess to love.
I have forgiven him SOOOO many times, I held my ground this time and wanted him to admit he was 100% wrong and he just continued with the abuse and the blame so I continued to hold my ground and now I'm the toxic one again. He always starts a smear campaign and tells everyone how "crazy" I am!! That's the hardest part. I really do think people know it's not me and I'm certainly not going to reach out and tell them the truth but I just want him to acknowledge that it's not me and it IS HIM. All of his past relationships have ended up the same way and he still won't take responsibility for it and blames me (and them) entirely.
I didn't do anything to provoke him, of course I didn't do anything the 20 times prior either. We've been doing this back and forth thing for 2 1/2 years. I really have to try hard to stay away from him this time. GIVE ME STRENGTH!!
Thanks for the support. I feel the same about about being addicted to him. I think he actually wanted it that way, he made sure I spent every moment of my free time with him. Whenever I wanted to spend time with friends he would either give me a hard time about it or show up where we were. He's never cheated, he just has a very fragile ego and an innocent comment is taken as a direct insult to his ego and he goes off on a verbally abusive tirade. I can't believe any human being can speak to another that way, especially one they profess to love.
I have forgiven him SOOOO many times, I held my ground this time and wanted him to admit he was 100% wrong and he just continued with the abuse and the blame so I continued to hold my ground and now I'm the toxic one again. He always starts a smear campaign and tells everyone how "crazy" I am!! That's the hardest part. I really do think people know it's not me and I'm certainly not going to reach out and tell them the truth but I just want him to acknowledge that it's not me and it IS HIM. All of his past relationships have ended up the same way and he still won't take responsibility for it and blames me (and them) entirely.
I didn't do anything to provoke him, of course I didn't do anything the 20 times prior either. We've been doing this back and forth thing for 2 1/2 years. I really have to try hard to stay away from him this time. GIVE ME STRENGTH!!
Nothing worse than them and the smearing campaign. One time my ex posted on FB I was bipolar! REALLY? You're carrying on with these women on FB and I'm bipolar? I don't think he would know the truth if it smacked him in the face. Just two days before he was professing how he loved me, the next day he's making future plans with someone on FB.
I don't know how they can live with that much drama in their lives.
Whenever I ask him about any of his past relationships he gets tense and defensive. But he sure can rip into his ex, and he NEVER has anything nice to say about her. My thought is he's probably still in love with her, so better to hate her (or pretend), than to admit it.
I hope you can find your strength to stay clear. I'm trying to find mine too.
Oh yeah, all my ex's ex wives (three) and ex girlfriends (many) are all "crazy" "psycho" and "toxin" He's describing himself. He is so out of touch with reality it's really very scary. I have great support from friends who continually tell me it's not me, it's him and I need to keep that in mind.
I need to get some insight into why I keep going back to a toxic person and expecting a better outcome. ugh!!
I have been in a relationship like this, I think we were talking about this earlier. It is a codependency, and I believe that because I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father I wanted to fix everyone. I was actually just letting someone abuse me by treating me as if I did not count, that I was not important. The only person in one of these relationships that counts in the addict or alcoholic. Eventually, I became sick and had very low self-esteem. That is why people in Alanon talk about their recovery, placing the importance on us getting healthy and not the alcoholic. My A ex-bf use to get on online dating site when we were together, and I would make fake profiles trying to catch him. I am embarrassed that I did things like that, but it shows how much I was sick and needed to change. I prayed to God to make me not attracted to him. I was not very religious at the time but I closed my eyes and held my hands together and prayed. I wanted so bad to not be that person, because that was not a complete life. It has taken me a few years to becomes healthy but, I did it, and so can you, if that is what you choose to do. I wish, I had become involved in Alanon sooner, it has really helped me.
-- Edited by shrnp on Thursday 4th of May 2017 09:42:37 PM
Thanks for the inspiring words Sharon, I am definitely a codependent. Not sure why, neither of my parents were drinkers or abusive in any way but it came from something in my childhood for sure. My Dad loved us and did the best he knew how but when he did something wrong or he didn't like he would call us "stupid" so maybe that stuck. I definitely have low self esteem even though everyone tells me what a wonder person I am (people pleaser). I know i need to work on me and not focus on him and that is my plan starting right now!
What is weird is that I was not like that until I met my ex-bf, even my son said that I had changed. It is a tricky situation one minute your in love and everything is great and then the next minute everything is turned upside down and a mess.
It's interesting that shrnp made the comment about the dating sites and creating a profile, because I did the exact same thing. Yes, that's how sick I became. And even that wasn't enough for me to pull away. I'm not sure why this time is different, but I feel completely disgusted with him. I can't explain it. I won't say that I will never have moments of weakness, but I'm trying my hardest to move in a positive direction. My Mother was an alcoholic, she went to rehab my senior year of high school, my father wasn't around and when he was he didn't pay much attention. I know I long for someone to make me a priority. His priority was his drink. He he didn't like to be questioned, but when he needed help 2a, 3a everyone should drop what they are doing to run to his aid. Now he will have to find someone else to ride that roller coaster. I've had enough.
SO much of what the world teaches us as we're growing up turns out to be the exact opposite of what we should do when we are tied up with an alcoholic or addict - in my case, it's my son, but it's similar to situations with spouses, in that we wanna help them ("helping is the sunny side of control"), and their twisted sickness is happy to let us do for them what they should do for themselves, and so begins the dance - we feed off each other.
We wonder how anyone could "want to live like that" or "do something like that to someone who loves them" or not understand about simple things like paying the bills and getting to work on time - but these folks are different, and in getting tied up with them, we get sick, too - we start doing things that we never would have done - and thus Al Anon's focus on us, not the alcoholic - we can't get them better (took me a L-O-N-G time to get that one), so we work on getting us better. As it is with the alcoholic, it's an insidious disease with us, too, and we say and do things we never thought we'd do - we have to take the time to unlearn those behaviors - it takes some of us a while, but there's hope.
Don't be too hard on yourself for "doing it again" - if I had a nickel for each time I slipped I'd have a big sack of nickels - I suspect that it's the same for many here - but we do the best we can - we learn new ways of doing things and we try to do better - for TODAY, not the rest of our lives.
Make a living amends to yourself by learning from past mistakes and doing things better going forward - progress, not perfection!
I did it again.. I went back to my addict ex expecting a different outcome. Things were great for four months and BOOM, he exploded over nothing and blamed it all on me. What is wrong with me continually returning to the scene of the crime?
Why do we keep shopping for bread in a hardware store? I can type for hours and hours...however, ironically, and all of the answers, theories, and conclusions, don't always appear. When they do, often they are not simple. Often there is a blind-spot, where we can't connect the dots so to speak. This is where we have to take a very long, very hard, and very honest look at ourselves. We have to do that with an laser-precision focus and clarity, with an intensity of truth and incredible desire to get better, and we have to do all of this with someone else -- for objectivity, accountability, and for what we can't see, learn, understand, etc., for ourselves. When we arrive at "the answer" so to speak -- it is very counter-intuitive, very enigmatic...
So, why do we keep going back? Because...we want to. Think about it.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Human optimism is powerful, but sometimes it can turn into denial.
I kept returning to my A too, each time convinced that things had changed and I could handle everything and it would be okay this time. I'm not delighted I returned all those times, but it does give me insight into the power of his addiction. When I look at him, I think, "Why does he keep drinking? How can he think it will be okay, after everything that's happened to him because of alcohol? Why does he think it will be okay?" Then I realize that those are exactly the thoughts I have about him. Remembering all the good stuff and forgetting the bad stuff. Being away for a while and having that yearning. The reasons he went back to drink are the same reasons I went back to him. So I try to tell myself, "Sure, it looks like a good idea. The addict always thinks that. But a part of me knows better."
You hit it on the head Mattie, we are addicted to the addict, just like he's addicted to his drug of choice. And I think we all have done the fake online dating profile, craziness, Mine is very sweet as long as i do and say exactly what he wants but once I express my own opinion or try to be independent from him the verbal abuse is inhumane. The things he has said to me and the names he has called are inconcievable. How can someone profess to love you and say those things to you. And yes, when we miss them we think of the good time. I keep thinking if I just love him and support him, he will stop. Or I can somehow "help" or "fix" him. Crazy thinking. My plan is when I miss him I just re-read all the horrible emails and that will remind me that I need to stay away. The good times were great but the bad times outweigh the good ones at this point. Actually they always did but I really think with support I can stay away this time.
You hit it on the head Mattie, we are addicted to the addict, just like he's addicted to his drug of choice. And I think we all have done the fake online dating profile, craziness, Mine is very sweet as long as i do and say exactly what he wants but once I express my own opinion or try to be independent from him the verbal abuse is inhumane. The things he has said to me and the names he has called are inconcievable. How can someone profess to love you and say those things to you. And yes, when we miss them we think of the good time. I keep thinking if I just love him and support him, he will stop. Or I can somehow "help" or "fix" him. Crazy thinking. My plan is when I miss him I just re-read all the horrible emails and that will remind me that I need to stay away. The good times were great but the bad times outweigh the good ones at this point. Actually they always did but I really think with support I can stay away this time.
Hello Sus,
I think we have the same game plan in mind. When I start to miss him I go back to the screen shots I did of the conversations with these women. THAT is the person he is, NOT the person he claims to be. He only has one true love...and her name is VODKA. I too thought if I just supported him, and stood by him he would realize that he doesn't have to go at it alone. Now, I'm convinced that he does have to go at it alone. And I too have to stay away from this tornado.
Human optimism is powerful, but sometimes it can turn into denial.
I kept returning to my A too, each time convinced that things had changed and I could handle everything and it would be okay this time. I'm not delighted I returned all those times, but it does give me insight into the power of his addiction. When I look at him, I think, "Why does he keep drinking? How can he think it will be okay, after everything that's happened to him because of alcohol? Why does he think it will be okay?" Then I realize that those are exactly the thoughts I have about him. Remembering all the good stuff and forgetting the bad stuff. Being away for a while and having that yearning. The reasons he went back to drink are the same reasons I went back to him. So I try to tell myself, "Sure, it looks like a good idea. The addict always thinks that. But a part of me knows better."
Mattie,
You are absolutely right. The way they are addicted to the alcohol is the same way we are addicted to them. Thank you for that insight. It really opened my eyes.
This is where I have to look at my involvement in the craziness .. reality is if my expectation is my XAH is going to be different given the same circumstances .. who is he showing me he is today?
I did go back to the old texts/emails and so on to remind myself of the insanity that was there and I have a timeline as well which has helped me a great deal not to live in the past however to process past the past .. when I expect that something is going to light his a$$ on fire and make him see the light the reality is "I" am the one who is not in the right frame of mind. It's all on me.
I've shared this before .. when we split I decided I wanted to see what was out there .. online .. LOL. Umm .. LOL .. within 24 hours I was matched with my XAH .. I threw up a little in my mouth .. after reading his profile in while he disclosed he was making a WHOLE lot more money than he reported to the courts AND he spent ALL of his time with his children that he could (at this point months would go by before he would see them .. oi) .. THEN he went on trying to be funny and basically talked about how he had all his teeth, his license (umm .. ok for how long this time?) and a truck (this would be the whiskey truck .. LOL). After my eyeballs were done rolling in my head and he proceeded to block me .. LOL!! I never discussed the matching that happened so as far as he knows I don't know .. LOL. I'll save it for another time .. LOL. I decided I would up my alanon meetings and remain single as well as move out of state .. that's worked for me.
So please know when nothing changes .. NOTHING CHANGES .. his currently wife this would be #3 I have a feeling is coming to the end of her rope with the situation after all I'm the best XW ever .. this woman thinks I am horrible because I do hold him accountable financially and we have spent a LOT of time in court .. LOL. Oh well .. not my problem .. and I will never understand people who get into a situation where there are minor children involved and be shocked that the X is required to participate financially .. my kids do not see their dad still I hold him accountable for that part of the deal.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
This is where I have to look at my involvement in the craziness .. reality is if my expectation is my XAH is going to be different given the same circumstances .. who is he showing me he is today?
I did go back to the old texts/emails and so on to remind myself of the insanity that was there and I have a timeline as well which has helped me a great deal not to live in the past however to process past the past .. when I expect that something is going to light his a$$ on fire and make him see the light the reality is "I" am the one who is not in the right frame of mind. It's all on me.
I've shared this before .. when we split I decided I wanted to see what was out there .. online .. LOL. Umm .. LOL .. within 24 hours I was matched with my XAH .. I threw up a little in my mouth .. after reading his profile in while he disclosed he was making a WHOLE lot more money than he reported to the courts AND he spent ALL of his time with his children that he could (at this point months would go by before he would see them .. oi) .. THEN he went on trying to be funny and basically talked about how he had all his teeth, his license (umm .. ok for how long this time?) and a truck (this would be the whiskey truck .. LOL). After my eyeballs were done rolling in my head and he proceeded to block me .. LOL!! I never discussed the matching that happened so as far as he knows I don't know .. LOL. I'll save it for another time .. LOL. I decided I would up my alanon meetings and remain single as well as move out of state .. that's worked for me.
So please know when nothing changes .. NOTHING CHANGES .. his currently wife this would be #3 I have a feeling is coming to the end of her rope with the situation after all I'm the best XW ever .. this woman thinks I am horrible because I do hold him accountable financially and we have spent a LOT of time in court .. LOL. Oh well .. not my problem .. and I will never understand people who get into a situation where there are minor children involved and be shocked that the X is required to participate financially .. my kids do not see their dad still I hold him accountable for that part of the deal.
Hugs S :)
There it is!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting those magic words. It is in those words that we will find what we want and need. Thank you.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I've got some great motivating emails from him. Last night he sent me one saying I should commit suicide. Can you imagine the arrogance? As if that would ever be an option for me. And certainly not over him. That's just a small sampling of his cruelty. I did not and will not reply. In fact my friends and I got s chuckle out of it after the horror subsided
I've got some great motivating emails from him. Last night he sent me one saying I should commit suicide. Can you imagine the arrogance? As if that would ever be an option for me. And certainly not over him. That's just a small sampling of his cruelty. I did not and will not reply. In fact my friends and I got s chuckle out of it after the horror subsided
Wow Sus,
Leaving him was probably the best thing you could do for yourself and you sanity. How unbelievably cruel, but again that is the mind of an alcoholic. Selfish and self centered. I'm sorry you had to go through that! How heartbreaking. I'm glad you were able to see the humor in his insanity. :)
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Friday 5th of May 2017 11:36:22 AM
Wow.. I'm constantly told I'm crazy, psychotic, toxic etc too!! But yet, I'm a homebody most times unless he's not working nights.
Like you all, I too get all my eggs lined up but fall back in. Always at the moment I was just getting strong enough. Like you say in other words, a gluten for punishment. Hoping hell change, stop, but rock bottom etc.
I'm brand new here and hoping that between this board and starting al anon meetings I can rebuild the person I was.
It's insane the way they behave. Mine can't remember much I say and the smallest thing he turns into a war. Constantly asking me to explain why I said this or asked that.
Much bigger issues at hand. I think they turn narcissist.
I do not have one single person to turn to. I uprooted and isolated myself because he made me feel something is wrong with me.
Obviously none of us are truly alone dealing with this even in our loneliest, worst moments.
Stay strong, I do baby steps everyday. Forward and back!
HI Momto3, yes agreed I think the narcissism comes out when they are using/drinking. But we need to focus on ourselves and know that we are NOT the problem and there is nothing we can do to convince them of that. Mine too turns an innocent comment into a war. At first I was so confused, thinking what did I do wrong? Then each time it happened I realized it was not me. He had brief moments of insight where he knew it was all him but those moments didn't last long and pretty soon it was all my fault again. Then the barrage of cruel inhumane emails calling me every name you can imagine. His words intending to be deeply hurtful. If I ignore him, then "I don't care." If I respond then "I'm angry." I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. And I think I've finally realized that will NEVER change and I need to stay far far away. Hang in there!
