The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been lurking around here for a month or so, and have gained so much comfort and peace from just checking in every few days and reading all the feedback & shares......
I've also been to a F2F meeting every week for a month now and wow - what a difference. I'm not sure what it is exactly (and would much appreciate a scientific answer), but it is nothing short of miraculous.
I've thought about posting here numerous times, but didn't have a specific intention in mind so I didn't. I've found myself with a pretty nagging question though, and I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience that I might learn from.
My AH and I married months after I graduated from HS and started our family right away. His alcoholism has been going on for a couple of years, but he's not an "angry" drunk and he worked away from home until several months ago so it was easy to ignore.....I didn't realize it was an issue until December.
We've had several conversations in that last several months and I made it really clear that I wouldn't be married to an alcoholic. Not because I "can't" but because I don't want to. He very much looks at this boundary as me "giving up on him" - which I can accept and detach from. He's going to think what he's going to think and do what he's going to do and I have to make my own decisions regardless. I spent the entire month of March crying everyday, suffering from extreme anxiety (which isn't typically an issue for me), and was really just plain miserable and emotionally not as available for my kids as I'd like to be.
My therapist and I have been working through some co-dependency issues and I've been able to detach enough to focus on my next task, get my work done, and stay pretty steady for my kids (who all know what's going on because they're not babies and also because they're pretty smart & self-aware.)
My question is this: Through this experience I've realized that this is a relationship I'm not really happy in - drinking aside. He's grumpy and negative and unstable and so many things that I've spent a great deal of effort and time working to NOT be. We have very little in common, we don't share political views, we value totally different things (ie I enjoy yoga & running and he enjoys drinking & smoking), I don't necessarily enjoy our conversations, and this isn't someone I would choose as a partner now. (It sounds HORRIBLE reading it back, but it is what it is.)
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Where the alcoholism made them confront other issues in the relationship they had been ignoring? I'm really struggling with the "fairness" of him quitting drinking and then still making the decision to separate - even though I've told him all along that this is about more than the drinking - I want him to get help (therapy, AA, anything). He's been sober for 4 days - and while I'm still highly skeptical that it's going to stick this time - I find myself not getting back on the roller coaster, and still contemplating making a really tough decision regarding our future together.
The ONE thing that would've kept me from ever leaving (or asking him to leave) was my kids - and at this point, they've already processed and accepted the possibility of separation. I'm not sure what else there is.......
I'd appreciate any shared experience, insight, & thoughts. (I'm thankful for this site - and for the wisdom I've already gained from you all.)
Welcome Habari! I can relate to your story on so many levels. I, too, considered leaving my AH because he was a grumpy, selfish, generally negative human being. We did separate for a few months during which he drank even more excessively than before. The physical separation gave me room to breathe and start to figure out who I was again and to see where this disease has affected me and the children. I also had some time to reflect on why I had married him to start with. I went through some old cards and notes, looked at old photos and remembered the man I fell in love with 23 years ago. My AH also had time to drink all he wanted and almost killed himself doing it. He finally hit his "bottom" and sought an AA group. Not to keep me, not to get to come home, for himself. He decided that he didn't want to die an alcoholic death in a cheap motel. While things are certainly not perfect all of the time now, we both have a program of recovery. We are both setting boundaries, learning how to communicate, and working the steps in order to become better. There is hope whether or not the drinking stops. You can find your own peace and serenity in the steps. Keep coming back!
Welcome Habari Glad that you have found alanon meetings, and experienced the difference in your everyday life.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that affects each person in the relationship physically, emotionally and spiritually. Pursuing recovery requires that each attempts to address the underlying emotional issues.
Al-Anon does not give advice or do we suggest making any major changes for the first year in program. There are many reasons for this mostly because as we attend meetings we begin to realize that we too require adjustments to our attitudes, expectations and responses.
It is suggested that we keep an open mind, attend meetings, keep the focus on ourselves and we will receive more clarity as to the next right action.
I hope you will keep coming back because it makes a difference.
YES .. I found that the issue of drinking was the tip of the iceberg there is always more to be seen and learned specifically about oneself.
Alanon is a great place to heal and find out exactly what you want for me I was no different than the A in my life because I was emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt for different reasons .. I gave and gave while I had nothing left in my own tank to give out. This is where I have learned to heal and what I do as well as don't want.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I too send warm welcomes to you. Glad you found us and joined right in! All I know is that the more I got to know me, the more I became aware of my wants/needs/likes/dislikes. At the same time, I became more patient, tolerant, accepting of imperfections in myself and others. Al-Anon helped me embrace what matters, one day at a time and to trust in a process and program that helps me find the joy in my life each day no matter what else is happening around me...
Keep coming back!! I too found my healing in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
