The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi there. I'm a first time poster. I have been to 2 Al-Anon meetings, one of which was very small, 3 people, myself, and a close friend that has been in AA for 4 years. The second meeting was about 40 people and felt very rushed with people not respecting the speakers as they were given their limited time of 3 minutes. I cried through the entire first meeting and said nothing besides my name when we all introduced ourselves. They were a very welcoming small group and I plan on going back. I began looking on this messageboard before attending that meeting because I needed to solidify that this was what I needed, but only joined today. You all seem so open and welcoming and I hope to feel the same after posting this, so thank you to anyone that reads or responds. I should start by saying that I am straight edge, and have never had a substance abuse issue, myself. I grew up with an alcoholic stepmother that was sent to rehab when I was in my teens. I swore up and down that I would never date an addict... cut to.. current day me. I'm a 34 year old woman that thought I had my s**t together with this dude.. until his disease really started to show. My alcoholic boyfriend has become emotionally (absolutely never physically) abusive as his disease has been progressing. I have been as open as I feel that I can be about how upset it makes me to watch him and he just comes up with excuses for everything. I keep count of his drinks and he tries to tell me its one or two.. when its a bottle of whiskey. He admits that he has an issue and will stop for a day or 2, then go right back in. Its gotten worse in the last 6 months and watching him kills me. I can't keep this up, but like many others, I do feel trapped. I'm invested in the relationship.. but how much longer can I go on feeling this way? Why do he and his disease always get to win? It keeps me up at night worrying about him and me and this. I can't continue to feel miserable but I'm stuck in the cycle of trying to help him. I know that I have no control over his actions, but I've made myself part of his cycle just by default. On his good days, I remember what it is that I love about him... but the bads... are terrible. I find that I feel embarrassed that I've gotten myself into this. I know that I'm not alone in this, its just really hard to say this to anyone besides close friends and family members in person. He's admitted to needing help, but has made little to no effort. We emailed a few therapists about a year ago and when he found out that his insurance wouldn't cover it, it deterred him. I've offered to go to AA with him and was immediately turned down. I feel like I'm just losing hope entirely. These are all things that I couldn't bring myself to voice in the meetings and I appreciate any time that you all have spent reading. I hope to one day be able to speak in a meeting.. but I'm just not ready yet. Thank you. <3
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 4th of May 2017 06:10:09 AM
Hugs (((((losinghopeny))))). My heart goes out to you... Welcome to the board, it's great that you are reaching out. My abf (alcoholic boyfriend) is also emotionally abusive when drinking, which is all the time at the moment. I was so beaten down by all this, anxious, this sick feeling in my stomach constantly, crying nearly every day. It was terrible. But I left for a week or so (couldn't stand being at home), which helped greatly to clear my head and finally understand what Alanon has been trying to teach me about detachment - when I decided to come back home and stay, it was knowing that I would be ok no matter what was happening to my bf, and also that there is always a real possibility that I would have to leave him for good, if my new-found serenity or health was at stake. We're still together, but I have finally managed to hop off his crazy train, for the most part, although of course all the drinking still affects me in some ways.
Keep coming back to the meetings and here to the board, try to focus on yourself and know that you are not alone.
Welcomelosinghopeny Thank you for sharing your experiences with MIP. members. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless. Many of us have tried desperately to have a loved one see the dangers of the disease, within themselves but have been unsuccessful. I am pleased that you reached out for help. It is importnt to our own recovery to recognize that by interacting with the insanity of alcoholism, we too develop negative coping tools for which we need a program of recovery. Glad you found alanon meetings and attended I attended meetings for a year before speaking - so please know you are not alone.
It is suggested that you try at least 6 different meetings before deciding if alanon is for you. The reason for this is because meetings differ and although they all carry the same message and the same literature, the format differ. Usually there is no cross-talk at meetings meaning everyone is given the respect to share without interruptions or comments. I am surprised you found a different format.
There is great literature available as well so please keep coming back . There is hope.
Alanon 's primary aim to for us to learn to keep the focus ourselves, address our own misguided attitudes, learn to live one day at a time without projecting to the future or regretting the past, as we develop a spiritual outlook.
I too send warm welcomes to you also LH....so very sorry for the affects of the disease. The first meeting I went to was similar to the large one you describe. I was overwhelmed and extremely distracted by the large crowd and the way the shares were going. I actually decided (based on one meeting) that I did not need Al-Anon - and went back to trying to fix, control, etc. everything around me....
I visited another meeting at a different time and felt much more connected. I am certain part of it was my own desperation and part of it was the timing as well as the group. It was a good fit for me and I was better able to focus on the messages/shares. It took me a while to open up yet just by being there, I felt a bit of peace and calm.
Keep going until you find 'your tribe'. There is tons of hope and help in recovery and we each are a bit different in what we feel comfortable with. Keep coming back here too - you are not alone.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
