The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading alot about this because it is definitely something I use alot, but I don't want it to be counter-productive (or cruel). When my A has an off color comment I try to smile and keep doing what I'm doing, not grunt and stomp off.
Sometimes it is not that clear cut. She is very angry with me because I have chosen Al-Anon to try and drive the koo-koo's out of my cavesa. She talks of leaving and not being in love with me anymore because I could continue to go to this group even though she is against it.
I find myself being very careful if I say anything at all right now that is not chit chat. There is a pattern that I am trying to avoid. We sit on the porch in the evening and she starts crying... IF I ask what's wrong or what are you thinking she lets me have it.... If I don't, I am not even concearned with her and her feelings. <sigh>
There is little she is saying at all to me these days. When she does it is normally very sarcastic or downright mean. I feel like the foreign waiter in an old movie that no matter what you tell him he just smiles bows and brings you more water. LOL
She is getting irritated that I am not upset all the time. But you know, I have a choice to make for myself concearning weather I get upset just because she is upset. I have chosen not to get upset. Really pisses her off. I am acturally sorry about that. I wish she was open to the idea that happiness is 90% perception of whats going on around you.
Just wanted to put this out there and ask others for thier thoughts.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Your getting better and she isn't. That is not going to make her happy.
In situations like this, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. They want to play the game and it is no fun if you don't play too. Misery loves company. It might sound cliche, but if you don't feed into it, you can't give them a reason to drink. They will find one anyway, but you know you aren't to blame.
Sounds like you are finding some peace, you have made your choices, it is up to her wether she wants to try and find some for herself as well.
No A is going to be happy if their partner starts to get whole. They might have to actually take a good look at themsleves.
You are making great progress and it is not cruel to take care of yourelf.
I have the same situation. His moods are affected by his alcohol. Sometimes he is all over me with love and clingy, and sometimes I am the biggest b*tch on wheels and he wants to kill me. I learned not to play into his moods. I simply ignore him day and night. This doesn't make him happy. But, it makes me happy. In my mind I think of him only as a roommate and I grunt at whatever he says and don't pay any attention. This may seem unkind, but I have to protect myself from his craziness.
Ala-anon teaches us to put the focus on ourselves and to detach. By not playing into her pathos you are doing exactly that. You are working on healing and you should be very proud of yourself.
I try to be quite silent with the A and not involve myself that much in his life. He is like a yo yo up and down all the time and he projects all over me that I am supposed to take care of him. I am not doing that on the same level anymore. He wants all his needs taken care of without asking like a baby.
I used to think I was just here to take care of everyone I was so other centered. If I felt better I immediately thought I did not deserve it. I was so drilled into by my family of origin that I did not deserve and of course I was not loved.
I found that any change that I made didn't make the A happy. It was different, and my A didn't like different. My A wanted to feel comfortable and I was changing the dance we usually had, he didn't know what to do. It seems that he tried harder than ever to get me to "react" and when he was successful, he was pleased. It was what he was use to. Weird huh?
Keep remembering this is about you. The saying Fake it Untill you can Make it works, because eventually you make it and what you are doing isn't so tried. If that makes any sense lol.
For me in many of our Alanon readings it says to say and do nothing. Hard to remember for a control freak like me. It doesn't necessarily go better but I don't tip my hand. I think silence from my A though is very controlling. As others have said damned if you do and damned if you don't; so goes the disease of alcoholism.
Hello rx = husband used to not talk to me for weeks and it drove me bonkers so i would cook his fav food - which he wouldnt eat , ask continuously if i had done something wrong etc . anyway I shared this at a meeting one day and a lady said to me after the meeting have u ever thought of enjoy ing the silence? I said {why no i hadn't " thought she was nuts . anyway she said well think about it if he isn't talking he 's not telling u what a dummy u are ,not complaining about the food or arguing just turn up the musica and dance she said. in other words ignore it. she told me if I did that she would bet it wouldn't last nearly as long.
So when he dosent tlak to today i ask once if i have done something to make him angry if he says no I just leave the mood with him and she was right it dosen't last as long as it used to.
When I talked to my husb about this in sobriety he said my God it was never about u I jsut get depresses soemtimes - go figure and again yu are getting happier she is getting sicker .
Walking one egg shells is a total waste of time if in the mood they will always find something to tick them off nature of the disease.Be yourself and enjoy the day Louise
