The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page provides insight on an important AlAnon tool, detachment. This is not a cold and heartless weapon to be used against someone else, but in fact demonstrates love and respect for them.
The writer notes how intervening and "protecting" from what we fear might be a painful experience can actually be a disservice to them, robbing them of the opportunity to learn valuable lessons or the confidence that comes from finding their own solution. As Mark Twain put it, "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."
It can be extremely painful and difficult to see a loved one suffer or head toward what we feel will be a bad end. On contemplating it, the writer admitted it was their own pain they were trying to ease as they tried to rescue others. Realizing the growth they themselves had made as they learned from their own mistakes, they saw the need to respect that same opportunity for others.
Today's Reminder: "Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is painful for us both. In the long run, both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life."
"All I have to do is keep my hands off and turn my heart on." ...In All Our Affairs
****************
This page was one of the first I read out of courage upon coming into ALAnon, wanting to read more on the topic after receiving and reading the Detachment leaflet at my first face to face meeting...this page changed my life. For the first time, I saw my efforts to "help" my qualifier for what they were: overreaching, unnecessary, unwanted, ineffective, and obstructive to my qualifier's own path to recovery.
It now made sense that my life was unmanageable: I was trying to address my own pain and discomfort by trying to control something in someone else; both were uncontrollable...I was trying to perform emotional ventriloquism. I was bringing a ton of insanity upon myself and the household, and obstructing my qualifier's path to recovery...and I had no clue.
Executing detachment with love is a daily work in progress, but there is no arguing with the positive results even when I only manage partial execution. Using any tool in AlAnon to the best of my ability is so, so much better than anything I came up with on my own. So grateful for the wisdom of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good Morning Paul When I finally grasped the meaning of "detachment" I saw that my "well meaning" interference with another's life was destructive to that persons emotional health and growth I also saw that when I examined my motives, I was acting to ease my pain with little thought of what was best for the other person.
I began to focus on myself, look at my motives, use alnon tools ot ease my fears and anxiety and was then able to easily detach with compassion and love.
Thanks for your service.
I have been working hard on learning the concept of detaching with love, so am excited to read everyone's ESH.
I have had to learn, like Betty said, that my well meaning interference has not helped at all; in fact just the opposite.
My sponsor has always told me to check my motives. When I did that, I could see my main motive was wanting my adult children to do what I felt they should do so I could feel better! Now I am learning to feel the pain and turn it over to God. Somedays I have to turn it over several times that day.
I am really concerned for my son, but I know I am powerless and I have to let things unfold as they will, so he can learn his own lessons.
Thank you for letting me join in; I had a thyroid lobectomy and have not got my voice back yet; may be looking at vocal chord injections. My sponsor has a lot going on in her life right now with her special needs son in the hospital.
Hi Summerlady Thanks for sharing your ESH with us That is how we all grow and learn. Positive thoughts and prayers for your speedy recovery as well as for your son.
Thanks for your post. I have been attending Al Anon meetings for a month and they have helped me tremendously. I'm reading daily and have been working hard on detachment. I've had some success, but recognize this is not a one-time, straight shot thing. This morning I found myself again joining in my AH's negativity and went off to work feeling I have a cloud hanging over my head. I read something in "Courage to Change" about alcoholism being like an avalanche and our choice is to go down with the alcoholic or separate ourselves from it. I'm playing that over and over in my head this morning, hoping that I can self-talk myself into a more peaceful state of mind.
Thanks again for your post. I'm finding strength in hearing about the experiences of people who are on this same path. Peace.
Thanks Paul for the daily and your service. I so agree that my best intentions were not healthy for me, them or anyone!! Detaching gave me my own space, peace of mind and a greater distance between what they were doing and the natural consequences. I did intervene time and again with the best of intentions and that was just a soft landing that kept them further from their bottom.
I was not good at detaching at first. It was uncomfortable as I was so entrenched. Practicing the suggestions, using the slogans and allowing myself to step back helped me find my sanity and then use detachment to show them love in a healthier way.
I do like the quote from In All our Affairs - spot on....great reading today, great shares above me - thanks to one and all for your ESH!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your service Paul. I really love this page as well. I noticed I had it folded over from the last time I read it. I was reflecting on this reading this morning and I also felt like I was trying to avoid my own pain by preventing other people from experiencing the consequences of their actions. I've used detachment many times since starting this program and it is so valuable to me. This morning I was reflecting on a current situation in my life where I should really be detaching. I tend to get in the middle of parenting situations with my AH and my daughter. If I don't feel he's dealing with something well or said something as nicely as he could say it better I get in the middle and "interpret" for both of them. I tell him what I think she is trying to say and I tell her what I think he is trying to say. My AH feels undermined, my daughter gets frustrated with me and I can see I am just trying to control him. If he was doing something to actually cause harm I would intervene but I can see how it is not helpful. Last night when they had a disagreement that had absolutely nothing to do with me I bit my lip and stayed out of it. My AH didn't handle it the way I would have but they eventually sorted it out....without my help. I can see how I have been preventing my AH from developing better parenting skills by trying to control the outcome, soften the disagreement, protect both of them from having an argument. But maybe arguments are what help them develop a better relationship. Maybe my worry over every little thing and trying to protect everyone from every negative consequence is what is holding us all back. So as it says I am working on "keeping my hands off and turning my heart on".
Thank you for ESH's everyone before me and for the daily on detachment Paul. When I think of detachment I remember when my son had a report about China due the next day and he hadn't even started. I started to jump in and show him how to outline points of interest. He seemed perfectly content to let me continue and just sit and watch me do his report. So I told him " this is your report not mine" and left him alone. He stayed up late, was extremely tired the next day and his grade was barely passing. A very simplified example of detachment that I still reminds me to not interfere with something that is the responsibility of another. Much harder to do when the consequences are greater and can be more painful to everyone.
