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Hi - I'm new here. I've lived with an alcoholic for almost 11 years. I've been emotionally and verbally abused - had all of my boundaries knocked down, and am finally understanding that it isn't about me. I think I always knew it wasn't but I was so caught up in it, that I couldn't think clearly.
We are now semi-separate. I say that, because he still keeps me within 'hearing distance'. Yes - I've been an enabler. So much so - that it's almost like he needs me to be there with him when he's planning to have a 'couple' of drinks.
Living separately, I am able to see things clearer and one thing I really pay attention to that I never did so much before is that this man has 2 distinct personalities. One, of course, when he is drunk and one when sober.
The drunk guy has no scruples, boundaries, etc. He loves me 'more than anything in the world' - I am his world. He says things to me that if they were real would make me feel like a million bucks, yet I have to tell myself that they are not real, because I've heard the opposite as well. Of course this brings the demanding pushy side out in him, as well, which sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. When he's drunk he's always looking to meet other women online or by phone and has actually tried to get me to help him do this. Yes - it's been a rough time. I think they are desperate to meet people and have them think they are normal. WE KNOW what they're really all about, so we're more like the enemy in that way. We make them face themselves a little to often for comfort, I suppose.
When he's sober, he hardly says much, except to bark a few orders or get impatient about things. He's actually really boring to be around when he's sober. He becomes a workaholic and everything is about business. He never says anything particularly nice to me and mostly just watches TV if he's not working. He could really care less whether I was around or not.
I wondered if anyone else lives with an alcoholic who is also extremely productive and can work hard. He never misses a day of work. I don't know how he does it, and although I could never complain about the money coming in, he somehow justifies that he CAN be an alcoholic because he does work hard.
No wonder I've been so confused for so long.
My question is, when and if people ever become sober - does their personality integrate and do they retain some of the good things from each personality about themselves? Even though the drunk person is dramatic and exciting to some degree (while being pathetic at the same time), there is something endearing about them, which can keep us enabling, even though we know that's not good. It's the only time when he actually talks feeling talk.
If he were to become permanently the way he is sober, if he were to quit drinking, I would find him to be very boring, disagreeable, demanding and agitated and not fun to be around either. It seems as though that may be why I have enabled.
Either way - this whole experience has taken its toll on me after all these years, and I'm spent. After going through this, I don't even know what a healthy relationship is anymore and don't know if I EVER want to be with anyone again! Is this also a reaction that others have?
Just trying to understand all of this. Any suggestions would be most welcome!
Hi and welcome to the world of confusion and fustration. I was married to a very active alcoholic for 21 years. Except for a brief encounter for him in AA, he was quite active and displayed many of the same perplexing personalities that you have observed in your husband. I have also realized that it wasn't about me, although I did bring my own complications to the situation as well. My alcoholic also was a very good worker up until he had a work related accident, which I believed was helped by the fact that although he wasn't drinking at the time he had been smoking weed. Unfortunately that accident also sent him on a very fast downward spiral that brought him to revert to many old behaviors.
I'm convinced that we will never make complete sense of this disease. But keeping the focus on myself and working my program helps to keep me in a much better frame of mind and allows me the ability to accept those things that I certainly cannot change.
Sounds just like my AH, except I never see the drunk/using side. I just have the pleasure of the dry drunk, boring TV watcher. Sometimes I regret that boundary in a strange way. Although I would never change it. I don't know a personal answer to the personality question but I have had the same feelings about any other relationships.
Never gave it another thought til I got here, but yes, my AW is basically the same. When she is not drinking I think that's all she thinks about... very preoccupied and nonreactive. When she is drinking its not that she is happy necessarilly, but her emotions (whatever they are) are very exagerated. Either very happy, or hysterically upset.
We seperated for a few months 4 years ago and I was beside myself for being a bad husband and she said we never comunicated and that I was boring. I have decoded the message now to mean I didn't want to get drunk with her all the time and when she ranted I didn't participate in it.
I didn't come to Al-Anon until I started "communicating" with her more and found that I didn't know how to communicate with her any more. Nothing I said to her made any sense and she is preoccupied with the idea that I have found someone else and otherwise am the devil! Ha Ha
Keep your chin up. I have only been participating for about 6 weeks and it has helped me alot.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Too hard to figure them out, too hard to know what will happen in the future, or if they sober up. Best just to focus on YOU - got any joy in life? Fulfilling relationships? Meaningful work? Friendship? Laughter? Fun? If not (probably not - we tend to give over our whole lives to the A) work on getting those things for yourself, and let him be for a bit. You can put the time and energy that you use trying to figure him out towards fixing your own life.
Welcome! My A, too, is a hard worker, never misses a day. Yet, our personal lives have become unbearable. He is angry a lot, I am depressed. He drinks every single night starting as soon as he gets home, then the demons come out. I can identify with the two personalities thing you mentioned. With my A, his looks, actions, accent, everything changes. It is very weird. After a few drinks I don't even know the man who is standing in front of me. I miss the "good" man. I only see him a few minutes a day, if then.
Glad you are here. I am fairly new too, but this board, and the chat room have saved my life, literally. And, several times. If you can, just come on in and chat, or attend a meeting. You will find understanding and compassion, and maybe even some answers. I know I have.
Wow hadenuff you could be describing my life. It is torture to be married to an alcoholic or drug addict beleive me I know.
I don't think there is ever enough help in the world for some people. They just like the life of using so very much.
I really beleive we are a keeper of our own destiny no matter what they do.. We just have to move forward without them, because living with them can be hell.
My hub always worked and provided well also so go figuer. But I think it is because if they don't how would they be able to use.??
Hi had enuff. Happiness comes from within we cannot rely on someone else to fill that need for us. I have heard people on this board say being married to an A is an emotionally bankrupt experience. I think that title fits perfectly. They have two such distinctly different personalities - that is what makes our roller coaster ride so bumpy. Luv Leo xx
After I have gradually come out of denial I have begun to notice. The Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde syndrome. Who is here today? My AH is a workalcoholic. It is all about work. He has since moved out but now that I am alone I see things more clearly. He is just not there and can't be there. For my AH he is a dry drunk and basically is stunted emotionally. He is always behind walls. But to pump himself up, he also pursues other woman. It makes him feel good; he is afraid of intimacy and these flirtations keep him safe and excited.
I am learning that this a lifelong ride. Alanon has such great tools. Focus on yourself. Work your program and your recovery. We deserve more. Keep coming back.
