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I'm 35 and have cut off all of my family of origin. There are a few who I am in occasional contact with, and I love all of them, even the ones I know I will never let back in not even minutely. Its a very sick family in the affected by alcoholism sense. So for some members, the only boundary understood is No Entry. I'm OK with that.
But then there are a few who are still engaged in the disease and I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak not any more. No ones perfect. How do you manage to have safe healthy relationships of any kind with mostly unhealthy family members, and to what extent do you engage with each other? Also, why do you bother and what sense does it give you inside, emotionally? I ask because I know my expectations can be a bit off, too high or nonexistent then I get drained and tired and feel stuck having banal exchanges where we all pretend not to be deep thinkers or it's drama drama drama. I miss my elders though, sick or not. I also feel like I'm a bit of a different woman now though I'm not cocky about that as I once was, so I would like esh about how and what family relationships are.
Hugs A41 .. I'm not good with relationships .. It has to be on my terms .. I have gone in an on and off relationship with my mom .. Zero with my dad. I'm ok with that .. With my mom it's email only I talk to her on the phone rarely as in almost a year I think. I have very strong boundaries with her. She is very needy and emotionally draining .. So I only engage when I have the emotional energy to expend. i guess I see it as an emotionally expensive relationship. I'm more accepting of her and we have a superficial relationship. It's an odd dichotomy. I have no idea if anything I shared makes sense lol .. I definitely control how much contact we have and for me I'm not interested in much more. She's hinted around about coming out for my daughter's graduation .. I just don't find I want her here I'm already stressed out big time. Having her here would complicate things. That's just me. The fact we have contact at all is a big step forward for me. Ironically even she is aware that my norm is to just be done. So she accepts limited contact and gives me control in that regard. Hugs s ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Great question thanks for the opportunity to reflect on it.
I think when we've been badly effected we want to run and cut all ties and I felt like that and it was because I was filled with fear. I had no tools either to deal with anyone really, healthy or not.
It took a bit of time in the program, meetings, readings, etc until I got some trust in myself. Its funny because Alanon gave me the strength to end my relationship fully with my ex and its partly fear based in that I felt he was a risk to my progress although I have little fear of him now because my progress has been life changing and this new me knows how to compe now and I have tools like boundaries, detachment, self love and I know I have the right to a good life and its my top priority to improve my life and do whats right for me!!!! Sound so simple but I honestly didnt know this basic life saving fact. I honestly believed I was getting what I deserved, it was my fault, it was all because I wasnt trying hard enough.
My son has a drink problem and he has been my biggest teacher because I had to find a way of having him in my life despite the disease. I learned to love him but not stop loving me in the process, very difficult.
I think a period of time without the chaos and drama can be healing and allow the focus to switch completely but for me I know this disease will live very closely in my life forever through myself and all three of my children and it will challenge me always. My sons active drinking means I've got the full range - Im so lucky lol. I do believe I am lucky though because I cant become complacent in my recovery, my relationships depend on me working towards seeing people as children of God, needing my love and respect and courtesy, this of course includes me. Ive found though that when I give of myself then I get it back.
In terms of the day to day relationship with the active drinker in my life, I try not judge, so I dont say do this or do that. Ive learned he cant really hear that, hes in another zone, god love him. It doesnt matter how much I want him in my zone and my world he has his own journey and it might lead him to the light but it might not, either way I cant base my own happiness or serenity on whether he is drinking or not. I am always polite with my son, its a careful relationship, its not spontaneous or completely honest if you know what I mean. I dont give him advice, that's my number one rule, or I try not too. I say things like ' you can work that out' or' you have what you need to fix that' and I listen a lot more than I talk. If im talking a lot with my son then Im not really in my recovery and im probably manipulating him and i do do this because I want him to be happy and I see this horrid disease in his eyes and its hard and I want to desperately pluck it right out of him. My son is my daily reminder of the power of alcoholism.
I also need to be vigilant where he is concerned, I cant live with him because his disease ups a gear and its dangerous to him and me, so ultimately I may one day see my son homeless all the while Ive got a warm comfortable house, Ive done it before and I will do it again. Ive learned boundaries and I know what enabling is and how powerful the desire to enable becomes. This gives me trust in myself that this disease will beat me every time so I must trust in a higher power in this world bigger than me.
Anyway, thanks for letting me get that out there and I hope I have helped.
Good morning, a 41 I can readily identify with your feelings and the place where you find yourself. At about the same age, I broke all contact with my family of origin and decided that I would only see them once a year at holidays and weddings.. This did not sit well with them, and I received many nasty calls attempting to force my attendance at birthday parties, etc. I intentionally did not remember birthdays and in effect; "detached with the proverbial AX"
After attending a few funerals, and digging deeper within, I felt's as if I had the ability to place principles above personalities and reconnect in a healthier fashion. Thanks to program I did this. I took my Al-Anon tools, kept an open mind, allowing everyone to have their opinion like I did at meetings and did not feel as if I had to change them or give advice. This works to this day.
I treat everyone with courtesy and respect, stop judging and blaming, and miracle of miracles the love surfaced. They can now accept me for who I am and I accept them and have stopped stop trying to change them. Like the saying in the opening of an alanon meetings- The states; "you may not like all of us put you love us in a special way. The same way we already love you." I've learned to talk things over and reason things out without having gossip and criticism and that works miraculously.
I'm with Betty - I had to just place principles above personalities and stay present in the moment for each gathering/event/etc. Most of my issues with others had to do with feeling used, manipulated, etc. - all of which I realized during step work could be managed through boundaries and detaching.
I come from a long family of drinkers - I don't label them as As or drunks cause I don't like labels. They all know I am in recovery. They all know I will help them should they want recovery. I don't take drunk calls, I don't bail people out of jail and I don't buy alcohol. Those are my main 3. When we are together, I treat it as any other outing - I make sure I have my own car, I make sure I have program contact numbers with me and I always have a Plan B.
Beyond that, they are just more imperfect people - we just have common blood lineage. I had to forgive myself and them and let go of the past. I do know that they would be of service if I asked, I also know that would be quite dysfunctional if I asked. It's funny you bring this up - I had to go to court this morning, and my AH was joking that he'd be on the golf course if I got thrown in jail....he suggested I call one of our sons. Without thinking hard, I responded that I would call one of my cousins or friends before I'd call one of my sons.
I try to respect the differences between me and others and when I keep an open mind, I can 'see' strengths in my family where I did not see them before. It's a process - trust the process and as we say, more will be revealed...
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Always so good to have a web of wise women, thankyou for the replies. Each are relatable. I can't type on this damn phone lol, but wanted you all to know I've read and re read your words. Funerals, yes, it weighs on my mind as the family age. There are many I love and would like them to know I love before they go home.
Some are emotionally expensive.
Some require the care of considered interactions to keep the relationship.
Some its good to see sometimes.
No one is perfect.
I think I might be starting to forgive myself. No one is perfect is knocking and sinking in to my heart. The fight is done; survey the field, is how it feels.
Powerful programme. Thank you all ladies.
Hi A4L I can relate to your post as well. I struggle with this too. My father is an active A and my step mother too. My step mother is the person who's alcoholism affects me most in the sense that she was abusive to me as a child and even though that is in the past she behaves in ways that are criminal and embarrassing in my present day. To have a relationship with my Dad means I have to deal with her as well. The resentment I held towards both of them for my treatment as a child was too overwhelming to tolerate. I had pretty much cut them both out of my life about 10 years ago and then I got a call from my step sister that my father needed heart surgery and almost died. I was not in program then but I remember realizing that I had to make a decision to either cut him out completely or make a conscious decision to have him in my life. I decided at that point that I wanted my father in my life and I would figure out ways to do that and still feel ok with me. I think on some level I felt like I lost myself in that relationship because if I just pretended like nothing was wrong I was disregarding my own feelings and wellbeing. I remember complaining to my mother about all my dad did or didn't do for me, the addiction, the behaviour etc and she said one of the most profound things I ever heard "Your dad loves you the best way he knows how'. To me I interpreted those words as "your dad may not show his love for you in a way that you would like him to but don't ever think he doesn't love you because of his behaviour". That statement saved my relationship with my Dad. I still cannot let him get too close. It's too painful for me and when I go against that I really feel it. But I have a better relationship with him than I did. I am grateful for that moment when my step sister called because it gave me another chance to have a relationship with my father. It's not the relationship I would have liked, it does not meet all the expectations I would have of a father and I can see on his side I don't meet all his expectations either but that's ok. I have a relationship with him. And when the day comes that he passes away I will know that I tried and that he loved me the best way he knew how. I've allowed myself to feel that love.
