The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Rachael and I am 26 years old. My boyfriend is a meth addict. I am incredibly torn about what I should be doing with this man. We have been together for about a year and a half. He has been one of my best friends since we were kids so I feel like our long relationship has made this situation even harder for me. He is literally my favorite human being when he is sober. We have the same type of humor. I can rely on him more than anyone. He is loving, compassionate, kind, and overall a beautiful human being.
But, when he uses he lies. He disappears. He looks me straight in my eye and lies to me blatantly. He starts talking to other women on websites. He protects his addiction more than anything or anyone else in this world. I will spare everyone the details of all the things that he has been doing, but I am so torn because he tells me he wants to be sober. He tells me that he will do anything to be sober. But, when faced with decisions he won't take the plunge.
This last relapse (found out about it today) - I told him that we could no longer be together unless he went to a program to help with his sobriety. He told me he wouldn't go. I see that the proof is in his actions. He told me no, so I know that I should follow through and break up with him. But, I'm so scared of what will happen. When I first told him - he told me that he would go kill himself if I left him. He told me that he doesn't deserve me, but doesn't want to live his life without me. So, I immediately tried to backtrack because he has been a heroin user in the past and I know that he could easily go pick some up and do a shot big enough to kill himself with. I am so fearful that he will overdose and die. But, then I really don't know how serious he is being.
So, I am really just at a standstill. I am trying to stand my ground, but I am worrying myself sick. We currently live together, but I am house sitting for a friend for the next few days. So, should I just discontinue contact until I return? Do I need to make a bigger move - like figure out a plan to move out of our home and stop talking completely? I really just need some advice. I am really lost and filled with worry and what ifs.
Thank you for reading. Really needed to vent. I feel really alone with this thing.
Hello rachel, Welcome to MIP. Drug addictions like alcohol addictions can ruin families. Alanon is program that teaches people how deal with their loved ones in a healthy way so that they do not become sick themselves. You can learn how to detach with love and set boundaries for yourself, and that might prevent you and your boyfriend from breaking up. You can learn about stopping things like codependency and enabling, so that you do not feel bad or have a lot of guilt when making tough decisions. Addicted people will threaten to do bad things to keep their loved ones attached to them. I am sorry this is happening during a time when drugs are so available. I would not know which is worse alcoholism or drug abuse. I am in recovery myself, it has been 14 years. I did not stop using until I started getting arrested and spending time in jail. They say you have to hit rock bottom, and that is a fact. However, your boyfriend does not have to take you to that same place. Alanon can really help. There are face to face meetings in most towns. There is also a lot of literature. I am glad you are here, and I hope you find a meeting and keep moving in a positive direction.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 2nd of May 2017 10:26:39 AM
Suicide with alcoholics and substance abusers is no joke. Their rate for tried and completed suicides is much higher than the general population. I can't suggest anything beyond going to face to face meetings and using all the mental health resources at your disposal. I hear your despair, feel your pain and send you hugs.
(((((((Rachael's))))))) ,I am so sorry for your having to go through the pains and sufferings of being with a addict.
I can so relate to your every word of what it's like living with a loved one on meth,I to had several years with a xbf on meth,
Today I have really gotten into my recovery with lots of cal lit,daily readings ,and of course coming here to read others stories of how their working it,and it's working for me as well.thanks to alanon ,12 steps,etc,
I'm free from all that was involved with living with my addict,
Life is so much more serene today as I practice useing the my tools day to day,
I actually can enjoy my life today,
With no drama no chaos ax was a good bit of in my case.
And not knowing what to expect next......I wish you well ,I hope I've said something here that can help you,as always take what you like and leave the rest,,,,,lookingup,
P.s. Mip meetings here every night at 9 pm eastern standard time,come join us........
Hello welcome Rachael, you have received great support and suggestions above and all I wanted to do is to add my welcome and assure you that there is hope and help. We do not give advice as each situation is different but if someone is threatening harm to themselves then calling 911 is essential.
Face-to-face meetings encouraged me to keep the focus on myself, develop a trust in a Power greater than myself, live one day at a time and understand the disease in both of us. It is indeed powerful and baffling.
Al-Anon holds face-to-face meetings in most communities as does Drugs Anonymous. They are both based on the 12 steps and you will find help. You are not alone
Welcome to MIP Rachael - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I am so sorry for the disease and the pain it's causing you. I never want to be responsible for anyone's life choices so don't assume I know anything when one discusses ending their life. I will call in the authorities as I am not equipped to deal with that issue/threat.
I would suggest you look to attend some Al-Anon meetings as Betty suggests. Depending upon the size or your community, you might find Nar-Anon meetings too - either would work better than no support at all. We learn in recovery that isolation is a huge part of the disease and how it affects the user as well as the family/friends - thus breaking the isolation and getting support is very helpful.
Please keep coming back here too - you are not alone. There is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for all the helpful replies. It is really helpful to not feel so alone on this one. I truly appreciate it. I have been attending Al Anon meetings, but not regularly (which I am going to start to today). It is really helpful to hear about Nar-Anon meetings too. I will definitely look into that as well.
He came to the house I was staying last night and was in an absolute frenzy. I can feel his suffering and his misery. It's really heartbreaking. We tried talking, but he is actively using and it is really hard to have a normal conversation about getting clean when he is in this state. We just ended up screaming at each other. I said things I wish I had not. My boyfriend started using meth when he was 15 years old. Starting using needles at 18. He has gone to jail, rehab, out patient, sober living, etc. and at this point he is just tired of trying. When we first decided to get together he was sober for about 5 months. Since then, it has been a series of relapses. I want to help him, but really have no idea how. I think both of us feel defeated by this disease.
I genuinely feel like I need to step back and let him hit rock bottom, but I am afraid that if I stick around I will only continue to enable him. To pick him up and clean him up after he uses. I don't want to enable, but I am having a really difficult time setting boundaries and knowing what is appropriate and what isn't. I don't want to enable him, but I also am not willing to leave him. My feelings are so torn and I wish there was a manual that told me the right way to deal with these things. I also was to protect myself. I get defensive. I take his drug use personally (although I know I really shouldn't). I have a really hard time detaching with love - a phrase I've heard in Al-Anon meetings. I keep trying to not use ultimatums - but I continue to use them in a desperate plea and continue to not follow through. I just feel like I am dealing with this situation in the absolute wrong way. The entire situation just feels incredibly surreal and unmanageable.
Anyways, you all have no idea how helpful it is to just put all my mixed emotions out there. I attend Al-Anon meetings and I actively listen, but have an incredibly hard time opening up myself so this forum is really something I need right now. Makes being honest less scary. Thank you all for your replies. Definitely feel less alone now and for that I am incredibly grateful.
Welcome. I too, am sorry you are dealing with addiction. I know that we are not to give advice. So I will tell you that if I knew my recovered meth husband would become addicted to alcohol 6 years after being clean, I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. His meth addiction not only cleared ALL our savings, but got him fired, and exposed me to the possibility of all sorts of "fun" diseases. Luckily, I tested negative on all. After going to a state run rehab & getting clean, I took him back despite not loving him anymore... for my young son. I figured that with my Al-Anon tools, I could learn to love him again - I mean, we've been married 25 yrs at that point. Much of that was true, but only 2 years into his cleanness did the old behaviors come back (without the drug use). Still I stuck around b/c he wasn't "using" and was a good provider. Fast-forward, now he is addicted to alcohol and my life has spiraled into that rabbit hole... again. I hate him, addiction, and my life. I am here because I am trying to pick up MY pieces and become strong again.
Go to Al-Anon and get a sponsor. Learn how to set boundaries and to not enable. Once you do that and you become strong with yourself, you will see that you might make other choices when it comes to having him in your life. There are a million men out there who have 0 issues with addiction... they are just waiting for you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
