There is a particular situation in my life that causes me terrible angst and distress, and has historically ended in self-destructive decisions and extremely poor self care. Basically a person that I cut out of my life a long time ago (with good reason) makes sporadic attempts to re-connect and my usual go-to coping mechanism is to have a melt-down and project, catastrophise, worry myself into actual sickness, and agree to things that i just don't want to freaking agree to. Basically, the scenario has always been a catalyst for me to practice my very worst coping tools and dysfunctional behaviour.

Anyway this time, I did not react with fear or anxiety. I surprised myself by calmly putting it aside and getting on with what I needed to get on with. A few days passed and I still hadn't responded and I wasn't finding myself overly worked up over it either, although I came to the conclusion that I wasn't clear about whether to respond, not respond etc. It was a difficult decision for reasons I won't go into because believe it or not, I can get long-winded at times 

So I instead decided I would discuss the matter with a wonderful trusted al-anon friend (how very programmy of me!!!) and a week has now passed, and I still haven't quite decided what I will do but I feel really calm and clear headed and pleased with my non-reactive approach, and also with the fact that I sought help without agonising about it or thinking I was being a pest by doing so. Yay me.

I had another scenario a couple of weeks ago where I discovered that my ex husband has quit his job and currently has no income and therefore no child support obligation and could be assessed as having to pay nothing effective immediately. And I don't know what the outcome is going to be, and I haven't had a nervous breakdown or called anyone in tears or yelled or cursed the universe or any of that good helpful stuff. Instead I have just kind of shrugged and decided, cool. Maybe it's time to stop caring that he married me and wanted a baby and then effed off and abandoned us and he SHOULD contribute. But he has never wanted to, he's tried to get out of it in every way possible. So he's an ass. Whatever. I think I'm finally just.......over it. Anyway that was weeks ago and I've responded by taking steps towards earning more money myself and hopefully letting him disappear from my rear-view mirror for good. I just really don't give a pickled fig any more. Wow. If I was any more zen, I'd have to go and buy a motorcycle to maintain.

So the first instance got me thinking...about how when someone is harmful or dangerous towards me my response is to feel guilty and ashamed and apologetic and then to try to make it up to them. You hurt me, I say sorry. I've been that way for as long as I can remember being alive and a good example is thus...Recently I was reading a piece by a person who was bitten by a dog as a child and now has a morbid fear of all things canine. Well, when I was a child my parents took me to visit someone who had a large German Shepherd in their front yard. I was told to enter ("the dog is friendly, don't worry") and go and knock on the door. Well the dog, who had never met me before, bit into my hand and leg and I, instantly assuming I had somehow done something wrong, continued to walk through the yard with a growling dog attached to my leg so that I could knock on the door as instructed. I tried to hide the injuries and squeezed into the house as soon as the door opened and the dog released me, citing an urgent need to go to the bathroom (where I tried my best to mop up and conceal said injuries). (I was unsuccessful as I was bleeding freaking everywhere so eventually had to confess what had happened).  I was so ashamed and frightened that I would be in trouble for creating a situation where people might get upset. It never occurred to me to be upset with the dog or my parents or the fact that a supposed enjoyable visit turned into pain and distress for me. I was just ashamed, and desperate to prevent anyone becoming upset on my account. And it struck me as interesting that I never developed a fear of dogs either. Actually I am a bit of a dog-whisperer as an adult. (Subconscious need to control the dog that bit me?) The point is, it occurred to me, as I contemplated this memory, that I didn't become afraid of dogs because it didn't occur to me that the dog had any part in the situation; I could only see me and try to understand my part in it. And there is a resilience in that that I think I like. Not the blaming myself for everything and the beating myself down...those habits are destructive...but at the same time, seeing my own part in bad situations has come very easily to me since learning this program...the challenge has been learning to do it in a loving and impartial way. 

I guess I'm just saying, I see an asset where once I saw a big fat gross weird embarrassing defect that needed to be covered up and hidden from everyone just like the dog-bites from all those years ago.

It's more than dog bites and balancing self responsibility too.

Like so many people here, I have a real issue with questioning my own perceptions, and I tend to trust other people's view of me and/or of situations instead of trusting my own perception. The example I like to use is, if you were to punch me in the face repeatedly and tell me it's my fault because I'm actually hitting your fist with my face (because I am crazy)....there would be at least a moment where I was unsure and worried..."what if they are right?". And part of me would really hesitate to take any action other than run and hide because...what if there was a reason they did it, what if I caused it, etc. This very sad and embarrassing trait I know to be a side effect of being, I guess, a sensitive kid (yuk, I hate thinking of myself like that) and growing up in a pretty chaotic, scary and alcohol fuelled environment. I was told so many times that I was wrong, I had imagined whatever I thought I had experienced, I was just looking for attention or trying to cause a problem. Whatever I tried to say to the adults in my life, I was told that it was incorrect and did not happen that way I said it did. It extended far beyond the home too. If I said someone was unkind to me at school or on the street or in any other situation, my mother would immediately tell me I had probably misunderstood or done something to upset the other person. I imagine she developed this habit having grown up in a similar environment. This created a fantastic default setting for me...I am wrong and if anyone is upset it's because I caused it.

Anyway I've known this for a long time but in the spirit of contemplating the positives, and the ways in which my early experiences have strengthened as well as harmed me, I've found that in my studies, as we progress into the final stretch and practice practical case-solving, that I'm really pretty freaking good at it. Others in the class who have previously kind of dismissed me because I'm a quiet, jittery person and not every-one's cup of tea, seem to like working with me on cases because i am discovering I have a real knack for getting to the heart of the matter and seeing the whole picture instead of being hung up by...yep, prejudices or my own agenda. Just one of many examples...when we watched a recording of a patient discussing her various health concerns and she expressed that she didn't drink every night but she did binge drink, having maybe 12 drinks once a week when she went out clubbing. I found this to be a part of the case but not the sole focus as there was a lot going on with this chick. Others in the class just couldn't get past the idea that someone could drink 12 drinks and not be sick. And that was all that they could talk about or consider...that 12 drinks at a time was "so gross" and that this chick was weird and needed to be told not to drink that much. I realised that a lot of them were really struggling to empathise with a person that didn't share their values and maybe that's an area that I am pretty strong in. I am starting to realise that this defect of mine (not being entirely married to my own perceptions of reality) has actually made me quite a good critical thinker with the right kind of empathy to be really, I think, pretty good at the field I am soon to be practicing in. Used right, it's an asset, strange as that may sound.

The bottom line being, these early experiences and the "damage" that has resulted have also given me gifts. With the right tools and the newfound, al-anon given ability to see myself objectively and compassionately, I'm actually starting to see that "the way I am"- something I have always hated and been ashamed of...is actually going to serve me really well. Maybe I will always be reserved and a nervous talker (I have always assumed this will destroy my ability to see clients). But maybe that's a non-issue since I seem to have talents in other areas that my more confident peers maybe do not. Maybe I will do just fine.

Anyway, I've thought for a long time that my recovery had slowed or gone backwards and just recently these new things have come to my attention...assets or new ways of dealing with things and it just made me think "wow, when did I learn that?". Maybe we don't realise how much progress we have made until difficult or new situations arise. I feel good, anyway. I'm stronger than I realised and I've made progress without even noticing and all in all, I'm grateful to everyone that has helped me on the journey so far. You're all wonderful.

(((everyone)))

(sorry for the novel)

(again).