The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been divorced for over a year now and my exhusband the "A" is still battling me over every little thing. He was ordered to attend AA for 6months twice a week and both of us to undergo alchohol evaluations. Mine came out that i needed to attend Al-Anon for a minimum of a year to deal with his alchoholism that I apparently just accepted during the marriage as "Oh that's just how he is".
It was brought up to me yesterday that i have not attended any classes. Pardon me, for losing my job due to my kids being sick, attending other court-ordered classes, answer EVERY motion he files in court, work, keep up with the house, sitback and watch how he doesn't pay child support. Am I bitter? YES, I feel like I am being punished to attend Al-anon, but also realize that this will help me in how to deal with him.
SO my attorney said what about online classes? I looked into it and here i am. I plan to attend each one at 9am on weekday mornings.
Any other suggestions for how to navigate through the site would be most helpful. Thank you.
Welcome to MIP! I find great comfort here. I hope you will too. I read the posts on the board, attend meetings and hang out in the chatroom. It is also very helpful to attend face to face meetings. I was also not very happy about being in al-anon. I have been a member for almost 2 years now and I can tell you this program has saved me. There are many books available to assist you in your recovery from your husband's alcoholism. This is a FAMILY disease. It affects you and your children too. I recommend the courage to change to start with. Read it daily. Either a topic you are dealing with that day or by the day. This program works if you work it.
Welcome and keep coming back...you have taken the first step in your new life!
I'm glad you are here...even if it seems like a pain in the butt right now and that you're "having" to do this. I can promise you, if you give it half a chance you'll see that there are those of us here that have had the same experiences. That you are not alone in your aggrivation and frustration and that there is hope for brighter and better days ahead.
I encourage you to read How Al-anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics and also to look at the daily reading books, Hope for Today and One Day at a Time in Alanon (ODAT).
As you read the posts here from others you will probably see that the things you are going through are the same things many of us have had to deal with.
Does that make it right, no.
Do you have reason to feel angry and bitter, yes.
Will it change anything, again no.
I know myself I have often complained that he is the one not being responsible, he is the one drinking, he is the one causing all of the turmoil. Why am I the one who is working a program. The answer here is for me.
Unless they are working on recovery, no matter what anyone including the courts say, they are going to drink, they are going to be selfish and they are going to try and make everyone around them miserable. You just have to decide if you are going to let them.
Alanon is not a magic potion, it will not make you have to work less, or make him pay his child support. It will teach you that you matter, it will let you be happy and less stressed no matter what he does.
You cannot change anything he does. You can even argue with a court until you are blue in the face, but it won't help. You can only change you.
After any amount of time dealing with an Alcoholic, we become just as sick ourselves, sometimes more so. The strain of trying to deal with the bitterness and shouldering all of the responsibility is just too much for anyone to deal with alone. If you work the steps, get a sponsor, attend meetings and read the literature, you can begin to feel better about yourself. You can learn better coping skills and feel less drained and even less angry and bitter.
It has nothing to do with him, it is all for you. Many of us came here to help us figure out a way to get our A's to stop drinking. We learned we can't. We ended up staying because it helped us make our lives happier and more manageable.
While this site is great and the online meetings are wonderful, I hope you decide to try and get to some face to face meetings. There you will find real hugs, and emotional support and unconditional love and acceptance like you will find no place else.
The easiest way to navigate the site is just to read the things people have to say. Post your own thoughts when you want to, even if you just want a place to vent about a bad day and get a little bit of sympathy, we all need that sometimes.
I have found the people here wonderful and compassionate. Without Alanon I think I would have ended up in a padded room a long time ago. My sponsor is not an obligation, she is a true loving friend and trusted confidant.
I know that working and having kids and dealing with all the nonsence takes time, sometimes more time than we have in a week let alone a day. But you are worth taking the time to help yourself. Sometimes we just have to stop what we are doing take a deep breath and remember that we are important. That we not only can take some time to do nice things for ourlselves, but we should.
I understand your frustrations in finding the time. I'm lucky enough that I'm able to find afternoon meetings that do not interfere w/ my ability to do other things that I need to do.
I still do find time occasionally for a night time meeting too though.
That all being said, this is a wonderful Al-anon group. It's also great to see that you think that while you are being mandated to be here, that you can also get something out of it.
Keep coming back it works if your work it ! So work it you're worth it.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Try to remember everything happens for a reason. I was so mad at my A about 18 months ago I threw the phone at him. He was being verably abusive.....well, I was arrested for domestic violence, ordered to do one year treatment. Other recomendations from my counselor ...? Alanon. I am glad now of all I have went through. We are still together, he has in the last 6 months acknowledged he has a problem. Yep!!! It's his problem. I have learned my life was insane, and everything in my life would have stayed insane had I not learned new skills. It is all learned behavior that can be unlearned. I have a better job! I am more independent! I still get mad, but not consumed by anger! Hang in there, try to think of it this way. We are all works in progress and if you can learn just ONE new thing it will worth it.
