The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that, in reality, I'm not losing my kid to addiction or to depression.....but, I feel like he's more disconnected from me now than he used to be. He was my sidekick for so many years and because of his separation anxiety, he was never comfortable being away from me. Once the divorce happened 2.5 years ago, he's started spreading his wings, finding independence, and managing his life pretty well.
But, what I feel like I'm losing him to is to my XAH. My son spends a LOT of time with his dad. He basically only sleeps at my house and only spends time with me when I try to arrange for us to go out to breakfast or take a day to go hiking or something along those lines. His dad is talking about moving to the other side of town, closer to where he will be attending community college. My son said he will most likely live with his dad and just come visit me when his schedule allows. He confides in me and has told me that his father is having some concerning health issues. I can see my son falling into my old role of 'taking care of' my XAH. Sigh.....I am proud of my kid. He's been through hell and he's still focusing on his future. He signed a letter of intent to play tennis for the college and they offered him a very small scholarship (it will basically cover books). He has learning disabilities and we aren't sure he can even manage this, but I'm having him tested by a neuropsychologist next week and hopefully they can help us provide a more certain diagnosis that my son can take to the school to see what kind of accommodations they can make for him.
My son is playing in the high school state tennis championships this week, as well. He's the number 3 kid in the state and is the captain of his HS team. He's worked really hard and I want to be there to see him play. But, he told me not to come because his dad is the assistant coach at the high school and he said it would make him uncomfortable to have both of us there.....mostly because my XAH hates me and blames all his troubles on me leaving him and moving on with my life.
So, I am agreeing to his request despite how crappy I feel about it. I hate feeling like my XAH still has control over what I do and where I should be. But, I understand because my EXAH will just make comments and create a scene or complain incessantly to my son about the fact that I showed my face somewhere that he just happens to be.
My son also is a huge photography buff and he's working on a website and creating filters with Adobe lightroom and he's involved in local photography groups, as well. He's getting into brand photography and has been offered a few assignments from a coffee company and some other clothing company. He networks, he reaches out and asks for the business, and I'm truly so proud of his intent to create something out of his passion.
I wanted him to live off campus in an apartment with one of the international tennis players, but if his dad moves over there then he might live with his father. I often pray that I made the right decision. If I had stayed in my little house alone and NOT moved in with my boyfriend, I believe that my son wouldn't have gone to his dad's so much, but then I also feel that I might have allowed him to just sit around and do nothing and that he would have gotten lazy if he just stayed at my place all the time alone. Once I moved in with my bf last year, my son started to gravitate towards his dad and I sometimes I feel like maybe I pushed him out or pushed him away. Yet, maybe that's exactly what he needs?? He is 18 now. He is going to have to navigate the ups and downs of the world and living in mama's protected bubble probably wasn't going to teach him very much about life.
Just praying I made the right decisions. This life stuff can be quite a journey!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Gosh Andromeda that was a great post about your son and I want to applaud it! I've networked with a lot of children of alcoholics and addicts who were so encumbered by the disease that they didn't realize the potentials your son has. Great on him!! Sounds like a gratitude list entry. ((((hugs))))
You should be proud of your son, it sounds like he has made a lot of accomplishments. My son has learning disabilities and he dropped out of college. He was older though. I think boys gravitate towards their fathers. If your ex is coaching tennis he must have some positive qualities.
Wow he sounds like he's doing awesome! I remember a year ago you were really worried about his future. His future has arrived and it's seeming very bright! Talented sports person with creative skills and a partial scholarship sound very accomplished to me. You will always be his mum. Hugs.
You know you have been an amazing Mum and your son sounds like an amazing young man and we could go round and round with the whole if I did this or that etc. I think you did the best you could in showing him an example of a few things. Firstly you showed him how to not accept unacceptable behaviour, you stopped that for both of you. You showed him that life goes on and we have choices and opportunities all the time, you never shrivelled up and died when your marriage ended you flourished. You set an example and now wow, hes following your lead here, spreading his wings becoming independant, that is fantastic. A miracle. The fact hes spending time with his Dad is likely part of his journey, seperate from you and really none of your business. Now its time for you what do you want? you have time now to spend on you. Im really happy for you and your family.x
What you guys must know here is that I believe my son has great abilities despite his learning disabilities. I just miss him and I feel like he's become a caretaker to his father. I don't want that to become his life with his future ahead of him. He's much more emotionally mature and aware than I was at his age but he's a very sensitive person and he's extremely empathic. The weight of other people's burdens tends to weigh him down mentally. It's like he wants to fix people's pain and I know he's going to face a lot of life lessons along the way in dealing with this.
Thankfully, yes, my XAH has some good qualities and one of them is his ability to coach tennis. His binge drinking is a problem still and my son has told me that he's still messing around with mixing his sleeping pills with alcohol. I have no idea what's really going on as it's truly none of my business anymore. I just wonder if I'll be helping my son grieve the loss of his father someday soon and that pains me greatly. I honestly don't see my XAH taking care of himself or being proactive in his health any longer.
As for what I want???? Well, for now, I need to focus on my career and forging a path for me to be able to take care of myself financially. I still 'want' the new little family I've created with my bf and his girls. We seem to have a good thing here. I expressed a lot of my concerns about step-parenting and my role here and my bf was very sensitive about it and finally asked me, "Do you want to be here? That's all I need to know." And, I knew before he even asked that, yes, I did. I do want to be here, I just struggle to deal with it at times, at adjusting to life with 2 GIRLS instead of one boy!!! Totally different scenario for me and just the fact that I'm going to be building a career and have other stresses on me......well, that takes a toll on my emotionally and mentally too, so I have a lot going on and there are days when I want to run for the hills and buy a sports car just for the heck of it!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Oh girl.....be grateful. Be grateful that he's caring, sensitive, smart and has plans. Be grateful that he's willing to be of service to another person. I read your post and consider my own boys and remain hopeful that one day, maybe - just maybe - they will have some selflessness! The disease has such a hold on them that each and every step, action, word and thought is about me, me, me (them) and after a partial week of trying to be of service for them, I am exhausted from the extended effort to bite my tongue and work my program.
I can relate to the grief you are having. I grieved when mine aged out and starting 'adulting'. They have not had extreme success yet and left home with the disease. So - it's been a bit frightening watching the effort, outcome, results and consequences. You've done an amazing job and while he's probably not perfectly prepared for life - he's got a hellova resource (You) to tap into when things get hard, painful, confusing or frightening.
I believe that no matter where he goes and what he does, you are and will always be his number one. Your life is growing, changing, blossoming and so is his. It's so hard to allow them to learn, live, slip and slide but it's an honor to you that he's able/willing to share what he's thinking. My best suggestion, as it applies no matter who our children are and what they plan is to focus on your relationship with him - there's nothing like it any where else and it will always be unique. A relationship with one's mother can't ever be replaced. We can find surrogates - child or parent - but if the relationship has been caring and nurturing and unconditional, no matter where he goes - it will be with the knowledge of who to call if a kind word is needed.
What a marvelous young man. What a great gift that he gets in having his AF be well enough to coach him at Tennis and to have personal success in the game!!! He can hold onto that no matter what comes next and it will matter. My sons soften mostly when they discuss those tender moments where dad was coaching them playing baseball and mom was carpooling, bringing treats and keeping score. Just as with our own journey, I believe HP has your son's and my sons' journey mapped out as he sees fit.
Feel those feelings girl - then remember they aren't facts! He sounds incredible and I hope in spite of your grieving and fear that you are filled with joy and pride....you should be!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just give him his hugs and tell him you are proud and love him to the moon and back. You taught him well even with his challenges with life and we pray he will succeed with whatever he chooses to do.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
