Lately I have been struggling with trying to keep my focus on myself and letting AW do her own thing and manage her own recovery in her own way, and feeling ... I'm not sure. Almost betrayed by the choices AW is making in her recovery. I let her move back in with the understanding that she would work full time and help clean the house, especially litter boxes. Over the last year, I can trace instances where she's inched away from her part of the deal, a little at a time. And, I didn't notice it was happening, or I decided it was not important. (Working a full time, physical job, I understand she might be exhausted at the end of the day and not up to helping with dishes, so as long as the cat boxes were clean, that was ok. Then, I go tired of arguing about the cat boxes.)

Recently, she cut her work hours down to part time (which I told her was her decision) so that she could focus on her education, applying for better paying jobs, and engaging more deeply with her recovery. Sounds great on the surface. She even followed through for three weeks. But the last two weeks, she's been just sleeping and watching tv on her days off, as well as on the weekend. She hasn't gone to any AA meetings recently, doesn't have a sponsor, and refuses to work the steps. She's missed or cancelled her last two counseling sessions as well. I recognize this pattern of behavior, and in the past, it resulted in leaving work entirely, sitting at home, and/or drinking at bars while I was at work. I know (and the courts know) that she is not drinking now, but the behavior pattern is the same. 

So, I'm trying to focus on myself and what I am doing. I tell myself that I need to leave her to her own devices and that I am frantically washing dishes before work in the morning because I want a clean kitchen and no ants this summer. I am doing laundry at all hours when I happen to be in the basement because I want clean clothes. I am dusting, etc. because I want a clean house. All true. And I had a clean house when she was not living with me. I remind myself that the amount of upkeep and housework that I am doing is not significantly more, and that I am not doing more work than I would be if she were not there. 

And still, I am upset because I feel like I have the burden of everything and she could at least be going to meetings or otherwise trying to make progress instead of sinking back into her pit of depressed sofa-sitting. And, I am unsure of what to do or say about it. I fear that I am again enabling her by not saying anything about her lack of holding up her end of the bargain, and I fear being pulled back into codependent behavior patterns. I'm also certain that anything I say would have a bit of anger or resentment in it at this point, so I'm deciding not to say anything right now. 

We did talk about it last night. She wanted to blame lack of fresh air in the house for her state of tired, despite having all the windows open. I suggested that there could be a medical reason for her lack of energy, and that she might want to discuss things with the doctor. I suggested as well that she keep an energy-level journal and note sleep patters, food, and what she did during the day so the doctor would be able to see patterns, if there were any. What I did not broach was how I am feeling about things. I don't think a productive conversation can result from that right now, and I was certain that I wasn't ready to talk to her about where I am at. 

Thanks for humoring me and my rather long share. Writing things down helped me reach more clarity on this issue than I've had in a while!