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My husband comes out of his 14 day rehab program tomarrow. He is already asking me when he will get to drive our daughter aground again. I'm not comfortable with allowing him to drive her anywhere any time soon because he has been drunk driving for years and this is the very first time he has ever gone into rehab. What are your thoughts on what it takes to earn trust back and how long especially when it comes to something as important as the safety of your child.
Welcome Aowen. I am happy that he has Has completed a rehab program and would like to suggest that the answer to his question can be found by understanding the disease of alcoholism.
To answer your husband's question. I think I would ask him a question, I would ask him when does he think it would be ready to assume the responsibility for our daughter's life? and what has he learned that would make him act differently? That would open the door to conversation and an ability to make decisions
AA is a recovery program that has much success with people pursuing recovery from the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon a recovery program for r family members because by living with the disease we also become affected in a negative fashion and need a program of recovery.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal, threefold disease. It affects the mind body and spirit, and once the drinking stops, then the mind and spirit must also develop a recovery program.
Al-Anon, for family members holds face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages. It is here I learned to place the focus on to myself, live one day at a time, Re acquaint myself again with my assets and allow my self-esteem and self-worth to blossom. We are powerless over the disease of alcoholism, so that is what is important for us focus on our own self in our own behavior.
My husband was in rehab many, many times, and when he returned, he always resumed driving and going to work immediately..
Good Luck and please do attend face to face meetings
Aloha Aowen and welcome to the board good to have you here and you have already received good suggestions from Betty. The family dysfunction needs to be understood in order that you get a complete understanding of what and how this disease has caused so much negative anxiety in your family relationship. God did I get confused ab out that question when I first arrived at Al-Anon...."Shes the one that drinks and uses why do I have to work at this"? I learned later that I was born and raised in the disease and being married to and living with addicted women and others was natural for me and I had to change it.
If he is asking when can he drive the daughter around I would say that his focus is way beyond sobriety. Does he even understand the disease? Does he know that it is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions that can only be arrested by total abstinence? If he doesn't seriously understand (not just shake his head and say yes) that he has a mind and mood altering fatal disease He ought keep himself out of all cars and away from all children. How long has he drank alcoholically and how much time has he not drank at all because it is dangerous to his health and life and the health and lives of others?
This disease is cunning powerful and baffling and fatal...it kills and not only the alcoholic. I would understand his question about driving your daughter as, "When can I start going out again"?
Betty's suggestion of Al-Anon face to face meetings is a seriously important one. Go to the white pages and look up the number for Al-Anon and call to see where and when we get together in your area and come out as early as you can. Do not hand him the keys to the car and your daughter's life. Call his counselor and ask for honest feedback regarding his chances at staying alcohol free (remember that statement) and sober. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
He has drank since he was 16 and he is now 45 so a long time. he has had an actual full blown addiction problem I know of for at least the last 9 years. he got caught drunk driving and went to rehab for the first time ever 2 and a half weeks ago. he gets out tomarrow and is all gung ho on getting back to work and getting his life and my life back under control. he says Me and the kids need to work on making structure around the house to help him maintain his sobriety and he says I need to work on my trust issues and let him drive his daughter again because he did his time in recovery.
I'm not even close to ready to hand my child over to him while he is behind the wheel but I'm not exactly sure what I should say to him because I know he is going to keep pressing me about it and all I can think of is to keep deflecting.
I would simply say that in an effort to comply with his request to make structure around the house, you have decided to attend alanon face to face meetings. You feel that you can develop healthy tools to live so you two can be partners walking side by side and not one controlling the other.
Welcome Aowen,
I agree with the others that Alanon would be a great program for you to learn how to deal with your husbands alcoholism and sobriety. 14 days is not a very long rehab program. Most of them are at least 28 days to 90 days. Normally, anyone coming out of a rehab program would have a plan for working their recovery. That can be out patient sessions and a program like AA. You can make his driving contingent on him working a program for a few more weeks. It is a strange request for someone in rehab. Unless, he use to take her out often and is missing those occasions. I would be leery of that. Good luck, glad you found us.
My husband comes out of his 14 day rehab program tomarrow. He is already asking me when he will get to drive our daughter aground again. I'm not comfortable with allowing him to drive her anywhere any time soon because he has been drunk driving for years and this is the very first time he has ever gone into rehab. What are your thoughts on what it takes to earn trust back and how long especially when it comes to something as important as the safety of your child.
I had to make the same decision, have the same conversation, etc. -- when my AW came out of rehab. However, she went to a 7 day detox, a 30 day rehab, and then stayed for an extra 30 days...because that was all that was suggested and she agreed and wanted it. Point being -- as soon as she got home, I watched who she was being. Was she glad to be home, went back to her old ways, although not drinking, wanted to get back to normal, and so on...or did she change. Was she committed to a life of recovery, going to meetings, making positive and healthy changes, and striving to live a life of sobriety and recovery. I had nothing to do with it. All I did was watch and learn...that her actions were congruent with her words. My wife wasn't already asking me when she could drive the kids, when she could take her places, do things with her, etc. My wife was focused, laser precision focused, on staying clean and sober. Period. Staying clean and sober, living a healthy life, a life of recovery, wasn't important -- it was the most important thing in her life. It was the most important thing -- the only thing she focused on before she came home, the moment she came home, and the day she came home. And she did that one day at a time.
I found it easy to see who she was being. I was easily able to see what was important to her. Independent of that -- I was not comfortable allowing her to drive the kids on day one, or two, or soon. On day one I saw who she was being. I saw how she was living. When she got settled, got grounded, got a solid, good foundation under her, and I saw her starting to get comfortable "living" -- the topic came up and we both felt comfortable.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
The fact that he is pressuring you like this suggests that he has not gone very far in his recovery. He seems to think it's "Flip a switch, everything is back to normal." That kind of denial is typical of alcoholism. They pressure us to pretend that everything is hunky-dory and that their drinking never had much of an effect.
Myself, I would wait at least a year of real, obvious, hard-working sobriety and recovery before letting him drive kids. The first year of sobriety is rocky and more people have slips than not. In fact sadly the majority of drinkers give up on recovery during the first year. I hope this is not the case in your husband's situation, but it shows that it is wise for you to be cautious. It is much better to be safe than sorry.
In my experience, if they start drinking again, we don't have to get them to confess it, because soon they won't be able to hide it. Not letting him drive the kids during this time period takes the pressure off of you having to monitor him and second-guess him all the time. You can let things unfold as they will.
I used to say to my A (who always drank secretly), "Of course I have no idea whether you've been drinking or not. But my responsibility is to our kid. And I have to use my best judgement to err on the side of his safety. So unless I am satisfied that you have been sober for a long, long time, I cannot take the risk. You may blame me for my caution but my responsibility is to our child."
They get angry and bluster and yell and blame in an effort to control us. They want their alcoholism to look like something that can be turned off instantly and that has no repercussions on the people around it. My A pushed back when I refused to go along with the pretense. But after a while of testing me, he realized I wasn't going to budge. He would roll his eyes like I was the most unreasonable person on earth, but I stayed firm.
I have a question, if he got caught drunk driving, why did they not take his license away? (I'm not sure what the laws are where you live.) Anyway, it sounds like rehab was to appease the law. If he was serious about recovery and sobriety, he would understand that earning back your trust will take time.
Then he has to wait at least until he gets his license back. If it were me, I would see what kind of program he works between now and when he gets it back.
My husband comes out of his 14 day rehab program tomarrow. He is already asking me when he will get to drive our daughter aground again. I'm not comfortable with allowing him to drive her anywhere any time soon because he has been drunk driving for years and this is the very first time he has ever gone into rehab. What are your thoughts on what it takes to earn trust back and how long especially when it comes to something as important as the safety of your child.
Aowen76 wrote:
they did take his licence but he says they will give them back in 30 days then he should be able to drive her according to him
Just to get some clarity -- is he asking? Or is he saying?
We don't give advice here, but based upon my own experience and observations, he's coming out of this 14 day rehab and he's not focused on living a life of sobriety, not focused on being clean and sober, not focused on himself and doing what he needs to do to get/stay healthy, clean and sober, etc.
Before he gets out of rehab...and this is what he's asking or saying? Well, while you can't judge on that, it doesn't sound very positive to me.
Where I live, first offense DWI/DUI, no questions asked, no deviation from the sentencing guidelines, no discretion, nothing...6 months loss of license (might be 7, I don't remember). Period.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
He said..... "I'm going to go to a half way house when I get out and imediatley start back working and I will get my licence back in 15 days and all I'll have to do is some community service and they will let me drive again so, now when I get my licence back are you going to let me drive my daughter to do something?" I said you aren't even out of rehab yet I think its too early to make any promises on the future, he said that's what I thought you would say I knew you weren't going to give in even if I got sober cause you have trust issues and you need to work on your trust issues because I'm doing my part. I said I didn't want to argue with him but it was way to early to having that conversation. He sounded adgitated but then he apologized and said we wouldn't keep that conversation on hold for now and then he asked me if I would pay his 200 deposit and first 100 on his rent to go into the half way house this sat. I said I would think about it. I'm iffy about weather I should pay that too cause I'm not sure if that is enableing him or not. since its money going to a half way house which is toward his sobriety and not toward his drinking is that enableing?
Enabling is defined as doing for someone what they can and should do for themselves. Only you can decide if helping him pay for the rent at a halfway house is affordable and within your family budget.
We do not give advise in alanon because we believe in encouraging every member to go" within", using alanon tools and find the right answer for their lives. It certainly sounds as if he is taking additional action to embrace his sobriety Please do search out meetings and attend
Halfway houses usually have very strict curfews and guidelines. One where I live doesn't even let you leave the house for the first 30 days unless it is to go to a meeting. As far as him saying he is sober, in my opinion being sober is a way of life, not just 'not having drank in x number of days'. As far as the rent for the halfway house, keep in mind that if he decides to not stay, you are out that money, so you need to think about whether you want to risk spending that money on him.
As to Bo's comment, in my state, 120 days loss of license on first offense. Then you may need to have a breathalyzer put in your car which means you can't even start the car unless you blow into it and it reads no alcohol. Even though I didn't drink, I still had to use it to start the car. Went through it with my exA. Not fun.
It really depends on the state .. my XAH lost his license for 18 months because he refused to blow .. which then means an automatic DUI .. of course he got the information from the DUI club NOT to blow if he got pulled over .. I think he was really under the impression that's all he had to do .. there was a forced blood draw that for some reason he's got luckard luck and I had to laugh because it didn't get included in the DUI. Drunk past the legal limit doesn't cut it we are talking he should have been in a coma for his blood levels. He really tried to work that .. now he could have driven IF we put a blower in the car however it was MY car and NO .. he doesn't need to drive not to mention for us we were talking 1200$ install on top of a monthly 250$ charge not including the SCRAM charge 350 - 400 MONTHLY. My X still tries to say that DUI didn't cost that much and I totally beg to differ it SUCKED BADLY. It was a horrible blow financially and I wasn't working at the time.
He did get his license back after 18 months .. he had to also complete other things no mandatory AA I was not happy about that now I look back what good would it have done.
Please keep in mind this was his 3rd DUI .. unfortunately the way the system is set up .. you afford a good attorney, the attorney can make the DUI go away. His brother paid 35k to make one go away and it's not on his record. This last DUI was reduced to a reckless driving. AND if he gets another one it will be counted as #2 although my understanding is that because of the original ticket being a DUI it's actually going to count as #3 which should be #4 however who's counting right??
As far as the kids I think that Hotrod had some amazing phrasing of what are very good solid questions. My XAH was not to be in the truck with the kids if he was drinking and trust me .. the jackass tested me and I pulled no punches. MY children's safety comes first.always. .. he's not of sound mind to make good decisions NO he's not going to be driving around with the kids in a car .. I did not allow him to drive the kids during a very specific time and he was not allowed (legally) to leave the county with them in a vehicle. I know I'm a total hard a$$ however that is not a call I'm prepared to get because of his poor decision making.
NOW .. today .. if he were to see the kids he would be allowed to drive with them. I don't think they would be to excited about it considering they have no relationship with him and we live out of state.
I totally digressed about this post however I know more about IL law both family and criminal than I should and not be an attorney that was my experience in the system.
Good luck and I hope you are able to figure out what works for you .. no is a complete sentence and why is he in such a hurry to drive your daughter around .. it just is like there has been no time .. one week of good behavior doesn't erase the last 15 years of poor decision making .. I don't see that as unforgiving .. I see that as hellooo .. we need more action than words at this point before I can make an informed decision about what to do next.
hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
thank you all your info helps a lot. I have been to loads of al anon meetings in different towns and it helped me detatch my feelings while he was drunk but now that he is going through treatment things are changing and its new territory. But nobody at al-anon meetings I've ever went to was much help about me and my kids growing up with alcoholic issues because they were all parents of alcoholics and not husbands and wives of alcoholics so non of them could really identify with my issues regaurding the children. I was surprised actually that there were no moms with young or even school aged children there I'm not sure why.
(((Aowen76))) - in my situation, I made it very clear that I had a zero tolerance for any driving of the children under any influence. As such, I did more than my fair share of driving, delivering, carpooling, etc. I made it perfectly clear that if I had any suspicions, I would not confront my AH but just contact the law with his plate numbers and driving routes.
There are many issues where I had issues with boundaries. This is not one of them as I could clearly/easily align myself with the laws of the land. I did not look for proof, ask questions or even 'try to catch a wiff....' - I just trusted my gut. After all, I know all to well when my qualifiers are under the influence. As far as his attitude, words, etc. towards me (often dismissive or mean), that could not be a part of my processing because that changes it from a protection intent boundary to a punitive action.
It's not an easy place to be in and I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I will suggest your response was spot on - as we work on recovery, we truly begin to understand the value and intent of One Day at a Time. He's projecting and that's OK - his program - not yours. You have every right to continue One Day at a Time whether anyone else does or not.
If the center he is at offers family reintegration counseling perhaps this is a great topic to present for discussion/agreements. I can say that the best outcome of treatment center departure plans was an agreement on what I was willing to support and what I was concerned about supporting. Having a 3rd party often helped us move over speed bumps that were distracting from recovery.
Your concerns appear to be valid. Work with the program tools and sponsor to be able to set a boundary you can live with! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He said..... "I'm going to go to a half way house when I get out and imediatley start back working and I will get my licence back in 15 days and all I'll have to do is some community service and they will let me drive again so, now when I get my licence back are you going to let me drive my daughter to do something?" I said you aren't even out of rehab yet I think its too early to make any promises on the future, he said that's what I thought you would say I knew you weren't going to give in even if I got sober cause you have trust issues and you need to work on your trust issues because I'm doing my part. I said I didn't want to argue with him but it was way to early to having that conversation. He sounded adgitated but then he apologized and said we wouldn't keep that conversation on hold for now and then he asked me if I would pay his 200 deposit and first 100 on his rent to go into the half way house this sat. I said I would think about it. I'm iffy about weather I should pay that too cause I'm not sure if that is enableing him or not. since its money going to a half way house which is toward his sobriety and not toward his drinking is that enableing?
Of course he said that -- blame, deflection, denial, and so on. He's still "in his disease" and that's what he's doing.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Halfway houses usually have very strict curfews and guidelines. One where I live doesn't even let you leave the house for the first 30 days unless it is to go to a meeting. As far as him saying he is sober, in my opinion being sober is a way of life, not just 'not having drank in x number of days'. As far as the rent for the halfway house, keep in mind that if he decides to not stay, you are out that money, so you need to think about whether you want to risk spending that money on him.
As to Bo's comment, in my state, 120 days loss of license on first offense. Then you may need to have a breathalyzer put in your car which means you can't even start the car unless you blow into it and it reads no alcohol. Even though I didn't drink, I still had to use it to start the car. Went through it with my exA. Not fun.
Absolutely. I could not agree with you more. Thank you for posting this.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
He said..... "I'm going to go to a half way house when I get out and imediatley start back working and I will get my licence back in 15 days and all I'll have to do is some community service and they will let me drive again so, now when I get my licence back are you going to let me drive my daughter to do something?" I said you aren't even out of rehab yet I think its too early to make any promises on the future, he said that's what I thought you would say I knew you weren't going to give in even if I got sober cause you have trust issues and you need to work on your trust issues because I'm doing my part. I said I didn't want to argue with him but it was way to early to having that conversation. He sounded adgitated but then he apologized and said we wouldn't keep that conversation on hold for now and then he asked me if I would pay his 200 deposit and first 100 on his rent to go into the half way house this sat. I said I would think about it. I'm iffy about weather I should pay that too cause I'm not sure if that is enableing him or not. since its money going to a half way house which is toward his sobriety and not toward his drinking is that enableing?
As far as the enabling -- the traditional definition of enabling is doing something for someone else that they could/should do for themselves. However, enabling is not just about a myopic, simple definition. It can take on many forms, deviations, etc. Another form of enabling is your actions, your role, your contribution, which may be perpetuating a situation. Another form of enabling is not allowing the person to feel/experience the consequences of their decisions and actions. There's more.
Be that as it may, there is no simple answer to your question. You need to talk to your sponsor, who knows your situation intimately and thoroughly, so that they can provide you with insight, perspective, guidance, and objectivity. All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
