The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You may remember that my ex-AH is staying with us temporarily. I've been sick so that's been an extra stress. But tonight all my hard-earned emotional health just fell apart.
To make a long story short, he did several of the kind of things he used to do. For instance, he need to file an extension for his taxes (because, typically, he's such a mess that he's lost all his tax materials and can't file in time), so I printed out the forms for him. In gathering them up he gathered up my own forms and then he went out and left the whole shebang at a coffee shop, where it had disappeared before he went back to get it. With my name and address and social security number and everything.
Also he set fire to the cutting board. I won't even go into how this happened. But you can see that it's the chaos you would expect of someone who lives in chaos. So I come back and there is smoke all over the house...
I won't go into the other stuff because my point is not to complain about this and that specifically. Except that he used the same old unhealthy habits of deflection - "You're so paranoid, you should get some help for that" - "I was only trying to do you a favor by..." "It's really your fault because you made me..." And so on. No simple "I messed up, I am sorry."
So he was back in his bad old habits and my part in it was that then I jumped right back into mine and blew up at him. I threw him out. This is the first time our child has ever seen us arguing and I think he was pretty taken aback.
So much for "Don't react" and "When in doubt, don't," and all those things. Good thing it's "Progress Not Perfection" because I am a long way from Perfection.
(((hugs))) Maybe you can view this from a positive perspective - maybe you've had less hands-on practice with something like this lately, which means your life has gotten better!
None of us will ever be perfect but we strive to make US better. We continue to learn to take care of ourselves so the decisions we make in life are worth it and makes sense. If I continued to try and take care of somebody else I was just bring me down.
I couldn't change them.....I could only change me.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Aw mattie you did really well. Don't be hard on yourself and maybe you showed your son that it's OK to have a limit at times. I get triggered too when alcoholism is walking around unchecked in my life. It's bigger than me and it wins every time. I have a hard enough time with recovering from this goddam disease without a single human near me. I think it's back to the drawing board over and over for us on this recovery journey.
Mattie big hugs and you are still many hero for being willing to try .. Nope .. Not perfect .. Welcome to the human race .. No one said it was easy. ;) yup progress not perfection. If it makes you feel better .. I have SO much work to do in regards to my ex .. If the man was on fire and I had to pee.. I'm not sure I would put forth the effort to do that to put him put of his firy misery .. Sigh .. I'm not even willing to be willing in this moment .. Someday .. Not today. ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi, Mattie, so sorry this happened. In my opinion, be gentle with yourself. Setting a fire and losing your tax forms is a pretty big deal. Anyone would be upset.
((Mattie)) Be very gentle with yourself. You endured many days in the insanity and your tools were remarkable. Progress not perfection my dear friend and remember we are all imperfectly human.
(((Mattie))) As with so many other anecdotes i've lived and read here, nobody should be subjected to that.
So you lost your cool under completely stressing circumstances.
You got this.
In support
I am sorry this is happening. I would not let my sober ex-A stay at my house. He is so needy. You have a big heart. All you can do is learn from this and take it one day at a time.
