The material presented
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Tonight I couldn't help myself. My AH called around the time he was supposed to be home to say "oh still at the office having an important meeting" (yes like almost every night, and these meetings are always at a bar) - he swore up and down he was still at the office and not a bar. Annoyed I moved on, but then he butt dialed me - I listed to 10 minutes of rowdy bar background noise and I thought "finally I can make my point, that he was lying" - so stupid of me, I should known that even if something is red he will say it's blue. He is big on gas lightning and he went in about I was completely wrong and no idea what I was even talking about. He started trying to pick a fight and he took money out of our account to "get my attention" and now he has disappeared - I immediately stopped engaging after he took the money, so I am happy about that. It's so hard, it's so hopeless. the lying and the gas lighting used to make me crazy, but all your stories have really helped me to see that it's a waste of energy and I know the truth and that is where I can find peace. Anyway, I just needed to vent. Still scrambling to find a way to get to f2f meetings. Soon I hope. Thanks for all the support on here.
I am so sorry you are going through this .. it's not something people sign up for and say woo hoo .. let's see what a relationship with an addict looks like .. gas lighting sounds like a great time add a plethora of other dysfunction and we will have soooo much fun!! Ask a 6 year old what they want to be when they grow up .. an alcoholic isn't on the top 10 let alone on the top 1,000,000 of where they see themselves as an adult.
When I stand quietly in my truth let go on the need to be right .. I can find my own path that is just for me. You are doing great .. I know it's hard at times.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I know how strong the urge to prove that we know we are being lied to is. The thing is, he already knows that you know he is lying. When you bring it up, you give him an opportunity to keep lying until he "wins". Or that was my experience. When I stopped making any attempt to call people out on their lies and started simply saying "OK" to whatever obvious bull they were handing me, I took away the invitation to hand me even more. Someone lies to me. I nod and say "OK". I know they are lying and they know I know they are lying, but I haven't picked it up. I've left it with them to worry about and deal with. I find a lot of peace in that. Understanding that arguing was a form of enabling was a huge eye opener for me.
I think I finally understood it when I read "Getting Them Sober". That, and some of the other excellent literature out there might be helpful while you are struggling to get to meetings?
Thanks for the response, I am learning not to engage or call him out on his constant dishonesty, it was hard at first but getting much easier. It's been quite a while since we have argued like this. It definitely fuels him doing whatever he wants and act out. I completely relate MissM! It's just amazing when he accidentally called from the bar I momentarily forgot because "this was so concrete" and sure enough, it just went sideways. I am learning slowly. I am going to keep making changes to our finances to keep myself protected and not engage with him over perceived realities or proving that he is lying to me. Thanks for listening.
