The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can tell you what detaching means to me. For me to detach means I take my hands off other people's problems; especially the "a". I put the energy and focus back on me and allow the "a" to live his life and make his choices. If his choices affect me I will let him know directly how it affects me and ask for what I need. If he doesn't change it, give it, whatever, then I find an alternative to meet my needs. When I detach I feel human again, I have more energy and vitality to take care of myself. Detach means you let someone fall on their ass and not save them from their consequences of their own actions. Detach with love means I stay out of his business even if I don't like what he's doing, I can still love him and feel compassion for him.
Detaching is a hard task, I'm still practicing at it. For years I had been able to grasp this concept, but now I feel I have a better handle on it and applying it to my everyday life. It's been a good experience so far. Hope this helps. Have a great day.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
First I want to say welcome to the board! For me, detaching means being able to separate the A from the person. For me that means realizing that my mom(the A in my life) is separate from the Alcoholic in her. When she says certain things I detach by thinking is this my mom talking or is it the A in her talking? and then once I realize which part it is I act certain ways if it's my mom talking and differently if it is the A in her talking. I hope this made sense and was helpful.
To me detaching from my husband's addiction mean that I respect him enough to live his own life, make his own decisions and fix his own problems. I need to allow him to feel the pain from his mistakes without trying to fix everything for him. I can love him yet feel compassion when I think about him and his having a disease that he didn't ask for. I can love him but separate him from his addiction. I want to be a part of his life and grow old together, but want nothing to do with drinking and drugging. I can ask him to meet my needs, but if he can't then I have to get my needs meet in some other fashion. For me, the biggest part of detaching was to realize that my expectations of him were letting me down. He was not letting me down, he was being himself and doing the best he could with this terrible disease. I was letting myself down by expecting things he either wasn't capable of or willing to do.
It's very difficult. It took me years just to understand the concept and I have to practice the concept every day. Some days I do well and some days I don't. I get better at it the more I learn and understand. I have learned that detaching is me not enabling him.
I think the previous opinions are all good and valid. For me, it has become somewhat of a pretend life when my AW is drinking. When she is sober I enjoy our time together and try to lead as normal of a life is possible. When she starts drinking, I pretty much pretend that she just is not there and do all of the things I would normally do if she really wasn't there at the time. In other word, I just let her do her thing and I do mine without having much interaction. Before I discovered this site, I was doing that kind of thing without realizing that I was doing a form of detaching from my A and her drinking. For me at least, it has not been easy to learn to do that and I cannot say that it works all of the time. Sometimes I want to yell, scream, complain, beg, etc., but I have and am learning that it does no good and only makes me feel worse. Hope that helps a little.
I think detachment is one of the hardest aspects of the program to practice. It goes against everything some of us were taught and believed.
Alanon has a pamphlet titled Detachment. It like all the other little pamphlets are worth picking up. From the pamphlet...
We leg go of our obsession w/ another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageble lives; lives guides by a Power greater than ourselves.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people............
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves..............
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or codemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allosws us to seperate ourselves..............
Those are just a few snippets. I tried to give you a taste of what the pamphlet has to offer w/o overstepping the quoting guidelines.
For me the doing for others what they could do for themselves was a big one for me. It was two fold. In doing those things I grew angry and resentful for doing them. THEY should be doing them. I said yes when I wanted to say no. Also what I've learned in this program and it's being reinforced in other areas of my life as well now is that by doing these things, we rob the A of their sucesses and failures.
Why care if we suceed or fail of someone always picks up the pieces and protects us from our bottom. More cunning of the our disease though, and again opposite of what we have been taught is that we we do those things w/ the A could do......we rob them of their sucesses too.
I know I've heard people say the phrase, "I can't do anything right". Well that is true also when nobody lets you do anything. You never allow them to build their esteem.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Welcome, I could also try to define detaching but I will leave that to the Al-anon literature. I can only tell you that detachment can be a wonderful thing if done right. I have been learning detachment since I came here in 2004, I want to let you know one thing though that I lost in translation and only later on discovered, detaching for me was to stop doing for the a and others what they could do for themselves usless they expressed their need for me to help. It also meant choosing what I would and wouldn't do for others so that I didn't do things I didn't want to do just because I was asked. But what I failed to put in place was detaching with love. That is the hard part. It was easy for me to hear my a complain about his problems and simple detach by staying that is your problem. But that wasn't with love it was just shutting him off. It is only now that I realize that when my a tells me these things I don't need to solve the problem for him whether that is what he is asking for or not but I can acknowledge his feelings and express symphathy, which is a challenge for me but very important for both my healing and his.
Thanks for sharing and I hope this helps. There is a lot of literature you can get from Al-anon on this subject that will really help, detaching is a big part of your recovery.
Detaching is a thing that is difficult to do. To me it means removing myself from my A's problems and addiction. It means looking after me, and allowing his HP to look after him. You can love your A to bits; I do...but you must not allow yourself to become crazier and sicker than he is. Detachment helps keep that from happening.
It's been a hard thing for me, and in some ways I am still very much attached. But I am trying and learning, and I think I have become a stronger person in the process.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
The first time my family came to stay with us after we got married (my adult brothers were to meet my a for the first time), he came home wasted. We had to go to the airport in 20 minutes. I was WAY crazier than he was. I could just see everyone thinking what's her problem? it was so unfair! in a panic, what can I do? I flashed on the Serenity Prayer and I changed the one I could. I detached. I didn't know how until that minute. I was able to introduce him to my family with love in my heart - and we had a very good weekend. I un-hitched my value as a human and sister from his behavior. I had a visit with these guys I'd known my whole life and left the a to join us or be by himself. He wasn't my focus, but I was happy if he wanted to join us. I didn't punish him. I was sane. I learned that weekend. I credit alanon. Jill
Hi - as a newbie I have just started to "come to" with only 8 months in the program, but as I understand detachment,
Other persons places and things are not my responsibility, and I am so relieved to finally understand and know that. As an adult child, I learned an exaggerated since of responsibility as the "oldest" from my mother, also an adult child, and the "oldest" of her siblings, as well. It was so easy to convince myself that everything was my fault, that I just didnt try hard enough to influence an outcome to a result that I desired. My caretaker skills were honed from birth, and in Al-Anon I am learning to take care of me first instead of always last, and realise that I am not responsible and can detach. Let people do their own thing, regardless of what you truly think is best for them. It is not up to you to decide, and isnt that a great thing? God can have his job back, and I'll get out of his way.
I am learning to mind my own business, "Live and Let Live". That is a very difficult thing for a lifelong caretaker, fixer, Dear Abby type to do, but it is possible, and so liberating. It is not up to me to fix other people, places and things. Learning to detach is a skill that you need practise, like a lot of the program's tools. Practicing using any tools leads to skill in using them. I find myself estatic when I have been successful in applying a tool to a situation that I have never handled well in the past. Good luck.
