The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
what is denial and what does it look like in daily life? detachment with love? when is it denial and when is it detachment and how do i tell the difference.
Detachment with love for me is allowing other people to be where they are and not have to fix them.
Denial for me is ignoring the problem and pretending everything is fine.
My XAH had 3 DUI's .. he will tell you all day long he's only ever had 2 (I don't know why that is better than 3 .. LOL!!! He actually argued with someone about the fact he had a reckless driving to have the woman pat him on the hand and say no honey .. your ticket was a DUI that's how it is in the system.) that's denial. Me allowing him to be in his truth is detachment .. I know the truth about how many DUI's he's had how a ticket was written and so on .. me being right was not important .. me knowing my truth is priceless.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Wow, what a great question! And what a great explanation!! Thank you both... that example helped explain detachment better to me in a smaller scope. I relate in that I struggle with my A's denial. I could give a million different examples on all sorts of different issues/actions/choices etc of his. But to accept that is HIS truth is His, that is powerful. I will chew on this today.
Thanks again!
Agree - great questions and lovely easy to understand answers....I can think of nothing to add other than denial runs big on both sides of the program. We deny a problem exists, and so do they. Denial lifts at different moment for different folks - each person has to come to their own truth on their own journey. We can't change another's denial any more than we can fix them...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This was a great question and a great response! I will share an example of my own denial....I didn't think my husband had a drinking problem for 12 years of our marriage. Despite the evidence I had seen to the contrary he was always the last person to leave a party because he wanted to keep drinking, his parents suggested to us he had a drinking problem, our recycling bin was overflowing with empties every week, he behaves erratically when drunk, he always has to have access to alcohol and when he doesn't have access he gets antsy, agitated, frustrated. I could go on and on. Despite knowing it on some level I just couldn't see it. His parents would tell him they thought he had a drinking problem and I thought it was laughable. Even after I started to think there was a problem and go to Al Anon my brain kept wanting to think...no he's not really an alcoholic maybe he just drinks like a regular guy. On some level I think I didn't want to see it or wasn't ready to see it and he is still in denial about it I believe so that added to it. But when I gained awareness it took a while to really accept it. I would pull my head out of the sand long enough to see it then stick it back in again. For me I came out of denial in waves. I like to think of it as the tide bringing me into shore lol. Detachment is just as Serenity said it allowing him to be in his truth and me to be in mine. That was really hard for me when I became more aware. I did a lot of finger pointing, counting, trying to prove it to him. That created more tension between us but it really did help me see WOW he really is in denial.....he believes whole heartedly that he is fine. The difference between how I acted in denial and how I act in detachment is I don't fool myself any longer. I trust my own opinion. And naturally I don't engage in the weird enabling behaviour I used to such as helping him make excuses for his behaviour when drunk that have nothing to do with alcohol. Funny side note I thought so many of my meals weren't cooked right because of how much he threw up at the end of the night lol. With me being out of denial but not running full force at him trying to "make him see" the truth it has calmed down our relationship. I feel more sane. That is the gift awareness and detachment have given me.
Excellent answers. I do not feel as though I am in denial when it comes to the alcoholic but I thought I had the ability to detach, I'm not doing so well at that lately, so I guess MY denial is that I have yet to gain the strength to detach.
For me, Denial was my refusing to accept the reality of my life and situation. I would say to myself and others "oh it is not so bad-he is a great person."-- all the time i was in extreme pain and filled with anger, resentment and self pity.
Detachment for me worked when I finally accepted the reality of my marriage and the disease of alcoholism, understood I was powerless and decided to help myself in a constructive manner using alanon tools and principles.There is a reading in the AA Big Book that states"Acceptance is the key " and I agree
I love the portion of the AA Big Book regarding Acceptance....my very first sponsor had me memorize this and How it Works, also from the Big Book....
For those who want it -
Acceptance
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition p. 417
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think for different people, denial can take on many forms and have many faces. Sure, typically, in generic terms, and I don't like being generic, it is not facing the reality of a situation. Seems simple enough. It can also mean ignoring or denying that there is a problem. However, for me, early on, pre-recovery, denial was something a bit different. I would say I was detaching, but I wasn't. I would say I was not enabling, but I was. I would say I was "minding my own business" and not getting sucked into the drama, chaos, turmoil, etc., of the other person or that the other person was creating -- but I wasn't minding my own business; and not only was I getting sucked in, I was even volunteering to "jump into" all of the drama, chaos, turmoil, etc.
I would vacillate, rationalize, and justify what I was doing -- and would adamantly say I wasn't enabling, was detaching, and so on. However, that was me having to be in denial -- and that was part of my sickness. I had gotten to a point where I was, had to be, immersed in what was going on with the other person. I was so "in it" that I couldn't even see it.
Our denial -- as it relates to us -- can be very strong. Some people are in denial to avoid pain, because of fear, or it can be many other reasons. As it relates to detachment, I've often said that there are two types of detachment -- physical and emotional. For some, neither of them might be easy. Early on physical detachment for me was impossible. After learning, more importantly, after I got a true and meaningful handle on acceptance, then physical detachment became very easy. However, emotional detachment was brutally hard. I had to learn to focus on me, focus on the very next thing in front of me -- simply so that I wasn't constantly thinking about the other person. I had to learn how to change my thinking process so that my mind didn't race and so that it didn't become my own worst enemy. It may sound strange, perhaps a little hokey or something -- but it worked. It really and truly did. There was a breakthrough moment/experience, and it worked. Then, I learned emotional detachment and was able to do it. The other secret was that I learned it became simple and easy...when I did it one day at a time. It was one incident, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time...but one day when I thought I was losing my mind, I got on the phone with my sponsor....we talked and he got me to focus on the very next thing in front of me...and after a bit, he pointed something out to me...he pointed out that for the last ten minutes, I didn't talk about her. I didn't think about her. I didn't focus on her. Not at all! My sponsor pointed out to me that I had just done it for ten individual, successive, 60-second intervals...he then he said now we go onto the 11th one...and he told me that is how we get better...one minute at a time.
Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
