The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post, I've read many of yours and hope I'm following group guidelines. I've been to two meetings the last two weeks after avoiding them for months. I suppose I don't want to admit that this is my new normal, that this did indeed happen in my life. I have an AH who was mostly sober for 13 years, now imploding. Daily drinking, stealing pain medications, having affairs for the last 9 months. Every week it's something new. We have two children who are aware of Dad's drinking but probably not the extent or damage of it. Driving drunk, smoking pot when his job does random UAs, walking the thin line.
I haven't said a word in my meetings yet. I don't have any answers, wisdom, or strategies yet And know the focus is on me and not the alcoholic. I don't know the next step to take. I miss being happy and I just can't seem to find joy anywhere As I'm in a constant state of worry.
We aren't in any danger from him, he's not mean or violent. I'm just not sure how to adjust to this new life.
I very much appreciate the wisdom in posts before mine. I suppose my only question would be how did you start to heal yourself and your home while staring this stupid disease in the face every evening?
Thank you all for sharing what you do. I suspect there are many like me who read and don't post and your words are much appreciated.
foomamapop - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined in.....as you are discovering, alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that is never cured. It can be treated with abstinence and recovery. It's considered a family disease as most who live with or love an alcoholic are affected. We usually develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and distorted thinking in response to the disease around us.
Al-Anon is the only answer I found for my own situation. I had to let go of my own expectations of what 'normal' is - because it is what I make it. I started small in doing things different that I enjoyed - leaving the 'elephant in the room to do what he's going to do'. I went to as many meetings as possible, considered one day (at times, one moment) only at a time and started practicing what others suggested as well as reading literature.
It often seems impossible yet recovery happens all the time around us. We focus on progress, not perfection and we try to keep the focus on us vs. them and what they are/are not doing. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Foomamapop))) hi. i love your subject line as i feel the same way. welcome to this place. i'm relatively new also... and tho circumstances are different, there is much i can relate to in what you share.
when i found out my partner relapsed, i went to my first meeting. i started slowly, attending, staying on the outskirts, LISTENING and learning from people's experiences. i can say now it's been very helpful. i do not know where i'll land... not sure what i want in terms of my relationship (engaged - he was sober when we met, relapsed about 2 years into a 6 year relationship, is sober now but underlying issues remain and he's not "sober-acting" - also non-violent, biggest issues are insecurity, lack of trust and self-sabotage).
i highly recommend meetings. you don't have to talk. there's no pressure to do anything. and you don't need strategies or answers in order to share - on the contrary. i think even apart from the substance issue, the program contains strength and wisdom and a healthy recipe for healthy living in general, for everyone. and the people in that room understand what you're facing better than the average person outside of the rooms.
as for healing, there's some bizarre comfort in realizing that you didn't cause it, you can't control it or cure it. that he has to come to his own aid. that actions have consequences... for all of us, and that is the natural way of things. our protecting our loved ones from consequences ultimately does more damage than good. i still struggle with this, of course, as it is natural to love and support one's partner and sometimes this work - this substance problem - seems to turn that all upside down. living in topsy turvy land is very exhausting.
keep coming back and do your best to focus on yourself daily... treat yourself with love and kindness and try to maintain that focus on yourself rather than on him... easier said than done, but that is an important part of our work here.
That's the thing with alcoholism and why i really accept the disease model. It never goes away and can rear its ugly head again after decades as if it never left, just picks up where it left off. Im sorry for your situation. The three c's, didn't cause it, can't cure it nor control it.
Me, I'm all for women taking control of what they can, and finances are a big one as this disease progresses. I'd be looking at forming a plan B, just in case. And hitting meetings to either rebuild or preserve self esteem , by learning detachment. Great that you reached out, isolation is a huge help to staying sick. Keep coming back.
Aloha Foomamapop and welcome to the family. I am in agreement about meetings and also a supporter of education about this disease we are touched by and live in and participate with. This disease is progressive. If not arrested by total abstinence it will always get worse never better. Unfortunately it is a severely strong compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body. Once the addiction takes hold the drinking does its own thing regardless of the repulsion from others affected. We are the others who are affected and Al-Anon is for us. Without it we experience an insanity no one wants to live with. Keep coming back this works when we work it. (((((hugs)))))
