The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had the most ridiculous conversation with my drunk mother.
When she dies, she wants champagne and flowers and she doesn't ever want to be buried with the spiders and the slimy things and yuk.
Then she spoke of my death like it's going to happen next week. She asked me to plan my tombstone. What do I want it to say? I'm not planning to die any time soon, mum. I don't care what it says; I won't be here when I die. Will you?
Far out. I'm not a great mother. I am childish and selfish and I get it wrong all the time.. I'm a long way from perfect. But I love my child and I take my life seriously and I do my level best to give the best I can. I work hard on being the best version of myself that I can be. I want to show my kid how to live, not how to die.
I hate it when she talks to me about my life as if I've already died. I haven't freaking died..I'm 40 years old. The way they talk about it, I might as well dig a hole now and lay down in it.
I have a lot of years ahead of me, years to be a good mother. years to be happy. I'm so tired of people telling me what I will be. (dead, hopeless, sad). It makes me mad. And it makes me determined.
This is my life, and I'll do what I please with it. Maybe I'll even make it amazing. You never know. I know for sure that I will not waste it thinking about how crap I am, and planning to die.
Good morning Ms. M, as I read this posting, I was reminded of the fact that attempting to have an intelligent, productive conversation, with a drunk is a complete waste of time. When I interact with my family member , in the same condition, I immediately detach ,"yes" them to death and get off the phone. There is a reading in the ODA T that points out that we can learn from every interaction. It appears that you have learned from this exchange, and are determined to live your life with courage, love, compassion, and determination. I love how you validated your assets and know who you are and what you stand for .
Missed you and am glad that you are posting once again.
Sounds like you handled a tough situation well. Just Mom's alcoholism talking. Thankfully, you understand that and are not letting her project the feelings of negativity onto you. Yep, definitely the best way to combat this baffling disease is to live a happy, joyous and free life. I know it hurts to hear them talk this way - her fears coming out sideways. My own fear use to be that I would somehow in some way grow to be more and more like my alcoholic parent. I could see the better qualities they had and knew I shared those but feared I also had the negative ones. Working the steps and particularly looking at assets and defects helped. Sure I can exhibit some unacceptable behaviors just like my active alcoholic family members but not so much if I keep my Alanon program and my higher power in front of me. The program helps with awareness when I'm feeling out of balance. I can then call on my hp - let go and let god adjust my thinking. I like the way you used your own recovery for just such a purpose. The positive, life affirming talk in your post is a message of a higher power that offers unconditional love. It's a great empowerment tool.
I know alcohol is a depressant so it's not surprise that my sibling will sound self loathing and act like the world is against them when we speak. At times, they even seem to be in a place of cavalier self pity. Like you, I just listen and do my best not to take on these feelings on as my own. Misery likes company but it won't be getting mine.
Through working the program, I can feel compassion and even offer words of comfort without getting enmeshed in their stuff. There's a non CAL recovery reading that talks about recovering family members on one side of a bridge and unrecovering family members on the other side. The recovering family members try to coax the unrecovering to cross the bridge but are unsuccessful. They recovering family members choose to continue to grow to get healthy anyway. I like the reading because it reminds me of my right to be a separate person from my family members without guilt.
Thank you for sharing your recovery and as always for your service here. ((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 8th of April 2017 09:48:26 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I felt hurt reading your post. Probably because I can so relate to these crazy conversations from my own mother. It has helped me quite a lot to learn all I can in the Adult Children rooms.
As a child, telling mother NO was not an option. My brain can sometimes forget that today I am a grown woman who can have boundaries and I can say NO.... or STOP. Mom doesn't like boundaries (actually her disease doesn't like it, it wants all the control...) and it manipulates me by saying things like, "You don't love me anymore."
It is a skill to develop for sure. With as much kindness as I can, I must still hold to my boundaries because today I have a true desire to protect myself. today I know the answer to Al-anon's ultimate question of me, "To whom are you responsible?"
I had to hold FIRM boundaries in the very beginning until I developed a stronger sense of self...... a process. Then I loosened my boundaries up a bit. only then was I able to understand and offer kindness.
A faith in myself had to be developed first. Doing things for others at a detriment to myself is simply fear..... I am not meant to take care of others at a detriment to myself, that is not recovery.
Exercising these boundaries is hard for me but part of healing from the effects of alcoholism. I wish I didn't have to do it. But they protect me, they validate me, something others, including Mother simply cannot do for me. Mother still treats me like I'm invisible... like I don't really matter....
It is very healing for ME to stop going along with that.
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 8th of April 2017 01:44:00 PM
