The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing that keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind is how I teach others to treat me.
The biggest thing I ask myself is what would I say to my best friend if she came to me telling me the same story?
Since finding Alanon it is easier to be gentle with myself and ask harder questions in terms of if this was my best friend how would I handle the situation, then I make the decision to treat myself in that way. So if I'm telling my BFF be gentle with yourself you are doing the best you can .. do I believe that of myself or am I holding myself to a more ridged standard.
I love Maya Angelou's saying .. I respect myself and insist upon it from everybody. And because I do it, I then respect everybody, too.
It's a reminder for me that if I want respect I have to give it, I really do believe people when they show me who they are today. Expecting them to be something they are not is a disservice far greater to myself and unfair to the other person.
If my first reaction to someone's situation is to say oh no .. no my friend .. my friend deserves .. (fill in the blank) then guess what .. so do I.
What would you say if you heard your story from your very best friend?
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Good afternoon Serenity and thank you for your share and the reminder to not only respect others but ourselves as well. I love Maya Angelou's saying too and I'm going to copy that and write it in my Baby Blue under Respect. Beautiful day today and pleasant turn around from sleet and high winds yesterday. Going outside to enjoy and hope everyone has an enjoyable day too:)
-- Edited by Stan1 on Friday 7th of April 2017 01:06:20 PM
Oh I love this. I always tell people who say negative things about themselves that they shouldn't talk to themselves that way and use the best friend example. If I heard my story from my best friend I would tell her that she deserves to be happy and that she should do whatever it takes to be happy. Even if she has to make some hard decisions about things. Thanks for the reminder!! Have a great day!
For me, this is still a work in progress. As I am surrounded by my qualifiers, we are in a 'retraining' mode. I fully agree that things have improved greatly as I've clarified what I will and will not accept. Setting boundaries, detaching and taking time to pause and consider a response (or not) has helped greatly!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great thread I also found that if I validated myself without invalidating others and did not "react "to the insanity it helped to set the stage for healthy, respectful interactions
"The biggest thing I ask myself is what would I say to my best friend if she came to me telling me the same story?"
This is one of the important things I learned from my years of cognitive behavioral therapy (not for alcoholism but for anxiety and other issues). Odd how I sometimes talk to myself in a cutting, cruel way. Why not treat myself with the same respect I'd give to a random stranger on the street?
Another way to ask this question is "What do you think a friend would say to you?" Either way, I get a much gentler response when I ask myself this question first.
I seriously need to work on this in my life. I have learned to speak up for myself if someone rags on me to ME and I've learned to stop taking things so personally, but I wonder if people treat me the way they do because I allow it. Luckily, most of my friends are in program, my family is filled with spiritually grounded kind people and I don't have issues with them, either. But, sometimes it's someone at work or in my home today, where the dynamics haven't fully played out yet and relationships are still new, where I struggle the most.
Love what Betty shared: Validate myself without invalidating others. I would love to hear an example of that because I'm not quite sure how to apply it.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hi Andromeda-- An example, If someone said that they did not like the cake or food I baked I could say" Oh I am sorry to hear that( then validating myself) by stating :"I used all the ingredients that were recommended and I thought it tasted pretty good " :) and then change the subjeect. Such as I love the recipes I get in such and such magazine. It takes practice but it helps me to not feel invisible or hurt.
Betty that is for sure "elder" speak. I remember that is how the elders in recovery spoke to me also and how I attempt to share now. Thanks much sister..(((Hugs)))
