So for those of you who read my first post, you'll know that I've been in panic-mode a bit after the last contact with my A who is currently in rehab.  While in intensive detox, he was communicating with me daily. But when he transitioned into rehab they cut off all his contact.  A very combative phone call with one of his therapists seemingly set that off and when last he called it was in a panic, having "secretly stolen" the phone to tell me that he wasn't allowed to call because that therapist said I was toxic.  He sounded very unstable, emotional, etc... and told me they had told him he needed to end our 10 year union. 

I'll openly admit: that news had me spiraling.  Such confusion. Such heartbreak.  (the last time we went through rehab (outpatient) five years ago the program therapists were so positive and supportive and encouraging so to have this now was just crazy-making)

Days went by with me too scared to call there for fear of getting him in trouble or making it worse.

Yesterday morning he called, again having snuck the phone, and apologized right away.  He couldn't remember what he said, but he told me that he knew when he hung up the phone that it had all come out wrong.  I did tell him right then that he had scared me. 

Long story short...got off the phone and felt like I could breathe again.  I was so relieved.

Until...I realized what I had allowed to happen and the shame spiral sucked me in.

So here's how I see it: despite my resolve to build myself back up into the person I was, I allowed someone else's words to mean more to me than my own do.  I allowed myself to believe that the opinion formed of me by someone I've never even met to override all the good self-talk I've been trying to introduce.

That's the weakness of my side of this disease...that it's somehow "easier" for me to give in to the negative because it's comfortable there.

Today, my son and I are going to fill the pinboard with positive and strong words that we know can and do apply to us.