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Hi everyone! I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to tell kids. My daughter is 9 and her biological father has been terrible with her and she thinks of her step dad as her best daddy. However, he is a alcoholic that just can't stay dry longer than a couple of months. He moved out before and she begged me and he begged me to give him another chance. Well as u can guess he just can't stay sober. he knows if he drinks that he has to leave. Well the time I really was dreading and wishing wouldn't come is here he volunteered to leave guess he's done trying..and I'm done pretending. I just hate breaking her heart. Also if her biological father heard from her that her stepdad was an alcoholic he would manipulate the courts and anyone to make it bad. So just saying my ah has a drinking problem not sure would be a good idea to tell her. She is so young and doesn't need this. I always put her first and I just can't keep my ah in the house but also have to protect her from her biological father as well. I don't know if I wording this right but I assure you he would twist things to benefit him. My ah is a good man he just can't stop drinking. Help!
I think keeping it simple .. I understand that you are upset and we can talk about that ( focusing on her feelings). Sometimes as grown ups we try and try in a relationship it just isn't meant to be. I love you. It is going to be ok. My thoughts are it's a shame her s dad can't continue to be a part of her life in terms of most As stop showing up it's easier. Now this has been my experience in terms of my kids dad. I am sorry that things are so hard. I would suggest waiting until you know he's actually moving out. And at 9 chances are she knows more than she's letting on. I knew at 5 things were not right with my parents when they divorced/separated. The arguing .. Silence .. When they were together it was just strained .. I also knew my dad was not faithful and my mom was seeing someone else as well. No one told me .. being an only child I am an observer of people. My kids were aware of their dad's drinking before we split no one talked about it. Kids are not stupid or naive no matter how much they are sheltered. Hugs pray pray and pray some more before you have that conversation.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'll rephrase my last statement about my kids .. The dui was a big hint something was wrong. And when I started attending Alanon they knew I was working through some things. We didn't talk about the drinking before that.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you my nerves are shot, I guess you can tell. We are going away and he isn't coming with us for spring break to see family. I figure he could start moving his stuff into the garage then. He has a place already but it won't be ready for a couple of weeks. I am hoping he stays involved in her life for both of them. Thank you!
Its a quandry. I told my daughter her dads a good person but he's also a sick one. She is four and adores him, though towards the end their relationship was also impacted. Of course she asked him, daddy are you still sick when she saw him again which had him mystified.
Lol.
But like most children of addiction,she is astute and didn't push it. Children are smarter than we think, so a loving explanation is possible without lying. Aside from the sickness aspect there's also the truth of being better apart. I know that there's always uncertainty as to anothers future commitment or lack thereof. Sometimes though there are people who can only love us in their hearts and minds. This is something I've answered my daughter with, because she asks many questions, and they are important to her. I also reassure with the things over which i can control, being me and her and her siblings. We try to have gratitude for other stuff so the focus is never on a sense of lack. None of its easy nor perfect, but, that's mothering i think. We do the best with what we have and accept ourselves on our own merits. You've done what you know to be right. That's plenty good!
Take care.
(((Helpangel))) - I have no experience in these matters, but suspect in the CAL (Conference Approved Literature) there are some shares and/or words of wisdom. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts. I do agree with a4l - children are more aware of what is going on than we often realize. Keeping it simple, as suggested by Serenity, has served me well in matters of the heart with my own children.
For me, before recovery, I never wanted to 'let them down'. Since recovery, I've come to see that you value me more as an imperfect person doing the best who still makes mistakes. I don't think they ever intentionally put me on a pedestal - I put myself up there. I am 100% OK today telling them I don't know when I don't know...it's served me well to stay focused on the here/now - what is and not how I think it will be....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iam.. 100% my kids know I fall down my example is getting back up over and over .. I try to focus on the lesson with them. I think that's part of growing up is understanding there is no perfect way. There are natural consequences for every choice. Some good some not so good.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
