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Hello - I just recently found this message board and have read some wonderfully helpful things here. My AH is on another terror. I'm doing my best not to react but he's pushing me to the limit. He's got a great job, if he actually went to it and wasn't hung over he could make a ton of money. Instead he justifies his going hungover by saying, "well at least I'm going to work". He got an advance from his company to pay the rent because he missed over a week during the last pay period of last month. He's so blessed and doesn't even realize it. His boss is a recovering alcoholic w/ 15 years sobriety, the HR lady has 22+ yrs and the payroll girl 17+ years. I have no doubt that he's in the right place with the right people but he just doesn't want to stop. He has drank a fifth a day for the last 10 days and now called off work yesterday and today. I know I can't control him or what he does, I get that. Unfortunately we rely on his income to make rent. I don't make as much as he does and we need both of our incomes to pay our bills. I'm not even sure at this point that I can relearn to love him and hate the disease. I'm not sure if I can come back from the point I'm at in my emotions in regards to him. I think he knows that and purposely keeps us too broke for me to leave. He knows my income isn't enough to support my daughter on my own. His latest is to attack the fact that we are not intimate anymore and haven't been for a VERY long time. He accuses me of being with someone else every single time he drinks. Truth is, I have no interest in any of that right now because I'm so messed up emotionally. He doesn't get that and constantly berates me for not being with him. I CAN'T. My body is MINE. It's literally the only thing left in my life that I have control over. I'm not cheating on him, I'm just dead inside. I'm actually at work right now and he's sending me text after text about it. Now he's letting me know how gross and unattractive I am. How I never have to worry about him wanting me again because I'm so disgusting and how no one else will ever want me either. His words no longer hurt me, I know who I am. I just honestly don't know how much more I can take. If I had anywhere to go I would be gone. Thank you for letting me vent. I have nowhere that I can vent to who will understand.
I can so relate to your post and talking about being dead inside. When I left my X it took me another let's see I left in 2012 it was 2016 before I was remotely interested in the opposite sex. I still question my sanity of being interested from time to time and I'm currently dating an very nice man .. not an A. My XAH and I did continue having marital relations however it was awful .. there was no real connection I was just a body in a very literal sense of the word and I felt awful. It's wonderful that you have that boundary for you regarding your body .. I don't think I showed enough respect for mine during that time.
Have you been to a face to face meeting yet? Online is great however face to face for me was where I connected the dots of me. It became less about him and more about what I needed and my own healing. I hope you will give them a try. They truly are life changing.
The words are awful .. my X treated me that way vs saying anything I can't begin to tell you how awful I felt about myself. Although he had nothing nice to say to me at any point.
I'm just so sorry you are dealing with this because it's not ok. It's never ok for other people to treat you in that manner drinking or not so the fact you are standing in your own truth is HUGE.
Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi, I just want to say I'm in a similar boat with my AH at the moment as well. Fortunately he isn't currently insulting me about my appearance, but he has definitely made me self conscious over the years with undermining comments and total lack of interest in me. I feel the same way, there is no way I want to be intimate with him and it's been a LONG time, basically since before daughter was born. There is no trust and it's one small way I feel shielded from him. Totally relate about feeling dead inside. No advice, just that it's the worst and hang in there!
You are not alone Alcoholism is a dreadful, chroni,c fatal disease over which we are powerless. I support every suggestion that Serenity has noted and in addition woud like to suggest that you begin to make asset lists immediately so as to reaffirm that you are a wonderful,,capable human being deserving of dignity and respect.
Hi SoLost. Just wanted to say welcome to the Boards and suggests a face to face meeting if you can get to one. Something I would always remind myself is that when my AH said hateful things to me he really was saying it to himself. I can relate to not wanting to be intimate, when my AH was drinking it would be such a turn off to me. So glad that you joined us on the board. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
I too send a welcome to you SoLost - sorry for all that the disease has brought to your home/door......I can relate to where you are and nothing I did, said, tried, promised, threatened, etc. changed anything at all. What did help me and continues to do so is Al-Anon. I know it's hard to get to meetings but it's so worth it - you will find local resources that can support you and offer their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to give you hope....
Please keep coming back and know you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
just want to say i'm so sorry you're experiencing this. it's so awful. i hope you can get to a meeting and find support and understanding there. so many of us have lived with similar circumstances. sending hugs.
Thank you everyone so much! It really helps to know that I'm not as crazy as I'm told I am :) I'm looking for a meeting in my area, I really would like to go. I know there is a lot out there for me to learn. I just wanted to thank you all again.
