The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted a couple of weeks ago about my brother-in-law, who had finally gone through detox, and we were trying to find AA meetings and other treatment for him.
I had hoped he was staying away from alcohol after the detox, but now know that he went right back to drinking as soon as everyone's back was turned. As I feared, he isn't committed.
Meanwhile, he gave my husband and I access to his online bank account (hoping we'd transfer some money to him), and while looking at some of his statements to figure out what he's spending on alcohol, we discovered thousands of dollars spent via iTunes. Over $7,000 in the past month alone!!! Fearing he had a compromised account, we alerted him about this, followed the bread crumbs, and....it appears he has an online gambling addiction as well. And has had it for at least a year. We had no idea he was engaging in this behavior on top of having an alcohol problem.
He doesn't work, but we thought he'd have enough $$ saved that he could keep himself afloat for another month. But at the rate he's spending, he'll be out of money in the next 3-4 days. He could squat in the house he's renting for a couple of months, maybe - until they evict him. But the money situation is coming to a head soon.
I keep hoping he will face up to his problems and take that first step forward - but the enormity of it is overwhelming even to me. If only he would commit to treatment - but he seems destined to hit rock bottom first. Which may be soon.
It sounds like his much needed consequences are coming. If you guys have the strength to stay out of it then he might have a chance to learn and maybe get recovery.
I agree with el-cee - my experience is that each time I intervene and disturb the natural consequences for my qualifier(s), it just wreaks more havoc on me and postpones their bottom. So very sorry for what you are discovering - as we say....more will be revealed (clearly it's not all good stuff)....
What I've learned in recovery is that when I am able to handle it, then I am shown it. I've got new tools to do better each time I am faced with new situations. Take good care of you and use your program as best you can to detach with love and dignity.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In order for him to really commit to being sober he has to hit rock bottom. That is what sucks about the disease but what is essential for him to realize his life has become unmanageable. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to help as he has already proven that he doesn't want to get sober right now. I know how hard it is to see loved ones hit their bottom and want to help. My husband had a rough couple of months when he finally hit his bottom. Thank god I found this program as I was able to get out of the way of his disease and let him feel the full consequences. I agree with what El-cee has said above. Sometimes the hardest thing is doing nothing for the ones that we love. Praying for you and your family.
I am so sorry for this new reveal .. there is no softer easier way for an addict to deal with the consequences of their actions and trust me we are all looking for a softer easier way to recover .. the easy button .. and there is just none. I have had moments I hit so hard I bounced off that bottom and hit again emotionally.
That's the problem with my disease .. is my ability to love someone to death to keep them from feeling pain or consequences of their actions.
Hugs .. keep coming back ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Many thanks. I want nothing more than to detach from this situation, at least until A shows some interest in his own well-being. Hubby is having a harder time detaching....and, well...I'm attached to hubby. He seems to think that sobriety is like training wheels and if you can get the A on his bike and give him a push, he'll start pedaling on his own. My limited experience and what I've read here tell me this isn't so.
Perhaps you (and your Hubby) can attend an al-anon meeting together to listen....or even open AA meetings. I am sending you both positive thoughts and prayers - it's a difficult disease to be around and very hard to watch anyone you care for getting sucked in....(((hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
