The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had lunch with my parents yesterday. It was pleasant, mostly, although we had a moment when I was trying to discuss a recent parenting decision I had made and instead of listening they were lecturing, and not politely. Note- I didn't bring it up and would have preferred not to discuss it. And probably should have said so.
My daughter is having a hard time at school. There is a group of girls who target one girl after another and make their lives hell until they inevitably leave. It sounds ridiculous and yet they have successfully ousted 6 other students from the smart kid class and numbers are now very low. The school has proven itself utterly ineffective against this behaviour. I don't have the time or the energy to try to fight it. The kid wants to change to another school that offers the same program. It has more subjects to choose from in her senior years. It has an extremely good reputation. it's co-ed (she gets along better with boys anyway so this is probably a plus). Her friends from cadets go there. It's on the bus-line. The change-over cost is minimal. She is going to go there for her final years anyway. OK, problem solved....easy. Let's do it.
Now daughter, who has been their target for a good 6 months now, comes home crying many days or just wont go to school on others. I cant manage that; I'm trying to finally finish my stupid freaking degree so that I can start adulting. I need her happy and achieving. In addition to this, the child is really abusive towards me and its exhausting and kind of soul destroying. I think being bullied at school contributes to her coming home and doing the same to me, knowing I cant and wont retaliate with anything more than a few ineffective words or slamming my bedroom door and trying not to cry. Its not fun. I feel weak, and helpless to be honest because I have nothing in my arsenal to combat her with. I can refuse to do things for her- she will go to her friends (she has those, outside of school, and they are always older than her, with jobs etc) and tell them how neglected she is by her b*&^ mother. And then they will buy her the thing she wants or whatever. Its very manipulative. Other parents seem to shun me and I believe its because of the dishonest "I'm so neglected" crap daughter says about me when I am trying to get tough with her; she paints me as neglectful and abusive if i try to impose consequences for her behavior. Honestly I feel she is determined to be my enemy and she would much prefer to push me until snap so she can then make me feel like a monster than for us to just get along. Its a game I guess. A negative coping tool that she has developed after years of living in our world of crap. I don't resent her for it, but it does make me feel very worn down and sad. This era in her teenagedom is probably the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I have never had to try so hard to care for someone that so actively works against me in every possible way.
(Yes, al-ateen would be great. She won't go.)
Anyway I didn't start this post to whinge about my child. Enough about that.
Im interested more in understanding my own weakness and acceptance of the doormat role because that is (I think) the biggest challenge I face here. Daughter will do and be who she is and if I want to have a hope of being a positive influence then cowering in the corner is probably not the way to go.
Yesterday over lunch, my parents were questioning my decision (which I had already made and did not require help with) to allow my daughter to move to a different school. They just kept talking over me. Asking me a question, and then before I can get a word out, answering for me with "dont you think that" or "woudnt it be best if you".
I was so frustrated. And I felt so sad. I didnt ask for an opinion. They dont understand the facts. I do this parenting thing alone and have for a long time so why does anyone think they have the right or responsibility to tell me how to do it?
Anyway then stepdad moved on to the fact that they recently bought my 22 year old sister a brand new car. (He keeps bringing it up, he even rang me to tell me. Why? It's kind of weird). And my mother looked really worried and kept giving me this urgent look.... Why? Because she bought me a really nice used car a few years ago and apparently he still doesn't know about it because he kept referring to the car my grandmother had bought me. Oh. Yeah, OK. Its still a secret-he's not allowed to know that she bought me something. It hurts because when she bought it I actually felt like wow, they finally see me as worthwhile, but no, it's a secret. (because it would be bad for someone to give me something. (Because...??) I don't know, it just triggers all of the "less than" crap in me. Why am I different and less deserving than my siblings. Why do i still care, more to the point.
Anyway while he was lecturing me about how I should be making the bullies be brought to justice and holding the school accountable and a whole lot of other nice sounding ideals that dont actually help my daughter or myself, I got mad and told my step-dad kind of angrily, "Listen, Im not a complete idiot you know. I do have the mental capacity to evaluate situations and make judgements and they arent necessarily wrong just because you don't agree with them".
He left the table and when he came back we didnt talk about it anymore. And I felt guilty about it, all afternoon. Except I shouldnt.
Then later I spoke to my grandmother. I was telling her about how my daughter wants to learn to arm-knit. She asked me what guage arms she had. Haha. Then she said "well I'm sure they're small ones. If she needs some giant thick ones she can borrow yours". Sigh. I dont have fat arms. Why does she say this stuff? I posted a picture of my daughter and I on facebook recently and my grandmother commented "the young one is beautiful but who's that old ugly thing standing next to her?" She makes this same joke over and over and over and over. "Your daughter is beautiful/smart/talented and you are old/ugly/stupid/fat". Ahahaha its F^%&ing hilarious, isnt it? She should do stand-up. But really, who cares? Why do I internalise it? I've had 40 years to learn how to not take it personally. Why won't I?
I know that I wont be an effective parent so long as I keep internalising everything that is said to and about me. Daughter plays me like a fiddle. I know that the only way Im going to get through this and find the freaking strength and the voice that I need to get on with the rest of my life is going to come from seeing my own value and holding fast to it regardless of what anyone else says or does. Now I just have to get it back. Which means doing the work, every day, not just contemplating it.
Sorry, I know this is a whingy mess. Its been going around and around my head all night and all morning and I just needed to get it out and look at it so that I can decide how to start tackling it. If you read all of this, then thanks J
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 1st of April 2017 11:16:59 PM
-- Edited by MissM on Sunday 2nd of April 2017 04:13:49 AM
Hi MissM,
It sounds like you are going through a lot. My son was bullied once he started attending middle school 5th through 8th grade. It was difficult to see him going through that. He would come home in bad moods quite often. We were in family counseling because I was a single parent. It really helped me a lot. My family has never tried to understand what my life is like. Going to counseling with a complete stranger was better than having them telling me their opinions. I wish we were closer, but eventually I had to accept that it was their problem and not mine. I could not change who they were or how they acted. I hope things get better, try to surround yourself with positive people and be kind to yourself. You deserve it!
((((MissM)))) So sorry your lunch turned so unpleasant. Trying to find support from a dysfunctional family is kind of like going to your toolbox and finding a loaf of bread. (Heard at a meeting believe from ODAT ) I too had a different father and much more criticism came in my direction than my half siblings. Fortunately my step dad was a gem and brought fairness. Prior it was my grandmother and my mother both parenting me and I was the monkey in the middle who couldn't win. If I did what one told me I got disciplined by the other and vice versa. So confusing to a child. With my own sons I believe I went the othe way sometimes overlooking some unacceptable behavior because I wanted them to like me and think I was fair. Just keep in mind that their meanest is theirs and not yours.
((Ms.M.))) I am so sorry that these events are unfolding in such a painful manner. Children are manipulative and self absorbed, please keep listing your assets and gratitude lists daily Remember what others do or say about you is not important. It is what you think about yourself that counts.
Validate yourself as the grown up and the parent who is capable of making healthy decisions and being a supportive loving parent.
Im glad you stood up to your step dad. I'd like to clout him around the ear for a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse to a vulnerable child he knowingly took on when he chose a relationship with her mother.
Grandma, good lord, no one reading that will laugh. Though perhaps she's that era which beleives you take sensitive kids and abuse them verbally to toughen them up. We know how well that works now that we have evolved into 2017, however let us take the moral highground for those that know not the error of their ways. Because sometimes such creatures speak a different language, possibly a devolution into " thank you for your lifetime of loving support grandma, im glad you see our astonishing familial resemblance ahead of my full flowering into your current image" may suffice.
I'm so in your corner because they are nothing more nor less than bullies and you do not deserve to be abused in this manner.
Chin up!!
Ms.M I can relate to families that are "suspect" of an compliment and respond in a negative fashion to any kind words.
Until working the Steps with determination,I do believe that i carried that attitude out into the world as well . Now that my negsive coping tools have lifted, I readily give compliments (as you have done) simply because it is my truth and without any expectations. Keep on keeping on.
Love , compassion and kindness look great on you Love your new avatar.
I'm sorry for all this chaos you're experiencing with family. Our topic Boundaries was the first thing that came to mind while I was reading your share. It's a tough being the landing place for another's anger. Sorry your daughter is dumping on you due to what's happening to her at school. We say in Alanon that hurt people hurt people. Of course, this sounds very trite when you are on the receiving end of it.
I want to share something someone in Alanon shared with me. It's likely not in our CAL but for it's been a keeper for me and great tool. As with everything I share, please take what you like if anything and leave the rest.
The Six Parts of a Boundary
Clearly defined expectations, clearly defined consequences that don't disturb my serenity, clearly set, clearly communicated, consistently enforced, without regard to relationship. Start small and work up.
I like this because it's based on self love and self respect. It reminds me that beyond any family of origin or any other connection, I need to embrace and believe my worth. There was a time when so many negative messages from others and myself made it hard to for me to connect what was in my head to my heart. I had to "act as if" for a time until I eventually believed the positive self talk. When those less than messages entered my mind, I used the word stop or the word no. At times I tried to counter it with a positive statement about myself even it it was unrelated to the negative perception I had just experienced. This was a way of offering myself self love. I was a lonely journey for some time for me trying to accept, love myself and establish healthy boundaries with others. So much of the power I gave away to others came from my fear of rejection of being abandoned by others. So I pretty much sucked the inappropriate behaviors of others by practicing detachment which in the early years of my recovery was code for "fear of confrontation."
When the pain of abandoning myself outweighed my fear of rejection, I started putting those principles of the six parts of a boundary in place. I basically began trying it on to see how it fit. It fit me fine but felt tight on others. People who had been use to getting what they wanted from me without consequence weren't happy that my actions clearly indicated that I wasn't going to show up to every fight I was invited to. But this couldn't happen until I'd done an inventory of the mileage I, myself was getting out the dynamics in my relationships. Lack of self love, self sufficiency (physical, spiritual and emotion) was at the root of dependency on others.
I feel weak, and helpless to be honest because I have nothing in my arsenal to combat her with. MissM, we have an arsenal of tools in Alanon. What I've shared is only my experience. I do know that is always comes down to me because I can't change others. If there's truth in the statement "We become what we believe," I'm very grateful that Alanon came along. It's kept from continuing to live a life viewing myself in a cracked mirror.
I know that I wont be an effective parent so long as I keep internalising everything that is said to and about me. Daughter plays me like a fiddle. I know that the only way Im going to get through this and find the freaking strength and the voice that I need to get on with the rest of my life is going to come from seeing my own value and holding fast to it regardless of what anyone else says or does. Hold onto that :) You're worth it. ((hugs)) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I've been thinking about how to offer esh to you but not in an abrupt way or a way that sounds harsh and just adds to how your feeling but tt has said it all. I'm also thinking about self love right now and listening to my self talk. I like the idea of saying no. Simple. No I won't put myself down. Simple. Then I can say that to others too. No I won't be put down by your words. Simple. Ithe takes practice and effort at first like anything worthwhile.
I was thinking about your relationship with your daughter. It does sound like an abusive relationship it happened to me with my child. It kind of creeps up and i excused it with the teenage thing or it was a phase but it does get worse until it's stopped and unfortunately it's only use who can stop it through saying no and showing it with your body. No confrontation is necessary or particularly useful. Just simple small jestures. I do believe it begins with believing your worthy of respect and kindness and becoming willing to claim that in your life.
For me the barriers were guilt, over compensating, fear and laziness. Awareness of these helped me and I knew I had to change.x
The barriers I speak of were important. I carried a whole ton weight of guilt until I accepted my decisions and parenting were the best I could manage with the limited awareness and understanding I had at the time. The guilt meant I was easily manipulates because people can use the guilt for their own ends. We become very vulnerable under the weight of guilt. When I say laziness maybe I mean lethargy. It became difficult to imagine anything getting better so I gave up trying.x
I just wanted to also tell you that I noticed your new avatar and thought your hair was beautiful. I hesitated to come back in here and comment after reading about this conversation with your mother. I thought oh geez, she may think I'm just saying this because of her mother's comment. But... that would be giving my power away to other people. Giving a compliment is a positive thing so I didn't want to miss the chance.
Listen.. I don't know your mother but I now have an exmil who always seemed to want to mess with my thinking. I shared about these conversations with her with a professional who told me that mil was jealous of me. I thought omg are you kidding? I couldn't imagine why. I thought she had everything anyone could ever possibly want. I also knew though that she was a very unhappy woman. He told me disagreeing with me on everything and cutting me down was something she needed to do to feel superior. I also have family members who only draw close to me if they can rescue me. This means if I want to get loving feelings from them, I have to let them play hero, I have to act like a victim. Blahhh! Not going to be that to be validated!
Anyway, you have so much going for you, so just keep owning your power. :) (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks TT This is amazing. It's just so exactly what need at the moment, a calm, logical approach to considering my boundaries and how to implement and reinforce them. I am fortunate that daughter is now away for a week (it is school holidays) and I have some ready-made solitude and serenity in which to consider these things!
Going back to inventory is critical; that's what I've realised from writing here and from people's responses.
El-cee is absolutely right, guilt is the no.1 thing holding me back and making me weak. Some of it is earned, some of it is not, and none of it is helpful.
And the second biggest factor is indeed laziness....haha it's nice to hear someone else admit it first..now it's easier to sit with it myself so thanks for that lol!! And you are correct, it has become abusive. To the point where I am ashamed of it and don't want people to know that i let her bully me. And yeah, it did creep up out of nowhere....a few minutes ago she was my sweet girl and best buddy....then she was kind of acting out but that was OK because she was adjusting and we were getting through it together....and wham, suddenly i am looking around me, at this child who physically draws herself up as big as she can and blocks my path (she's bigger and stronger than I am) and slams doors in my face and throws things at me and I realise, oh crap, this is not good, for either of us.
When I saw a counsellor last year, she suggested that it sounded like daughter has some major abandonment issues and that she has learned from watching others abuse me that this is the way to control me and make sure that i will not leave her as well. And this to me sounds absolutely correct, and also....overwhelming. I feel like "Oh, seriously, come on. I have SO much on my plate already and my emotions are kind of shut down and in tatters as it is....I don't know how to help her undo that sort of damage....I don't even know where to start". And maybe that sounds uncaring but the child just works so hard to undermine everything I do and say that the idea of trying anything with her exhausts me to the point where I want to go and hide under the covers and wallow in my one true vice, my utter laziness. (and defeatism)
What I have decided after reading your responses is that
1) I need to go back to basics and inventory..as luck would have it, I came across an interesting (non-al-anon) 4 step guide last night that really spoke to me and I think I might give it a go. As long as I am shrouded in guilt, I am going to get no-where.
2) I am going to actually write down my boundaries and consider them using what TT provided and be very clear about how I am going to attempt to approach things when the kid returns from her travels.
3) I am buying a diary in which to write G&A lists daily. No excuses.
4) I am dragging the kid back to family counselling and whether she participates or not, I am going to get as much out of it as I possibly can. trying to know how to do all of it alone is overwhelming and overwhelmed is not an effective platform for decision-making and, as shrnp said, discussing it with a stranger is going to beat listeing to opinions from family any day of the week.
I feel positive about this. Most times, when daughter is away for any amount of time, I feel such great relief. I miss her but the calm, the lack of abuse, waking up without someone's anger in my ears, the lack of dishes! the lack of rubbish! the lack of washing! the lack of expensive demands! (lol) leaves me in a very serene place and i get a lot of work done and feel very positive. (This is a long, long way from a few years ago when i used to post here in anguish when she went away that i could not cope alone in the house and felt pointless and bereft). However, each time, I decide that when she gets home, we are going to get serious. She is going to start helping with the chores instead of leaving huge and endless messes for me to clean. We are going to make an effort to get along better. It's going to be good. And then she comes home and within 5 minutes I am in my room trying not to scream.
I think this time I have a lot of better tools to work with and if i DO the work, maybe I can start to implement some actual change.
So thank-you, awesome people.
One more thing....she has taken to walking around the house in underpants only (no bra) since she is now a fitness junkie and is in, I'd have to say, fantastic shape even for a teenager. I'm not opposed to nudity however it is a surprise because she was always very prudish and would not allow me to see her naked from when she was quite young. (She was ill when she was younger, some of her treatment was pretty invasive, I took her covering up to be her way of taking back control of her body). I feel quite sincerely that this is not about being "free" or "comfortable" but it is instead a real 'FU" to me as I have asked her if she could wear a top around the house and she flatly refuses and also she is very critical of my body and appearance so ... well hpefuly you see where I am going with this. She would not walk about naked at her fathers....I don't object to the principal, but the sudden change and the fact that it's sort of obvious to me that she is doing it to annoy me. I don't know, what does anyone think? Just let it go because it doesn't really affect me and I'm just assuming that I know her motivation? Dispense with the clothing myself and think no more of it? start picking her up from school topless??? lol. Input welcome
This is amazing. It's just so exactly what need at the moment, a calm, logical approach to considering my boundaries and how to implement and reinforce them. I am fortunate that daughter is now away for a week (it is school holidays) and I have some ready-made solitude and serenity in which to consider these things!