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Not sure how many of you have ever been in this position, but dang, I am really struggling in my role as a step parent (well, we're not married but technically it's my role here). It's more thankless than being a parent. You don't have a parent/child relationship with someone else's kids. You can care for them, love them as human beings, but your patience just isn't the same as it is with your own children.
I try to use my program and practice detachment. Never realized how useful program would be even when I'm not dealing with active addiction anymore.
My bf's kids are kids, plain and simple. But, his house rules are so very different than mine. He is far more lenient than I am about certain things. He allows behaviors and actions that are bordering on unacceptable to me. I often feel like a glorified maid service and even though I did those things when I was raising MY son and married, I find that my attitude about them is different in this scenario. I'm not serving MY family, I'm serving another family that isn't mine and I don't get any recognition for it. Well, I didn't get recognition before either, but it's harder in the role I'm in today to just continue to serve people who aren't my flesh and blood. I feel like God just picked me up and plopped me down in the middle of a family and said, "Here you go. Now, go serve them, adapt to their schedules and their habits and their communication styles, and take ME with you because you'll need it." It's like I'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. They have their patterns of behavior already set and they know each other intimately. I'm the outsider and it often makes me feel very alone.
To be honest, I am jealous of his children because they come first. While I know my son comes first to me, as well, my son is 18 and uses me as more of a sounding board and seems to need me less as in the 'parent' role today. Which basically means that I can give my relationship with my bf much more time and energy than he can give to me/us. It's also hard because my bf has an autoimmune condition that sometimes makes him less available to all of us. He's often in pain or overly tired and I know this disease combined with aging will take it's toll on him.
I just needed to come on here to vent. I don't think my bf understands. He and my son get along ok, but my son is rarely here. He already has a dad, even if that is a huge dysfunctional mess itself. My bf has put me in a role with his kids where I pick them up from school a few times per week, I cook dinners, fold their clothes, clean the house, play board games with them, take them to get their haircut (apparently they want me to do this instead of their mom), and help with schoolwork.
It's just really hard, you know? I didn't realize just how hard it would be. His youngest has some emotional issues that also tend to rule the house and I wonder how bad that will get once she's a teen. She's extremely attention seeking, filled with drama and anger and she truly can just be mean to everyone at times. But, that's a whole different thread, lol.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Sounds challenging. I would suggest that we hire a house keeper in order to help with the chores. I would even contribute to the costs It would be so worth it. Good Luck
(((Andromeda))) - I'm with Betty - sounds challenging....If that were 'all' that were changing - you have a bunch going on - all good but certainly making or keeping you very busy....a housekeeper sounds lovely - and may give you more breaks for your own program/self-care.
I've never had step-children of adol. age - my AH has an adult daughter but she was grown when we met/married. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers - one day at a time sweetie, one day at a time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have to ask, did you discuss what your role would be and did you have an opportunity to voice what you wanted to or were willing to do? Because if you're not happy with the situation, forcing yourself to be happy with it doesn't generally work so well, you know? And in my experience, kids know when you are stuffing your feelings and biting back your reactions and they'll push, ever so subtly, to see if they can make you explode. (Or is that just mine? lol) So if they know being ungrateful/unhelpful pushes your buttons then they just might keep at it...
Honestly I hear you saying "my bf wants me to do x so I'm going to do x and be happy about it" rather than what you actually want. What DO you see as a desirable domestic arrangement? This is your life- how do YOU want it to be? IMHO I don't hear you talk about what YOU want very much and you deserve to put yourself first, you really do.
I'm sorry you feel this way. Do his kids live with you full time? Im not sure I can offer any esh about your situation. I think you are a courageous woman and it has been great to see you go from strength to strength. When I first came here we both were stuck with active drinkers. We both managed to get free of it. You jumped back into life again and i admire you for that. I am wary of lots of things especially relationships. I've spent over 20yrs in role of mum. I mostly didn't enjoy it. Alcoholism in the family had a major effect on my experience as a mother. My partner has a teenage daughter who lives with him full time. He has asked me to move in but I can see similar issues cropping up. I no longer feel maternal towards any humans now including my own adult children. It's gone from within me. I don't want to be anyone's mother in the traditional sense of the word. Those days are gone. I'm like you. I can love people as humans care for them but I've spent so long without my own identity as just a woman a person that now I've got it I won't give it away. If I moved in I would likely become the one who cleans cooks organises. I would likely pick up that role then it would become expected then I would resent it. I also watch his parenting and it is pretty fear based and guilt based much like I was so he has produced a spoilt demanding child. Who is also sweet and kind like him. I'm not driven by any of it anymore so we don't even fit in this department. Sometimes I like the idea of us living together it would have lots of perks. I do love him but I love my own independencee and freedom more. Sometimes I think of the reasons I'm in a long term relationship and it's mostly about the closeness the physical aspect the sex. I don't need him financially or in a supportive way. I'm not going to have any more children I don't need a man to look after me. I've let go of many of the materialistic ideals I held. So really I don't want us to be a family. No need really. I only want a lover. I don't need a partner as such. Maybe this will change but it's not likely while he's still a full time parent. I don't like that role. It's usually an unhealthy code pendent relationship and I don't really like watching it play out. I've still got some healing to do and I suspect he's in my life to help that along. Anyway. Thanks for sharing it has good for me to reflect like this sorry I don't have words of wisdom for you.
I resent domesticity full stop. Mostly because it isn't recognised but perversely and simultaneously is completely expected to be performed as a normal part of (womans) life. No conversations, discussions needed, its no big deal but you do it, alright love and also you do it my way. While it may not be conscious enough to be intentional, it is nonetheless disrespectful. Discussions are needed! I hope you guys can discuss and express and communicate.
Hi a4l, domesticity is kinda all I know so it comes pretty naturally to me.
El Cee, his kids used to be with us 50% of the time but the mom has been having some work and personal issues and asked us to take the kids a lot more. We now have them 80% of the time. Like this week, for example, we've had them since last Monday and their mom is just going to take them tonight for us. Then, they'll be with us until Friday. So, basically we'll get one night off which isn't enough for us to connect or talk about things, honestly. Last time she took the kids it was for 4 nights and that was like a miracle to me, lol.
I actually enjoy being a mom. But, what I'm not familiar with is being a mom AND a working parent. That's part of the struggle too. I mostly stayed home to raise my son and didn't work. This is a completely different animal. And, while I believe my bf knows all of this, I don't think he can relate. He's always been a working father and then a working single dad.
I love my independence, as well, but my bf doesn't try to keep me pinned down or anything. I can do what I want, where I want, and with whom I want. I do feel a lot like El Cee at times. Like I just want the sex and the physical aspect of the relationship. But, with my bf and our schedules and kids and his autoimmune disorder, even sex sometimes has to take a back burner. His energy levels wane quite a bit depending on his disease and how it's messing with him. We always have sex at least once a week, but I'd love it more honestly.
MissM, I get what you are saying. Let me be clear, my bf doesn't ask me to do anything without asking me if I'm ok with it. I'm the one who accommodates even if he's given me the out. That's all on me. I'm a people pleaser by nature and he's even called me out on it when he sees me get defensive and he'll say, "I know you like to please everybody, so are you sure you are OK with doing this?" There are times when I wonder if he knows me better than I know myself, and that's a tough pill to swallow but sometimes I think maybe he's right.
And, that is a clear indication that I need to do a lot more work on myself. He and his children are here in my life to teach me something. I sometimes feel like I need to let that lesson unfold over time before I pull the plug on it, because I have no real reason to leave this relationship other than to say, "Your kids drive me nuts....."
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I have been a stepparent and it is a thankless job. I think if you have a kind heart full of love and try and be the best example for the children, that is all you can do. They will learn from you even though you may never get the recognition. My step daughter now quotes things I have said and taught her and she gives credit to her mother. The important thing is that I know the truth and the most important of all is that she (my stepdaughter) has learned positive things along the way. She is 21 now. I met her when she was 6. When children go through living with an alcoholic parent and all the dysfunction that goes along with it, it's helpful for them to know there is another person in their life that can show love and consistency. Those children are not getting that from their mother right now and if you are willing to provide that, it is admirable. I chose to continue teaching and loving even when I didn't get the appreciation because that is who I am. I never tried to take the place of her mother. I was the "bonus" mom. I was there to help her when her mom wasn't able to. She loves me but her mom will always be number one. I felt sad for my step daughter because when she was little her mom would say to her "you like mom carrie better than me" and to me that is so unfair to say to a child. No doubt instilling guilt for loving me. I am past all that now and honestly, I don't care.
The important thing is to love yourself enough that it doesn't matter. Being a good person, a good influence, and living with integrity is an example they will benefit from.
Welcome to MIP carrie50 - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. Keep coming back!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
