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So this week has not been the best for me and my AH. But, since I am trying to practice DETACHMENT, and using the PAUSE. i am able to not react to the things that have been happening. That's not to say that I am not mad as hell, it just means that I say, "Oh, OK." and walk away... without the outbursts, without the tears, and without the need to make him do what I want him to do. I must say that I repeat the slogan "I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it," every. single. day. But... it helps!
The week hasn't been good because he's smelled like alcohol every day. But has not seemed impaired until last night. I calmly told him that he reeked of alcohol and of course he was very pissed at me for even suggesting that. Imagine that! "Test me!"he pouts. "It's not fair to accuse me when you cannot prove it!" I calmly said, "OK, I will." So I went out to find some kind of home kit, but I couldn't. So I came home and said so. I also said that it didn't really matter whether or not I could "prove it" b/c he was so good at hiding it for almost a year. His response was "Well I didn't drink today." At first I took that at face value and then I realized the semantics... he used the word, 'today.' So it was entirely possible that he drank the night before and I was smelling that. But I chose to leave it alone. Because... say it with me... I CAN'T CONTROL IT." LOL!
Tonight he admitted that "I took a shot of vodka today." I had somewhere to go, so I just responded with "OK." Later, I was able to text him and I said, "Hey, about that drink... I am glad you were honest, but you know what you need to do... call your sponsor, attend meetings/work the 12 steps. That is why I didn't react to what you said. I am learning that I "Didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it." He then said he knows. LOL. He is working on making me feel guilty for detaching. Telling me that I seem distant, that he wants his best friend back - that kind of crap. But I just told him that this was the only way that I can manage what life we share right now. He has consistently chosen alcohol over me, so this is what he gets... at least until he is working a program. Then who knows? Perhaps I can let my guard down a little. Hahahahahahahahahaha! I am such damaged goods, that may never happen. In reality, I am just waiting for the drunken night to come so that I can let him know that I want a trial separation. I no longer want to live with him and alcoholism. To be quite honest, since this is my second go 'round with addiction and all the lovely things that go with that, I don't want to ever live with him again. I want to live in a home where it doesn't reek of that weird, old drunk man stench... where my money stays where I put it... where I don't have to sleep with my wallet under my pillow... where food (leftovers, that I have asked him not to eat & marked with my name) are still in the fridge, waiting for me to eat. A home where realistic expectations on my part will be fulfilled.
My AH is not ready to face this problem. Not really. He talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk. His family just drinks in all his BS. It's sad.
I thank you for this forum. This place where I can be brutally honest and not feel like I will be judged... because you have all been there - or are currently living the madness.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hello Posiesandpuppies. Your share resonates so much with me - AH trying to make me feel guilty for detaching and deep down knowing that I want out. I have now asked for a separation and asked my husband to leave (I have 4 children - one is disabled, so am asking that he leaves the house, rather than me and the children). It's early days as he is still preparing to go with all the anguish that is bringing, but I have felt a level of serenity that I have not felt before in knowing that the crazy chaos is ending. Before I felt detached, but still resentful and struggling with boundaries which were in my control which didn't involve uprooting and moving myself and all 4 children from the main family room because he was drunk in it almost every day. I now feel more compassionate as I accept he is now on his journey, while I am on mine. Hugs on your own journey.
Thank you for your honest share. I remember feeling a lot like you. I had a plan and was waiting for the next drunk to leave him and then the next then the next. I spent 20 yrs with a plan lol, no kidding. They come and go and for some reason the next drunk never fully fits the criteria of the plan.
I realise now that I was addicted to the excited dramatic misery that comes with the disease. I was comfortable in the set of shortcomings within me. I enjoyed to some extent being in my own self pity, being the martyr and then the victim, my ego inflated but the sad thing was I was also ashamed so my self esteem was really low.
No real change came for me until I reached out for help at Alanon. Here I learned that alcoholism is a disease and that my ex was never choosing alcohol over me, this was not true. In fact it had nothing to do with me, his disease was always bigger than me and came before me and was totally his. It can be hard to see this and accept this and for me it was partly because my ego had inflated to such an extent I thought everything was about me, I honestly had such an inflated sense of myself that I thought the world revolved around me. At the same time, I wasnt looking after myself very well, the martyr in me wouldn't allow me to come first in my life and I think this is what makes being totally honest with ourselves difficult. We become such contradictions. We have huge egos but hate ourselves, we are self obsessed but neglect ourselves. Do you see what I mean?
Its hard to get honest, we play these tapes in our head that reinforce our faulty beliefs. It takes away the facts, the plain and simple facts and when we do allow the truth to filter in its amazing what we find out about ourselves then the drinker is just a drinker, another human being trying his or her best with what they have just the same as us, no more no less. Wow, what a program this is, thanks for letting me reflect and I hope you will pick up the program.
Hi ((PossiesandPuppies)) sending loving energy your way. I remember those days, the smell of alcohol coming from every pore of my AH's body and asking "are you drinking?" The answer was always the same, "nope". He felt guilty/denial and needed to lie and I felt angry/hurt losing my serenity because of the lie. As I worked my program I came to realize I was doing the same thing over and over and over, asking what I already knew, and expecting a different result, the definition of insanity. Today I don't ask what I already know to be true, I don't seek validation from someone suffering from the disease of alcoholism and I use my Al-Anon tools to keep my sanity in check.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
I think it's funny how I waited for the last "fill in the blank" since the God of my understanding has a wicked sense of humor and also realizes I don't take to hints very well I usually get hit by a wall and then go Ohhhh .. the other stuff was a hint now this I'm not allowed to ignore .. lol.
One of the things that I find humorous in my specific situation it wasn't the drinking that ultimately got to me .. it was the cheating. Once I realized he was cheating I realized I was done .. even that took me a few more attempts to put humpty dumpty back together again. I should qualify after he fell off the wall that I was hit with .. I guess humorous isn't the right word .. it is more along the lines of ironically sardonic.
I agree with all of this wonderful ESH .. asking the questions I already knew answers to .. asking for a sign .. getting the sign and ignoring it because I wasn't ready to do anything different (in what way am I really different than the A?). It was alanon that helped me refocus and get a grip on me and helped me get to a place I was ready to deal. The walls aren't so bad anymore although I still have moments .. and my sanity is truly based upon my reactions to unreasonable situations.
Keep coming back .. things get better as well as clearer. You will know when you know .. there is always more to be revealed.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey PnP - I can so relate to what you share....There was a part of me that just wanted to scream at times at the insanity - of him, of us, of it - and I realized that no matter how angry, sad, mad, etc. I was - it would not ever change what they did/said/did not say/do. I truly had to lean into this program and just keep my mouth shut for a long, long while while I was learning to stop taking it personally and how to detach.
It's not a fast process - working the program and finding relief from the efforts - but it was THE ONLY one that ever gave me peace that lasted longer than a day/two. My heart still 'breaks' and my fear rises up each time that I talk to my son who is so loaded he can't speak properly yet this program reminds me it's OK to feel and I am not alone in my grief, healing, dealing.
Al-Anon has been a safe place for me during my recovery journey as well - I feel relief just talking it out with another in recovery or doing as you did - pounding the keyboards to share. Keep doing whatever is healthy and keeps you on the recovery path and it will become more and more 'automatic'.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for ESH. That is what I love about this program and this forum... I may not agree with everyone about how they are working it, but I don't have to. I take what applies to me. Regardless, sharing your strength is what is keeping me going.
I do feel bad that I am waiting for the next ________, but I truly don't have a lot of resources, so up and leaving is going to be financially difficult. Right now it looks impossible, but I know that is because I am afraid to move out of my comfortable (?) little bubble. And add to that his family who not so subtly "remind" me that he needs my support, blah, blah, blah. I am being slightly facetious here, because part of me knows he does need and yes, even deserves support. I just don't want to be co-habitating anymore... I don't want to be fully engaged in this madness. And honestly, I do get resentful when he complains about my being distant and that is the best tool for me to use right now.
Thank you for letting me pound it out on the keys... I need to share this with someone and not necessarily family members.
I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP - I do recall when my were 'disturbed' with my detaching. It was hard and it was an adjustment as I had appointed myself the queen of everything and I just stopped and backed away. My sponsor suggested it was OK to just say simple things like I am sorry you feel that way.... or I am just processing for my day or very, very simple responses - Yes, No, I Don't Know with as much kindness as possible. If they were extremely annoying or altered, I'd just excuse myself and go to bed and watch TV or read. It's hard to make changes but in time, they learn better ways to interface with me as I just would not dance the same dance any more.
I made mistakes, I slipped and had set-backs. But - practicing this program as best I could and pausing to think before I responded was key to finding my comfort in my home. Leaving is hard and disruptive and while I could have done it and figured it out, I also did not want to have doubts at a later point in my life. This is my second and last marriage and I had some regrets about how the first one ended. I wanted to be sure to work on me and amend my past as best I could before I made any changes. I realized I could be serene here so long as I loved unconditionally, lowered my expectations and stopped taking things personally - even when they were directed at me.
I do believe As are typically good, kind, loving people - it's the disease that robs them of their person and places instead an unknown in their place! Focus on just today for a while and you and your answers will come! (((Hugs))) You also have a grand Sunday!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
